(Closed) Working moms – how should I support my friend?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly there isn’t much you can do other then just listen to her when she wants to talk about it. This is something that she just has to deal with whether she wants to or not, it really sucks but what can you do, she has to work so she has to work.

Post # 4
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

You can be in their shoes waiting to have a baby. I’m sure many people a few years ago with homes said they’ll never be foreclosed on, but they are.

Post # 5
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I hope I don’t come off sounding insensitive, but I think this is one of those situations where your friend just needs to figure out a way to deal.  Its not really a circumstance a friend can help.  In the end, we just have to make do with what we have and make the best of the situation.  Your friend may be sad about the timing, but you know she loves her child and wants to do what’s best for her family right now, which is to work.  She may hate it, but she’s an adult and I know she will grit her teeth and get through it.  If anything, not wanting to work should make your friend and her husband work harder, save better, and get smarter about their finances so they she can stay at home ASAP.  Frankly, the baby wont remember anything until they are a toddler, so its more guilt she’s putting on herself than the baby having any terrible reactions to its mommy working.

You obviously care very much about your friend, and you can be a cheerleader and not let her get down in the dumps.  If all she thinks about all day is how much she hates having to work and how much she regrets the timing of her baby, she’s going to just get more and more depressed.  Just check in on her and watch her for post-partum depression symptoms.  Bring her over a casserole for the freezer to help out with dinner once in a while, take her out to lunch just to unwind, but mostly, just be a little patient with her until she adjusts.  Luckily she’s going back to work around the holidays, so she’ll have plenty of time off and it will be an easier transition than if this was like in the middle of the year.  Just be positive and remind her of the good stuff.

Darling Husband and I got pregnant when we weren’t quite expecting it and right now I don’t think I’ll be able to stay at home full time when the LO comes.  Ideally, we had wanted to replace my car, buy a house, and save up some more money before we had a baby, and for me to be a Stay-At-Home Mom….but we’re thrilled anyway and we’re going to make it work with my 10 year old car, our 2-bedroom apartment, and start getting aggressive about our savings.  The situation has lit a fire under Darling Husband and he is busting his a** to get his business rolling faster and getting extra gigs to try to close on a house in the Spring.  Its really energized us to be more proactive and we have the baby to thank for that.  So, it’s not as bad as you would think.

You are a good friend for worrying about her!

Post # 6
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsStrawberry1: Agree. I wanted to stay home, but my SO got laid off AFTER I got pregnant, so things changed because he had to get a lower paying job. He’s busting his butt to get a job career like he used to so I can stay home eventually. (Our daughter is 2months old.) I go to work because I’m have to. I hate having to take my daughter to daycare, but I have to go. Our home is paid for thankfully, but we have other bills to pay. It’s best I go to work instead of staying home and not paying bills and eventually getting bad credit.

Or running through our savings just to stay home.

Not smart.

Post # 8
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

@piglet_625: I am 23, Fiance is 24. I would say 75% of our friends now have children, they are all pressuring us to have kids because we have nothing in common with them anymore and don’t want to really spend time with them just to listen to their baby talk. I get where they are coming from but I am not going to make a poor choice just because everyone else did, we will have kids when we are ready. Don’t let her pressure you, if was her choice to make and she has to live with it, maybe when she has a second baby (or third) you will be ready for kids and will be able to relate to her.

Post # 9
Member
7403 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@Genuine513: This! No way should you listen to her. Misery seeks company. Not that I’m saying she’s miserable  persay. As much as she loves her child, shes strugling. So why would she encourage a freind to go down the same path? As @MrsStrawberry1: sad she has to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. There is nothing for you to do other than to lend an ear and continue doing sweet things like this suprise weekend.

Post # 11
Member
7403 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@piglet_625: It may have to come to point you have to tell her. I tend to get annoyed with endless bellyaching, especially when folks refuse to see the blessings they do have. Its very frustrating. Well good luck with everything.

Post # 12
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@piglet_625: i just returned to work after a 4 month maternity leave so i can speak from personal experience. after spending every waking (and sleeping) second with my baby for the past 16 weeks, it is super hard to be back at work. i love my career and never planned to be a Stay-At-Home Mom (wouldn’t work financially anyway), but there is a big part of me that just wants to have him closeby, safe and in my arms, all the time. i guess that’s pretty universal.

i would say the best thing you can do for your friend is to just be available and listen. it has made a HUGE difference to have great friends who empathize with what i’m going through (even the ones who don’t have kids…they can still imagine and just listen) without passing any judgement on my and my husband’s decisions. It’s also great to have friends who are okay with you being upset or crying when you need to, but also take the time to keep you busy (lunch dates, etc.) when you can’t be with the LO to help keep your mind off the transition.

another big change is that if your friend is breastfeeding, she will go from nursing all day and night to pumping several times a day. i’m going through this now and it’s a much bigger change than i expected. even in an extremely supportive office with lots of new moms, private offices perfect for pumping, an awesome pump that makes it super easy to keep up my supply, and refrigerators dedicated to nursing moms, going from nursing to pumping is hard – it’s time consuming, kind of uncomfortable, and the logistics of cleaning parts, storing milk, and dealing with clogged ducts, etc can be tricky…nothing like just nursing your sweet LO on demand. if she is bfing, encourage her to keep it going and let her know how awesome it is that she’s keeping it up. it really helps. also let her vent and complain when she needs to, knowing that that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s ready to throw in the towel…there’s nothing like having other ladies to talk and vent about boob drama with! lol.

there isn’t really much you can, or should, say about their personal decision to have kids when they did. agreeing with her regret won’t really help her, and convincing her that is WAS the perfect time sounds like it would bea lie. just listen and understand. remind her of her beautiful, healthy baby and praise her for being a thoughtful, loving, mommy and provider, that the first few weeks are the hardest but it will get better. also, her time with her baby will be more special than ever now. she can make up some rotuines or traditions – like singing the baby certain songs in the morning before work, reading him/her stories when she gets home, a long bedtime routine with a warm bath and baby massage, trips to the park every saturday morning…etc. just some ideas. the important thing is that she has you to listen and focuses on the positive aspects of her situation.

oh, and the pressuring to have kids thing…that’ll pass. she’s just trying to find her own ways to cope. sounds like you are being a great friend already 🙂

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I have a friend in this situation too, but with time she is learning to adjust. It was clearly very hard at first and she didn’t even have maternity leave since she was always part time/temp at odd jobs. I think what you can offer to do is babysit so they can go out to a nice dinner or just go visit her and cheer her up.

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