Working on communication issues

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1996 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You improve by checking yourself “in the moment” bee.  When you get riled up and you want to say something you know you shouldn’t you should stop yourself and have that conversation in your head like “do you really want to say that when you know it’ll escalate into a fight?”  or “Breathe Amilly….what’s he really saying?” If you keep doing it enough it gets easier and you’ll find yourself fighting less.  

I tell you this from experience as a bee marrying a “high strung, very sensitive person”.  You need to not only be aware of your tone but actively CHOOSE not to use it….”in the moment”.  This is all about choices.

Hard to do at first but it does get easier with practice.  Good luck bee.

Post # 3
Member
10337 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Changing your communication styles is hard but doable. It’s good that you recognize the problems you have, now it’s time to start finding strategies to address them.

One great tactic is that when you feel yourself getting heated, just say you need to take a minute to calm down. Walk to another room and let yourself calm down before coming back to the disagreement. 

Remember that disagreements shouldn’t be about who is right and who is wrong or winning the argument. Don’t put words into your partner’s mouth. And focus on listening.

Change won’t happen overnight, it’s a slow progress. 

Oh and maybe this is just me, but I always find that I’m less likely to get heated if I’m sitting comfortably (usually on the couch). It’s just makes it a more relaxing vibe I guess? 

Post # 4
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I posted something similar recently about communication with my fiancé. He is an extrovert and he is someone who wants to talk about things right away. I am an introvert and I need time to process information by taking a step back and being on my own for a minute. I find that sometimes when I am unable to effectively communicate my feelings because I can’t take time to process the information iv’e been given, I get extra sensitive and angry. I find myself getting really angry too. An example of that would be when my fiancé and I were at the gym together the other night. We wanted to lift together and he wanted to know what kind of workout we were doing. I told him we were training legs and that I was going to go warm up. During my warm up he came up and with an annoyed tone of voice asked “so what are we doing?!” I replied with “what is your attitude about? I told you what we were doing!” And it just escalated from there. He is a planner and I’m more of a go with the flow type of person so him not knowing what exactly we were doing was driving him crazy. I found that out later when we talked it over after we cooled down. Could I have just answered him calmly? Yes. I didn’t though. Which is something I need to work on. There were a few times where I just walked away and told him ” I need time to think. I don’t want to talk to you right now” it helps me and him cool down faster. I’m not sure if this helped but I just want you to know you’re not alone! 

Post # 5
Member
2445 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

For your sample argument, it seems the cause was that you thought your SO’s dad would like to meet your family, and you texted your mom before checking with your SO. So that would be a communication thing. You just assumed your SO’s dad would want to meet your family, as well as have time to do that in the short amount of time he has while being in town for the first time in 2 years.

But then you escalated an argument that happened later. I agree with PPs that the first step in working on this is acknowledging what you’re doing, which is a huge step that you’ve already taken. So kudos on that.

I’m also the type that has a hard time controlling what I say in the moment if I’m emotional/angry/frustrated. It’s better for me to sit and think about things, rather than saying exactly what I’m feeling in the moment. Like another PP on here, I’m an introvert who needs time to reflect and evaluate what I’m feeling before I talk about it and make decisions. However, my husband is a fixer and wants to talk about things right then. We’ve adjusted and he allows me more time, and I try to corral my thoughts/emotions/words if we need to have a discussion right then due to time constraints.

Post # 8
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee

Like PP said, you’ve just got to be super aware of it. You may find it helps to speak to your SO when you aren’t in the midst of an argument and explain what you said above, and ask him if he would help you. I’m not sure how well I’d take a ‘honey, are you as upset about this as you sound?’ comment in the middle of a fight though. Perhaps have a ‘safe word’ but for arguments where it might be enough to make you pause and think for a moment.

Do be careful not to go too far the other way though – I often won’t say what’s on my mind in a moment because I’m worried about it being snappy, then end up stewing on it until I feel calm enough to say something. I think there’s a happy middle ground, and it’s not always the easiest place to find.

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