(Closed) Worried About Dealing With ILs Over Becoming SAHW (LONG & RANT)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 2
3936 posts
Honey bee


“How can I deal with the ILs and not lose my sanity over this? It is mine AND DH’s joint decision, we CAN easily afford to do this, and frankly it is none of anyone else’s business. He is 53 years old and I am 42, and I have worked my entire adult life. Any thoughts?”

My thoughts are the same as yours. It is yours and your DH’s joint decision, and, frankly, it is none of anyone else’s business. He is 53 years old, you are 42, and you have worked your entire adult life. Early partial retirement. In fact, you’re older by a few years of many soldiers, law enforcement, or other public servants who retire with their 20yr pin. And even for the traditionalists, you can rest assured that you’ve earned way more in your years than Elizabeth Bennett ever brought to Mr. Darcy in her dowry.


Enjoy your new chapter!

Post # 3
30400 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
kittychik:  Have you thought of the effect this decision might have if you have to rejoin the workplace sometime in the future? e.g husband dies or is disabled.  You are currently only about 2/3 of the way into an average work life.

It may be a moot point depending on the type of work you are currently doing. Some jobs are easier to resume than others. Many professional occupations require continuous work experience or else a lengthy educational update.

Post # 4
1059 posts
Bumble bee

I’m glad you got to vent about this. 

Nothing to add, you already made your case about staying home, which works for you and your spouse.  

People won’t always agree with you.  That’s fine, it is after all a progressive society we live in. 

As for surviving, I doubt you’ll get that crazy about their comments since your resolve seems to be solid and secure.  I would only worry about you if you need validation from others, which appears you don’t need since you’re pretty agrees I’ve an out your beliefs in staying home.  

I say lice and let live.  Their comments should barely dent your self esteem since it’s a joint decision.  Likewise, it’s their opinions and they’re entitled to it.  

Post # 5
12340 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

There’s not much to be done about how they will feel or what kind of crap they might be talking behind your back.  You aren’t going to change their mind if they feel that strongly about it.

If you and your husband are confident in the choice then just go with it an ignore all the nay sayers.  That’s all you can really do.  

Personally, I’d continue to work and just try to save as much as possible so that DH could retire earlier too and we could both enjoy retirement together though.  And if you and him were only making 25k and 50k before, were you guys contributing enough to retirement?  Or do you guys plan on having him work until he isn’t physically able.  I dont think brining home a salary is essential to be a functioning member of society, but I’d only quit if it were absolutely no financial need to work, which by definition for me would only mean that we could both quit and live off investements.  If we can’t do that, then there’s still a need for more.  Financial need to me extends beyond simply being able to pay the bills.

Post # 6
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

Dont know why you have to announce it, but I suppose it can come up in conversation eventually. I mean ultimately neither party is going to change their POV , so who cares?

Are you going to keep working so she wont talk about you? No. Will your Mother-In-Law change her mind, and not talk about you behind your back, the same way you clearly have an opinion about your SIL? No.

So, live your life, stop caring.


Post # 7
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I dont have too much to add… i think youve already made your decision and you will be the one that has to try to find a way to bridge the gap and justify your choices to your inlaws and others around you. Theres a reason youre feeling self conscious about justifying your choice and that is something YOU will have to get over if you want others to do the same. How can you convince your inlaws that this is the right decision, if you cant convince yourself? Idk where you live but hearing of your ages, unless you have a significant savings you will not be able to live off of $100k comfortably and retire at a decent age, so dont be surprised if they express their concerns about him covering both of you. If you arent raising kids where there would be a great need for you to stay at home, then what would be the reason other than “you feel like it” or are “stressed”? Be prepared to answer those questions as a team.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by MissJulianna.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by MissJulianna.
Post # 8
2704 posts
Sugar bee

Live and let live. You deal with it by standing together as partners who have made an informed joint decision which works for you. And you accept that you don’t live in a vacuum and other people will have their own opinions. If confronted by them respect their POV and take the high road. 

As a PP said it would be wise to have a long term financial plan. You and your SO are likely to live to 80+. That’s 40 years of your not bringing in an income. It’s a matter of looking at your retirement savings and when your husband would like to retire / may have to retire and planning for it. Your plans sound well thought out so perhaps you have factored this into your decision making. 

Good luck with the new chapter in your lives together 🙂

Post # 9
6331 posts
Bee Keeper

You and your husband are ok with your arrangement, so that’s the most important part. You’re not going to see your in-laws all the time, and even then, does it really matter what they think? Maybe they will have a change of heart when you show them all the good things you are going to do with your time. 

Post # 10
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Perhaps your Mother-In-Law all ready talks about you behind your back anyway — how would you know? You can’t make a catty person not be catty.


I’m a Stay-At-Home Wife and it’s a wonderful gift to be given. My day is full of making my husband’s life easier in any way I can in exchange. Take care of your husband, your Mother-In-Law can go pound sand.

Post # 11
1149 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you need to explain yourselves to them. You and your husband are adults and if this is the arrangement you both prefer, they need to shut up 🙂

By The Way I agree with your whole first paragraph!

Post # 12
6605 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I apologize that I didn’t read the whole post but really, why are you even discussing this with your in laws? This decision affects you and your husband and, frankly, is none of their business. Stop discussing it with them and if they bring it up, don’t take the bait.

Post # 13
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
kittychik:  what if you didn’t say anything? I know you see them a lot but… Just don’t mention it to them first. Because you’re in your 40s/50s it’s not like you need permission or blessing. Anyway. Then when they say how’s work (if they ever do) you can say

-oh did I not mention I’ve retired from (job a).

-oh my god gasp well how can you stand not being a productive member of society?!?!

-actually I have quite a few part time irons in the fire right now- secretary assistant at the church, clerical at the animal shelter, and counselling at the battered women’s shelter! I/we felt it was a better fit for me/us right now.

hey?? I mean, to me that sounds like a productive member of society. It is in no way shape or form any of their business how much (if any) you are getting paid if you are doing these things. 


and All you have to do is not be like Ginny for them to eventually notice/realize you’re not like Ginny lol 

Post # 14
1051 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Don’t bring it up with them!

Post # 15
787 posts
Busy bee

PPs have a good point about this extra money potentially helping you retire earlier together rather than you not working from now on. 

But anyway, if you and DH are happy with the decision that’s all that matters. 

Is not telling your ILs about the change an option at all? As you say, it’s really not any of their business. 

The topic ‘Worried About Dealing With ILs Over Becoming SAHW (LONG & RANT)’ is closed to new replies.

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