(Closed) Worried About Dealing With ILs Over Becoming SAHW (LONG & RANT)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 31
2704 posts
Sugar bee

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kittychik:  being a good Mum isn’t all about cooking and laundry. But either way stop focussing on what other people do and think and be happy and confident with your decisions 

Post # 33
29 posts

I don’t think what your in laws say or think should factor in your decision. However, from a financial standpoint, I’m having trouble understanding why you wouldn’t continue working. At the moment it sounds like you’re not paying for childcare which would then be money saved should you be at home to take care of the kids. In addition, 100K is obviously more than 75K, but is it enough to get both of you where you want to be by his retirement? And if anything were to happen to your husband, would you be able to easily rejoin the workforce at 25K, and is that enough to support yourself?

The main argument for early retirement (which is how I think you should rebrand your move, if you take it) would be if it frees you up to invest, save on restaurant food, save on transportation, and other income sources which total more than 25K.

Post # 34
4996 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Hmm…you say you don’t want your Mother-In-Law to judge you and then you judge your SIL for not being productive enough.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with either of you…we all judge. That’s how life goes. The point is you can’t control what other people think about you. You can, however, control how you react to them. Don’t let them influence your life.

Post # 35
1320 posts
Bumble bee

I will admit that I didn’t read your entire post, but while I’m a full-time working wife, I would have no problem staying at home! I thoroughly enjoy cooking, cleaning, and running errands on my own time. It’s just not written in the stars for us, but I am super proud of my husband for what he does (working with kids who have autism to provide them with both basic life skills and an education…how awesome is that??). Of course, teachers don’t make near what they’re worth, and I don’t mind my job (hey, I’m a nurse and get to see some pretty cool stuff).

Once we have kids, I really want to take a good, long time off. As long as we stop spending like the childless couple we are now, it should be fine.

Anyhoo, enough about me! Good for you for being a SAHW! I know it’s not as easy as some people make it out to be. Just own it and be stellar. You’ll show them 😉

Post # 36
2198 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I didn’t have a chance to read all of what you wrote but as far as I read and understood- you will be working. Ok you won’t get paid for your voluntary roles but you’re still making an active contribution to society. I think I also read that you’re going to be taking care of the house, which is a job in itself as well. 

Now there are probably some Stay-At-Home Wife who do just sit around all day and do absolutely nothing – I don’t think that’s right at all but it sounds like you actually want to do something worthwhile. 

Your ILs can say what they like until the cows come home but it doesn’t mean you need to listen or take any notice. At the end of the day this decision is a joint one between you and your husband (if you had merely told your husband you were going to be a Stay-At-Home Wife and you didn’t care what he thought that would be different.)

Post # 37
247 posts
Helper bee

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kittychik:  You don’t want to be gossiped about for your life choices….so you do it to your SIL for thousands of strangers to read?

Pot, meet kettle.

Post # 38
596 posts
Busy bee

I won’t get  into your  choice for being a  SAHW,  but it sounds to me like if you were 100% confident in your choice,  you would not be asking a bunch of Internet strangers how to deal with your in laws.

My parents are very much like your in laws in their work ethic. If I wanted to be a Stay-At-Home Wife,  there’s nothing I can do to justify it to them. Nothing. I could talk all day until I was blue in the face and it still wouldn’t change their minds, and I’m their daughter! 

So maybe Ginny has given them a bad image, but I agree with the others that you sound very judgmental of her. You can’t dish it out if you can’t take it.

You can only control your response to them. Sure they’ll most likely gossip about you. Shrug it off. If you and your husband are in this together then that’s all that matters, but at the same time I could see their point

Post # 39
625 posts
Busy bee

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kittychik:  You are pitching this all wrong. Don’t tell your Mother-In-Law you are a Stay-At-Home Wife. Never use the term. Just tell her you are “devoting your life to taking care of her son, and making sure he is fully equipped to achieve what he wants most out of his career. If he is happy and fulfilled, you are happy and fulfilled.” 

basically, turn this into an act of service on your part that you are helping to enable him to succeed in his new position (by not ever having to worry about house stuff, dinner, and so on so he can put his efforts into what he wants – his job), rather than it being that he is enabling you to live a life of luxury and not having to work. It is all in how you say it.

Post # 40
1113 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I don’t care if you fill your day eating bon bons and napping. I really don’t.

Why do you, as a grown woman, give a rip what anyone thinks about you when you and your beloved have decided it is what you choose to do, as adults with your lives and finances?

You need to get a spine.  Personally if Mother-In-Law is grinding your gears, cut her out of your life. You don’t need BS.  Confident people don’t need to fight to defend their decisions, and your Mother-In-Law sounds like a bitter woman.  Just cut her out and DO NOT volunteer any more information.  There is no need to “break to her” that you will be a Stay-At-Home Wife either.  She does not financially support you or her son, therefore, NONYA BUSINESS MIL!

FWIW, I don’t think I could be a Stay-At-Home Wife, but I could also not be an astronaut.  You do what’s right for you, and I don’t care as long as you try and convince me it’s right for everyone, which you’re not.  Nobody has any right to tell you what to do with your life as long as you are not negatively impacting theirs.


Honestly, I really don’t get why so many people here are giving “ways to break it” to the Mother-In-Law.  She is also an adult and is set in her ways. OP has clearly given her opinions to Mother-In-Law, MIL clearly has hers.  We keep toxic people in our lives for dumb reasons (They are family, they are my neighbor, I’ve known them since college, blah blah blah) and wonder why as a society we are so freaking bogged down and burnt out.  We are too worried about pleasing other people and appearances.  

If you let go and do the best you can for yourself and your family, do everything you do with love and devotion (yes, includes being a Stay-At-Home Wife or SAHM), you are being an OK member of society.  

Everyone has a threshold they are comfortable with giving up a second income (or, maybe not).  I personally think mine would be around 300k given where I live and what I want to purchase.  Someone else’s might be 500k.  OP’s is 100k.

You do not need to justify anything to Mother-In-Law or anyone.  You cannot reason with unreasonable, bitter people.  If you hate rap music, I will not sit here all day and try and convince you why it is good.  I will just accept it and move on with my life.  Your Mother-In-Law would be the type to sit here and convince you for hours why you should love rap and why it is the only option, most likely. 

I see so many threads where bee’s are trying to justify their PERSONAL choices to other people, especially family members.  Cut. It. Out.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by doglover89.
Post # 41
6310 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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doglover89:  +1 to ALL of this!

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kittychik:  You’re a grown woman. You don’t need to justify your lifestyle to any of us or your ILs. Don’t make the announcement and if it comes up be honest and move on. Shut it down, and let them know that it’s your decision and won’t be discussed further.

Personally, I believe that it’s everyones decision how they want to live. If you’re comfortable being a Stay-At-Home Wife by all means – go for it. I am self-employeed and work from home, and while my business brings in income – my DH does make the majority of the money and it allows me to have the business I have. I’m sure plenty of people think I live a life of luxury in our nice house, going on trips because of DH’s work. That’s their hang-up, not mine. 

Post # 42
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I doubt you will ever change MIL’s mind.  Act like volunteering is your job.  

I have to LOL a little at those who are going “Is 100k a year going to be enough?!?!?!?!”  DH and I make $60k between us and we’re doing fine and saving for retirement.  Trust me, it’s all about what you are accustomed to.

Post # 43
4097 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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kittychik:  You plan on mowing the lawn and tending the garden with fibromyalgia? Dayum! That stuff makes my body ache and I don’t even have fibromyalgia.

Post # 45
6582 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If your Mother-In-Law is critical of the quadrapalegic Stay-At-Home Mom at church, then I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to win this one!

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