(Closed) Worried About Dealing With ILs Over Becoming SAHW (LONG & RANT)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 46
8600 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Honestly, you just need to grow a thicker skin and give less fucks about what they think. I’m not trying to be rude, but 25k a year is beans, and if my husband made 4x more I wouldn’t really see the point in a minimum wage job either.

Post # 47
596 posts
Busy bee

I guess I wasn’t too clear in my reply.

What I was trying to say is that if you are super confident in your choice and come across that way to your in laws, you won’t be able to stop them gossiping behind your back, but you may be able to cut down the amount they say to your face.

For example,  not exactly the same thing, but when I told my parents I was majoring in civil engineering in college I got a lot of grief.  Why would I want to go into a male dominated field? D You have the personality and compassion to be a doctor…etc. They drove me nuts! But, I stood strong and said this is what I want to do, and eventually they stopped bugging me about it because they knew they weren’t going to change my mind.

There’s no reason to “break” this to them. If they start giving you crap, refuse to discuss it. You don’t owe them anything. I’m not saying be rude, but the stronger and more confident you are, they’ll realize that they’re not going to change your mind.

The Stay-At-Home Wife topic is usually a hotly debated topic but since you’ve already worked for several years, I think your case is different than say a 23 year old that’s never worked before. If your in laws are stubborn and keep giving you a hard time, make it a joke and say something like how you paid your dues as a social worker and this is your parole, or how you’re so lucky to find such an awesome guy. If you have to answer them, keep it light hearted and make it seem like their comments have absolutely no effect on you. They’ll try to get a response out of you.  Don’t give them the pleasure. 

Post # 49
404 posts
Helper bee

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kittychik:  I think understand where you’re coming from. If I was in your situation this is what would go through my head: “I believe people need to do what’s right for them. Husband and I are doing what’s right for us. We’re confident in our decisions and know we’re doing the right thing so it doesn’t matter what other people think (especially people like Mother-In-Law whose very nature means I don’t regard her opinion very highly so definitely shouldn’t care what she thinks!). But I don’t want her to think badly of me, I don’t want her to talk badly about me, I wish she’d just be reasonable. Gahhh I really shouldn’t care, I wish it was like water of a duck’s back. But it’s so annoying.”

I agree with other PPs that if she’s really that catty a person she’s probably already bitching about you and there’s nothing you can do. And you can’t reason with unreasonable people. I think the best thing you can do is either to do your best to ignore her and try not to let her bother you knowing there’s nothing you can do to change her opinions, OR you can go on the offensive, sit her down and say “look, Mother-In-Law. You’ve made it clear that you have very strong opinions about SAHWs and SIL as a Stay-At-Home Wife, but husband and I have made a decision in our life that’s right for us. If you’re genuinely interested in our reasons I’m more than happy to talk you through them but I won’t justify myself in the face of an attack. I’m not asking you to agree with us (just like I don’t agree with you that EVERYONE has to work no matter the circumstances) but I do respect your opinions and I hope that you can respect us enough to recognise that this is our opinion and that this decision is right for us and is our decision to make. I hope you don’t feel the need to discuss me behind my back the way you do SIL just because we’re making a decision that you wouldn’t personally make.”

This latter option might be a bit too confrontational and might not be the best option if it would damage your relationship or put your husband in the middle. However it’s probably the one I would go with because I personally couldn’t stomach being the bigger person and not calling somebody out on their actions just to keep the peace. If Fiance really really didn’t want me to I wouldn’t, but I also know if his family upset me he’d be the first to call them out on it and if he didn’t would undeestand why I would!!

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