(Closed) Worried about DH during labor and delivery

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I don’t like that he lashes out at you :/ Name calling is stinky! However, I think that in that moment it will be different for him, perhaps he will be more understanding.  Now, I think you should tell your doula. What happens if it happens in the delivery room? She will see it then and maybe just think it’s new for him. I would rather preface her with the information so that she can be aware and help you and Darling Husband.

Post # 4
Member
2561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Woah! How long until your due date? I would think some counselling is in order to work through the name calling in “awkward situations”, and the sooner the better. I think that calling you a bitch when you are uncomfortable or in pain is so far beyond the line it isn’t even funny. How is he going to react when you are both exhausted, and the baby is crying, and you are recovering from birth? I think telling the doula is the least of your concerns TBH. Also, if you can’t be totally open with your doula, you should probably consider finding someone else.

Edited to add: If he does lash out/call you names in the hospital setting, be prepared that the nurses will have to report it to social work, and then they will have to get involved and assess the situation. I have witnessed parental name calling in the NICU, and it lead to the family having child welfare checks in the home for a few months after discharge.

Post # 6
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@firsttimemom: OK so after what Ms. Mini said “be prepared that the nurses will have to report it to social work”

I was chatting with a friend who works in labor and delivery and she said that if a spouse name calls, and definatley if they use the word “bitch”, they will escort him off he premises and he will not be allowed to participate in the delivery. She said they’ve actually had Dad’s arrested right on the labor and delivery floor. Yikes! Tell Darling Husband to keep it in check!

Post # 8
Member
2561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@firsttimemom: I don’t know your bradley classes will be “enough”, this is an established pattern of behaviour, and I think that maybe some marriage/personal counselling will be better able to manage his anger in those situations. It won’t just help that the labour and delivery, but also be good for your marriage.

Edited to add: The policy of removing the parent/referral to social work is a nursing issue, more than a physician issue, so I don’t think it is something your doctor would “go over” with you. It falls under a lot of the hospital’s abuse policies that nurses are mostly responsible with enforcing.

Post # 9
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@firsttimemom: Does his behaivor bother you? or do you not take it personally? Are you just worried about what others will think? Or are you worried that this is abusive?

Post # 10
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honestly, I think you two need some couple’s counseling.  That is in no way appropriate behavior when you are in pain and scared that something might be wrong with your baby.

Post # 11
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I don’t care how uncomfortable he feels, it is completely uncalled for and inappropriate for him to ever call you names or treat you poorly like that.  It sounds like he’s completely overreacting and it’s absurdly unfair to you for him to react the way he does.  You should not have to anticipate what should be your biggest support being your worst nightmare while you’re trying to give birth!  I know you love him, and I’m sure he has redeeming qualities and loves you, but that still doesn’t make it okay for him to act like that.   I agree with Ms Mini.  I think that you should attempt to get in some type of counseling and maybe focus on ways to cope with stressful or uncomfortable situations in calm and collected ways. I also think it would be a good idea to tell your doula because if he acts that way during your labor it would most likely be shocking and concerning to her, so it would probably help if she had some type of warning.  Good luck, I hope that you can figure it out and he’ll be the great support you deserve!

 

Post # 13
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Sorry you’re dealing with that. Some counseling in “fair fighting” would be a good start.. that should atleast cover the name calling and other aggressive/passive-aggressive tendencies that can be harmful long term.

Even on bad days name-calling shouldn’t be accepted or condoned. Something I learned after being with my ex- who reacted much the same as your Darling Husband in similar situations.

Pregnancy & Labor really are the easy parts and least streneous parts of parenting and if his reaction to being called out or when feeling awkward b/c of lack of knowledge comes out in name-calling or just being mean then you can almost be sure that it will only progress unless you both see that some ways towards each other just isn’t acceptable.

I mean he’s certain to make a bottle wrong in tiredness or not remember feeding schedule or forget to pack something in the diaper bag or so many more things that could provoke this behaviour. And I’m sure that neither of you want your children to see that or think that talking to people like that is okay.

It’s definitely a tough spot to be in, but it’s better to think about the long term affects now rather than seeing how your son/daughter treats others or lets others treat them.

Maybe your doula can help point you in a good direction for counseling or even books to read together to learn some better communication skills =)

Post # 14
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

other ladies have already giving you the advise that i would but i wanted to say that i think name calling should never be allowed – yes we get upset and angry and moody but to call you a bitch multiple times, that is not acceptable

goodluck, i hope you both agree to seek help to communicate differently because you will soon be raising a child and i would hate for him/her to think its ok to speak to you like that *hugs*

 

Post # 15
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

There is no way that him calling you a bitch and verbally abusing you is OK. I’d suggest professional counciling right away because I don’t think a real man would call his pregnant wife a bitch because she is in pain or doesn’t want to be touchy feely infront of her family. You need to draw the LINE. If my fiance did that kind of stuff to me, I’d throw his ass out. I demand respect in my relationship and so should you! I hate when I see women being called bitches and being disrespected by their husbands. It makes me sick to my stomach because what kind of a man does that to his wife? It does not matter that you are not the “nicest person”, there isn’t an excuse for his behavior. For God’s sake, your on here worried about what he is going to say during your labor! He’s supposed to be with you and supporting you 100% of the way. Name calling is NOT ok. I hope this situation improves for you, I really do.

Post # 16
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

On another note, as far as the doula is concerned.  You are paying this woman to provide a service to you.  If you can not, will not or do not feel comfortable talking to her regarding ANY issue you have with this pregnancy then you must find someone that you can.  It’s pointless paying someone when you can’t fully utilize them.

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