(Closed) Worried about DH during labor and delivery

posted 9 years ago in Babies
Post # 18
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your post brought back memories of my ex-husband.  I think the stress of having a newborn brought it on for us, we had always fought verbally before.  When my ds was 2 weeks old he started hitting me and calling me names, names that I won’t repeat. 

I definetly recommend some counseling, I’m positive it will help.  My ex wouldn’t get it, even when it was court ordered in order for him to have the privilege of seeing his son. 

My dh now has one of the worst mouths I’ve ever heard, he’s a prior marine and I think it comes with the territory, ugh.  We will call eachother names every once in a while mostly playing, but if he ever called me a bitch or anything stronger than that I’d let him know just how many lines he’s crossing. 

 

I’m so sorry you’re worrying about this, the stress isn’t good for you.  Please talk to him 🙂

Post # 19
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

View original reply
@firsttimemom:  I second a lot of what has been said already, but I wanted to add something – I know from other posts that you are having a little girl (Congratulations!).  For her sake, please seek counseling and work with your husband on how you can both fight more fairly.  Kids pick up parental behaviors really early, and especially with a little girl you don’t want her to grow up thinking that name calling or aggressive behavior towards women is okay.

Post # 19
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow…

Would never hurt a fly? He is hurting you! 

He has no right to call you names, none what so ever, in any situation ever! You are his other half and mother of his child. Defnintely not ok! 

So are you going to allow him to snap at your child like that? Because if he feels comfortable doing it to you he will feel fine doing it to your child. Believe me, my mothers stupid behaviour went unchecked for years and it had a nasty effect on me and my brother.  You owe it to yourself and to your child to check his behaviour.

Its not ok to ever lash out like that, he needs help learning to communicate and express his frustrations properly.

Post # 20
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’ll ditto all of the pps, and say this is definitely an issue you want to work out BEFORE the baby comes because it’s only going to get more difficult post-partum.  Good luck!  I am a real believer in marriage counseling, and I think if both of you are committed to resolving this issue, you’ll come out as a stronger team at the end of it.  🙂

Post # 21
Member
10361 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t think you should speak to the doula – I think you should speak to HIM and call him out on this! It is entirely unacceptable in any situation to EVER speak to you like that. I think it goes without saying that he is not to speak to you in that manner as you give birth to your child…honestly, that would be a deal breaker for me. Wow. I can’t imagine my husband ever speaking to me like that…ever.

Post # 22
Member
10361 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just reading more responses… “Maybe I could call ahead and request this information to be gone over in our next prenatal appointment. hmm..”

If you yourself are not able to sit down and discuss this situation with him, that is another sign that something is seriously, dangerously wrong. If you feel like you need other people to intervene instead of being able to communicate effectively with your husband about a shockingly important issue….what else is there to do? That’s scary. Please seek real help!

Post # 23
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m not normally one to jump on the counseling bandwagon, but trust me, you want to get this worked out. The hospital WILL escort him out of the room and you will be left alone with no help to birth your child and he will miss the birth. Furthermore, the stress QUADRUPLES once the baby is born, and you’ll likely find the first 3 months of your baby’s life some of the most difficult of your marriage. You’re both going to be tired, stressed and coping with a LOT of changes. It can test even a saint’s patience. 

Post # 24
Member
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

View original reply
@Ms Spitfire: 100% agreed

OP – I hope you are able to work on things before the baby comes. I’m sure this is a stressful time for everyone, but I can only imagine that having a newborn is even more stressful. Best of luck to you.

Post # 25
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

OP – Just wanted to send you support and echoe the previous posters in saying I really hope you are able to sort this out before your daughter enters the world.  I have seen a couple of your previous posts, regarding ‘jokes’ your husband made about divorcing you etc after the baby arrives, and I didn’t comment because I found it so disturbing, and figured it wasn’t right for me to comment as every couple is different, and has their own sense of humour. 

However, I really hope you can see that if this is the pattern that has been established, this is what your daughter is going to witness.  No little girl should ever see her mom being called a ‘b*tch’ or other demeaning term by the man that’s supposed to love and protect his wife.  I really feel it would be damaging for your daughter to grow up in that kind of environment. 

Hoping you are able to rectify this situation shortly.   Wishing you the best.

Post # 26
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

Just wanted to say I hope counseling helps. (((hugs)))

Post # 27
Member
338 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@firsttimemom: Oh my ….this hurts my heart for you. My husband can be very defensive too. We’ve had to work alot on our comunications skills. I tend to be very citical and when he feels like he is being backed into a corner he lashes out…BUT with that being said, even in the worst of fights…we have never resulted in name calling ( or hitting..just to be clear)

We have had a million conversations and we’ve had to alter the way we approach situations. Its comes alot more natural now…but you have to make it a point to calmly and rationationally explain how all of this makes you feel….even if it means a longer conversation….talk it out until he understands.

Cause if you think its uncomfortable now…wait …. add a baby to that mix… nevermind labour… how are you going to deal with the sleep deprivation…a baby that needs constant attention?

Nip it in the butt now… for your daughters sake anyways…

 

Post # 28
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

The last guy I dated that cried for sappy commercials but verbally and emotionally abused me was dumped so fast he didn’t know what hit him…..and this was after he bought a huge engagement ring for me.  I ran fast and far.  In no way is this acceptable behavior in any relationship.  I hope you guys can get some help before the situation escalates.

Post # 29
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I think you guys should get counseling as soon as possible, and not just for your pregnancy, but for your relationship’s sake. Of course everyone has bad days and makes mistakes, we’re only human, but has he apologized for these repeated instances? Has he ever admitted that he was wrong in doing that, and has he made an effort to stop doing that? He should have if you had made it known that you didn’t like it, as you said. Bad days are understandable, not attempting to change repeated bad behavior or even admit your were in the wrong is not. It is verbal abuse, and it is not tolerable. I hope you guys see a counselor and he realizes how horrible he is being to you. I would not find it acceptable if my s.o. called me a bitch at all, even in a moment of awkwardness and confusion, and there would have to be some significant change going on if I were to continue to be with him in that case.

Post # 30
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Sending you huge hugs. Ditto what everyone else has said about counselling and not wanting your daughter to grow up hearing her mother called a bitch by her father.

I hope it doesn’t feel like everyone’s piling on – just know that it’s out of concern and caring.

Edit – I also want to reinforce that while everyone does have bad days, not everyone responds with name calling. There are lots of healthier ways that couples handle stress, and they can be learned, IF both parties want to learn them.

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