(Closed) Worried about DH during labor and delivery

posted 9 years ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Although I strongly support what previous posters have said about getting some counseling, I just wanted to touch upon your original question about how to ensure that your husband is nice during the awkward time of labor/delivery.

I understand that you might not want to get TOO personal with your doula about your husband’s faults. But perhaps you could talk to your doula and/or OB and let them know that you’d like to spend a bit of time at your next appointment discussing your husband’s role in the delivery room and what you AND the doula/OB will expect of him.

If your doula/OB go in depth about how your husband will need to provide you with support, and how sometimes a woman might become bossy (“Don’t touch me! Get me ice!”) during labor, or how you will need his support and focus… then perhaps he will start thinking about how he should act. I think YOU can tell him this all you want, but I think that a lot of men will listen or consider it more when a doctor tells them. After all, the doula or doc is the expert, so perhaps you can use them to your benefit.

I still think you will need to have follow up conversations about what YOU need and want, but having a doula/doc start the conversation might keep things in neutral territory. AND it might help your husband realize that he does have a role during labor and delivery, and then a lot of the things you will be going through (needs, craziness, whatever), are NORMAL.

So much about the pregnancy, labor and delivery are about the woman. So it might be good to focus on him, and discuss everyone’s expectations. You can’t expect him to be a mind reader and know what to do, especially if he’s never done this before. So a conversation with him AND your OB/doula might be good for everyone.

GOOD LUCK!

Post # 32
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I completely agree with PP and everything they suggested.   I’m a social worker and I have to tell you, reading your post sent up a million red flags.  It is never, ever ok for your DH to verbally abuse you in such a manner.  I don’t care if he’s ‘under stress’ or in an ‘uncomfortable situation’ – that is no excuse.  He needs to grow up and learn how to manage his fear/frustration/anger appropriately.   And the fact that you make excuses for him is an even bigger concern to me.   I don’t care that he cries at animal adoption commercials, some of the worst perpetrators of domestic violence are some of the most charming men in a public setting.   The fact that you asked him not to grope you in front of your family and he got mad at you and called you a bitch tells me that there is something very, very wrong in this relationship right now.    I’m so happy to hear that you’re going to pursue counselling – it is most definitely needed before the baby arrives.   You recognizing that there is a problem is the first step, the second step is making sure he recognizes there is  problem as well.  

Good luck honey, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for the best! 

Post # 33
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m glad you’re looking into counseling. I really believe everyone should try it at least once. You’ve said some things before about your husband that have made me go “Uh… what?!”

I know one thread in particular you passed it off as a joke on his part, but seriously, words can be really hurtful. He needs to keep himself in check, especially if you’re going to be parents.

Post # 34
Member
13095 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

This isn’t the first thread regarding issues between you and your husband (“joking” about divorcing you after you have your baby) that sent up major red warning flags for me.

It is NEVER, under any circumstances, okay for him to call you a bitch and verbally abuse you.  And the fact that you make excuses for him and seem afraid to call him out on his unacceptable behavior (wanting the doctor to “bring it up” for you) makes me even more concerned.

Post # 35
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@firstimemom  I just wanted to commend you for being so candid about your situation.  I know it is easy for others to read your words and instantly have all the answers. I hope you know this is advice coming from a loving community that you are quite a large part of!  As someone who was in an unsavory relationship for quite awhile I completely understand how some of these responses might cause you to maybe have some eye rolls or even start looking inward at yourself as to what you’re doing to contribute to DH’s issue with name-calling. However, I just wanted to point out that acknowledging he has issues is a great thing, but making excuses for him, or worse implying you are the reason for it exclusively only enables that behavior and will leave you running in circles and wondering why this continues to happen for a very long time.

I hope you’re able to work through this with DH, and also continue to be open about your relationship issues on the boards.  PM me if you ever want to talk more specifically :o)

Post # 36
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Standing up, applauding at @nskillet’s words.  I completely agree and have so much respect for you that you are able to be open about your fears rather than just pretending everything is fine.  We are ALL here for you and only want what is best for you, your daughter, and your marriage.  Best wishes and please let us know how things progress.

Post # 37
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think the labour experience will be a welcome wakeup call for your DH. It can be a tough and stressful situation, and most men take control and do wonderfully. Also, after we had our DS Fiance thought I was superwoman and realised just how strong I was as a person- that might also have some impact for your DH.

 

Post # 39
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I really think in the delivery room it will be different. Obviously your a team and you two got married, got pregnant, and are now bringing a being into the world. I think its such a life changing experience that I can’t see someone being nasty… other than the pained mama 🙂

I don’t condone name calling at all and actually hate that word more than anything. But just playing devils advocate; this might be his go to word when he feels defensive. Sometimes we as humans get in the groove of developing REALLY bad habbits. I would think that would be one of them. And as we do it morE and more, and its allowed more and more… sometimes it just rolls off the tounge.  Although you might worry he might get defensive while even discussing it… just do it. Let him know you don’t want him to call you that and that he needs to think of somethng else to express his frustration. If it hurts your feelings, makes your uncomfortable situation even more uncomfortable… then just let him know. This is not you being a bitch, your just being honest.

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