Worried about my marriage and hoping for advice

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4173 posts
Honey bee

Let me introduce you to the cardinal rule of cheating: If he admits to dancing there was kissing. There’s always more, you never get the whole truth.

You’re being quite calm; I’d be filled with revulsion and kick his ass out for a few nights while you think about things and call asshole friend’s wife for a little chat. Your husband needs to ditch this friend, he’s not a friend to your marriage. you are the company you keep, and this situation illustrates that perfectly. Otherwise he can go experience the single life for real. 

There are no half measures when dealing with cheating. It’s all or nothing.

Post # 3
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, Bee.  Your husband is a married man, as is his friend, and they should behave as such.  Go out and have drinks with the guys… whatever.  But DON’T pull women into the mix.  What in the world were they thinking? 

Your husband is shocked by his own behavior.  This should be the biggest indication that it’s not okay. 

I can’t tell you what you should do about it.  I don’t think it’s necessarily something that warrants discussing the ultimate fate of your marriage, but I think it is important that you set firm boundaries as to what you will and won’t accept.  Your husband, who you say is a nice guy, doesn’t need to be out and about with a cheater and womanizer.  It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been friends.

Seriously, if your husband values a friend like that over his marriage, there’s something wrong and he needs to consider what that is and come up with a solution.  In this case, I would express your disappointment in an obvious way, and ask him what his plan is to prevent something like that from ever happening again.  He knows it was wrong, you’re hurt, and something about these guys nights obviously needs to change. I would vote for a permanent discontinuance until cheating friend is out of the picture.  As for him “never drinking again”, that’s a little harsh.  He shouldn’t have been drinking and driving, but that one is a little more easily remedied unless you believe he has a legitimate alcohol problem.

Post # 4
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Yeah, that’s some embarrassing frat shit you do when you’re young and SINGLE and supposedly don’t know any better. I would be silently furious for weeeeks and fighting myself to not take revenge. I asked my husband if he’d be okay with it if I ever wanted to go “clubbing,” and he said, “Yeah, but I would go with you.” 

Your husband really blew up the trust by talking real big about how he’s disgusted by his friend, and yet went grinding on some random girl at a club. Because my first thought is that being drunk simply lowered his inhibitions and he really had a good time, but also I would wonder if anything else happened. He’s groveling a lot.

Post # 5
Member
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

sarahbee123 :  No I don’t think you’re re overreacting. Your hurt and upset is very valid on both the girl and the drink driving. Both behaviors would make me see someone I loved in  very different light.

The one thing he has going for him at the moment is that he told you straight away and hss on his own vowed to take measures on stopping this from happening again. He’s obviously remorseful and I’d take the wait and see approach with how he behaves from now on in. I’d also allow yourself time to feel the hurt and emotions of this. I’d also try and work out what you require of him to rebuild trust and work past this. I’d tell him what you need from him to move past this. His level of commitment to trying to right his wrong will show you if he truly is remorseful for his acts or if its all for show and he only told you because he thought it would get back to you somehow from the wives and girlfriends of the guys present that night.

I’d also fit a breathalyser lock on any vehicle you own because he can’t be trusted to not get behind wheel when he’s consumed alcohol. That could have ended up in tragedy for others if he killed someone through his negligence. If he ended up taking his own life through his poor choices its sad but his own fault. If he took another person out from his choices that’s unforgivable…

Edit to add that alcohol has never made me do what I haven’t wanted to do. I’m still me but I’m just a drunk version of me. I’d be very wary of someone saying that alcohol turned them into someone else and made them act differently romantic their normal self. It probably can happen but the people I know are the same people they normally are when they are drunk. Their personality doesn’t change they just drop the guard they normally have up when sober. 

Post # 7
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I don’t think you are iver reacting, but I also don’t think this is a marriage destroying transgression. I think the fact that he is as upset as he is with his behaviour and that he decided without any pushing from you that enough is enough with this friend is positive. 

Be upset. Be angry. Be honest about it. But at the end of the day, if he has always been a good partner to you, be willing to work with him to get past this. 

Post # 8
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I would encourage you to dig a lot deeper on this and talk to your husband and probe for more information. Whilst dancing with another woman isn’t technically cheating, it’s horribly inappropriate and disrespectful to you and your relationship, especially the type of dancing he’s describing and I personally would not be happy with this if it were me. I’m also disgusted by the fact that he drove home drunk, this is not the behaviour of a decent and responsible person. These actions could have lead to him killing himself or someone else all because he couldn’t just wait for you to pick him up. I hope you can get the answers that you need and that this works out for you.

Post # 9
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

sunburn :  Agreed one hundred percent! If there was dancing, there was kissing and possibly more. Why else would he rather drive home blackout drunk than have you come get him? What would you have seen if you’d went to get him that he would rather risk killing himself and possibly someone else to prevent?

Something is super fishy here, bee and unfortunately I feel like you’re not getting the whole story. He is WAY too apologetic in my book for it to have been “just dancing.” Swearing off his ‘friend’ since high school AND drinking without provocation leads me to believe there is a lot more to his than he is willing to say. 

Post # 10
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I am surprised it took him so much time to realize this was a toxic relationship. I hope he keeps up his work. I personally would only forgive him if he actually does something to change the problem: stop hanging out with this guy on these guys nights. You can still have a good time with friends at a restaurant or at a home reunion.

If he is just words and promises, but shows no true regret…then I’d probably see into consult or divorce.

Post # 11
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

thebeekeeper :  Yeah, I agree, his reactions seems way out of proportion to what he’s saying happened.

Bee, unfortunately he crossed so many lines here that I do think there’s more to the story.

Firstly, he knew what kinds of nights the dirtbag friend organised and still chose to go to them. That alone would’ve hella pissed me off.

Secondly, did your husband or the other friends ever call this friend out on his cheating? Tell the wife? Freeze him out, or some repercussion, due to this behaviour. Complicity = enabling, which seems to be key to the ‘bro’ (dickhead) code.

Thirdly, grinding on some chick in a club? Na. Gross. I’m sure these girls, or other girls, were around much earlier in the night so he could’ve chosen not to get drunk so that he could drive himself home when appropriate (I.e. as soon as these random chicks showed up that his friend wants to sleep with).

Then, knowing you were waiting up for him on a work night and letting you stay up? Na.

Lasty, drunk driving. I don’t need to explain why that’s bad but I do thing something may have happened at the club that may have made him want get home ASAP.

Dont be hard on yourself about letting Darling Husband keep this friend around. Like you say, that’s not a decision you can make for someone. Men are dumb af when it comes to sleezy friends like these that have been around since childhood. While it’s easy for us to see what bad influences they are, men aren’t able to just see the obvious and cut the fat (my Darling Husband has friends like these, so I feel your pain on this). Your Darling Husband is an adult, he should be able to make mature decisions about the influences he allows into his life. Sadly there was nothing you could do about this friend until your Darling Husband got a shock like this. 

And no, if anything more than grinding happened I don’t think that group of friends would do the honourable thing and tell you about it. People with integrity wouldn’t have been in that position in the first place (sorry, that’s harsh, i know ☹️).

Post # 12
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

almostmrsbee :  I agree totally about men not being able to cut the fat! It’s possible that it happens more with women and that’s why we’re more accustomed to cutting toxic people but it’s definitely more of a thing with us. My SO and I were just talking about this last night as he has/had a friend that began to make him feel physically in danger. Like this guy would act in a certain way and put him in situations that he felt like he was going to have to fight his way out of and he STILL feels guilty for not hanging out with this person! 

I’m sorry but if I think any harm is going to come to me, not just once but multiple times, I’m out. And I’m not feeling guilty.

Post # 13
Member
9926 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m going withthe camp of more happened and he’s freaking out trying to come up with something before it gets back to you. He’s already laying groundwork to say that he was so drunk he doesn’t remember doing whatever he did.

Isnt it funny he can remember exactly what he did with this girl but doesn’t remember driving home?

Post # 14
Member
808 posts
Busy bee

I don’t agree that if there was dancing there was FOR SURE kissing. Is it possible, yea, but not an automatic so some bees should calm to drama down. There’s no cardinal rules of cheating as everything there’s a spectrum.

Yea OP I’d be REALLY pissed and it’s not okay at all what he did. It seems he recognizes how bad it was though so that’s a good sign. I would continue to be honest with him, he broke your trust and it’s not something you’ll just get over it will take time

Post # 15
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

sarahbee123 :  “He was with a group of 4 other guy friends who were all standing in the same area as him (it’s not a super big place), so if anything did happen, I’m fairly sure it would (or will?) get back to me. ” 

Bee, did any of these same guys ever tell asshole friend’s wife that he was cheating?  Guys don’t typically rat out their friends.  You’re not likely to find out from any of them.

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