(Closed) Worried about my niece

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: Should girls in their mid-20s be concerned about finding a husband?

    Yes. They should start husband shopping/dating smart.

    No. Marriage is not a requirement for women these days.

    Yes. Every woman should have the security of marriage.

    No. There is still plenty of time.

  • Post # 31
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

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    Bunny_the_Bride:  I got married just before I turned 22 but I have a friend who hasn’t had a bf in 6 years and is 25 this year. She freaks out sometimes and says she feels behind but everyone’s life moves at a different pace, everyone has their own timeline. It will happen when the time is right and telling her you are concerned will not go over well… Let her live her life in her time frame.

    Post # 32
    Member
    2597 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

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    Bunny_the_Bride:  Your niece knows how old she is.

    Why do you assume she wants kids?

    Why do you assume she wants marriage?

    Why do you assume she needs a husband to buy a home?

    If marriage or a meaningful relationship are her goals, then there is logic in dating smart as you say. Or, she could take the attitude that I did – it will happen if/when it happens and it just feels icky taking a mercenary, hard target search approach to matrimony. In my opinion, women who so this are looking for a man – any man – who looks good on paper and is willing to put a ring on it instead of finding and nurturing an authentic, loving relationship.

    Does she seem happy? Then leave her alone. There is already plenty of noise in society telling women that regardless of what they accomplish or actually even want, they’re nothing without a man and a baby. Trust me, she’s heard that message loud and clear. How about cheering her on just as who and how she is? 

    Post # 33
    Member
    3371 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Is this for real? Way to set back feminism 50 years, OP.

    Your niece sounds like a smart, accomplished young woman. If she happens to be interested in marriage sometime in the future, she’s got plenty of time to meet the right person. And who knows, perhaps she’s not interested in marriage. Perhaps it’s simply not a priority to her. If she is anything like I was at 25, she’s probably focused on building her career and kicking professional goals. Whatever the case is, it’s simply not of your business to judge and intervene. 

    And by the way, your association of marriage with security is both naive and a false assumption. Spouses grow apart, people cheat, marriages end. If you haven’t built a life of security for yourself, then you might be in for a rude shock later down the track.

     

    Post # 34
    Member
    982 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    Bunny_the_Bride:  Pretty judgey for someone who married a dude old enough to be her dad, no?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by  yellowtulip8.
    Post # 35
    Member
    1222 posts
    Bumble bee

    I have a friend who is a little younger than your niece and still hasn’t finished college (and still lives with her parents) because she doesn’t know what she wants to do . Your niece has plenty of time- and who says she wants to be married? I know several people for whom the idea of settling down feels stifling and almost claustrophobic. Being married isn’t a requirement, and people live perfectly happy, fufilling lives without being married. That’s like saying someone’s life isn’t complete without kids. There is no one-size-fits-all model for lifestyle choices. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    1667 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I too went to graduate school and started my career at 25. I also casually dated for years, not because I didn’t want to get married, but because I wasn’t about to sell myself short and settle for something less than I deserved just so I could be married before 30. I decided early on that marriage was only going to be for me if I found someone who made me desperate to be married to them!

    I didn’t meet the right man until I was 31, first marriage for both of us, we are getting married this summer and I am 33. I am already a homeowner, it isn’t too late for us to try for children, life has not passed me by. I feel sorry for people who sell themselves short because of a sense of time running out. Only get married if you meet the right man – and if it is what you want!

    Post # 37
    Member
    1882 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

     

    Bunny_the_Bride:  I had zero interest in husband hunting at 25. In fact I’d run the other way if a guy I went on a date with seemed like he wanted to get too serious. I knew relationships took time and work, and I wanted to run around with my girlfriends, travel, and focus on my career.

    During that time I bought not one but two homes (one of which I rent out), got myself to a point of emotional and financial stability, and made lifelong friendships. I got into a serious relationship with my husband to be at 28 and will be married in 6 months in my early 30s.

    I adore my fiance and I am thrilled to be getting married, but I don’t need him to achieve any of my goals or dreams for myself. I would want to raise my possible future daughter and inspire any young ladies around me to think the same way.

    Post # 38
    Member
    556 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Maybe she has only casually dated because the men she has met so far are only worth casually dating. Getting serious about marriage doesn’t make the right guy magically appear. I was never into casual dating myself–I was always looking for the one. It got me hurt and I wasted time that I could have spent focusing on making my life better in other ways. Eventually the right one came along, and I’m sure that will happen for her too. Please don’t nag her.

    Post # 39
    Member
    2942 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I bought my home at 25.  I was not married (seriously dating, but not married)   No where in the application process did they insist that I have a husband.  I’m quite sure that is ILLEGAL.  If she wants to buy a house and has the money, she can buy a house, no hubby required.  

    Also, husband hunting and dating with the purpose of finding a husband usually puts too much pressure on a young relationship.  Dating should be fun, and if it becomes something more serious, so be it.  If you are “husband hunting” dating beomes more work and less natural, and that is just not going to be fun. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    637 posts
    Busy bee

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    Bunny_the_Bride:  The value of getting married may be in obtaining a dual income. But any woman risks her financial stability by having children. If she was focused _only_ on economics, she wouldn’t be focused on having children anyway. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    40 posts
    Newbee

    Be happy that she went for the higher education and will be able to take care of herself on her own merits.  At 25 I wasn’t even thinking about it yet.  I felt too young.  It marriage is something she wants, she’ll start working on it when she’s ready.  If he’s happy now, I wouldn’t be too worried.  All things have their time 🙂

    Post # 42
    Member
    3274 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I can’t even imagine not being married by 25, but it’s not for everyone I guess. Of course my degrees and career are important to me but they could never come before my marriage or family. I don’t get why some people believe you have to choose one or the other. I think marriage and raising a family is one of the most important parts of life but not everyone feels that way. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    982 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    MrsN14:  Education is forever; marriage, not always so much. Of course no one wants to think they will be divorced or lose their financial stability. It happens all too frequently though. To put all your eggs in the marriage basket before making sure you (general “you”) can support yourself is foolish. 

    I don’t think one has to choose one or the other either but to just choose marriage is silly, In My Humble Opinion.

    Post # 44
    Member
    436 posts
    Helper bee

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    Bunny_the_Bride:  Do you sincerely think it’s any of your business? Better to wait and marry the right one than marry just for the sake of being married, only to get divorced. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    1444 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

     

    Bunny_the_Bride:  Well you certainly want her to marry the love of her life, not just anyone just so she’s married right? So she hasn’t found that person yet.  At 25 I was finishing law school, hardly dating and just in general living my life – and I was happy! A week after I turned 29 I met my now Fiance, and we’ll be married in 2 months – I’m 32.  She has plenty of time and if she hasn’t met someone she wants to marry, then there’s definitely no point in saying anything to her (it’s also no one’s business but hers).  Just be proud she’s very accomplished and seems to have a great head on her shoulders – she’ll be fine!

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