Post # 16
It sounds like you’re just not ready for a relationship right now. Everything has moved very quickly as you only divorced in June. I’m not going to tell you that you need to break up with the guy, but I don’t see this relationship lasting long until you are truly ready to move on. It sounds like you haven’t given yourself any time to process and grieve your marriage.
I recommend therapy for sure. And I don’t mean books. I mean talking to a therapist.
Post # 17
It does sound like you jumped into this relationship too soon. You need to figure some things about. I think therapy would be a great help for you.
However, if this guy is great and you want to be with him, I don’t think you necessarily have to give him up just yet. You SHOULD be honest with him. Tell him that you need to work on yourself a bit but you don’t want to lose him. You’re working on your issues and you hope he’ll stick with you through it, but you understand if he doesn’t.
Tell him the truth, and let him make the decision about whether he wants to be with you given everything.
Post # 18
I don’t think you are ready for another serious relationship just yet bee. The emotional trauma from you’re past relationship hasn’t healed yet and you’re happy because you probably ARE happy but the trauma from the past relationship is causing you to second guess yourself & have self doubt.
I have no doubts that he cares about you & is happy; but you need to deal with you’re own emotional state before bringing him into something he can’t fix. Like you mentioned in your OP he is an act of service guy so you don’t want him thinking he needs to fix you.
I think this relationship can maybe work out. However, you might want to think about going to therapy to find out the source of you’re past relationship trauma.
Post # 19
We always meet the right people at the wrong time.. I would sort myself out and figure out a way to stay with him and when i say sort myself out i dont mean see anyone else… I met someone at the wrong time after a terrible relationship I was so afraid to lose him i just forced myself to get myself together and now we are married and i have no regrets… He seems like a really nice guy and I am sure you can figure something out and stay with him…
Post # 20
Thank you bees for your advice. I’m hearing a somewhat consistent message around my “not being ready” for a serious relationship, that I have personal work to do regarding my perception of my self following my divorce, and that this guy sounds pretty decent and I need to be more honest with him. Lots to think about. Thank you x
Post # 21
I agree with a couple other bees saying you might want to take a bit of time for yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to cut off communication with him. But I do think you are almost trying to fill the void from your last relationship and therefore you are trying to prevent anything that could possibly go wrong this time around, which is in turn making you very anxious and over analytical. I’d say focus more on how you feel about yourself instead of how he feels about you! Once you are secure in yourself you won’t need as much reassurance from him and you can begin to build your relationship in a healthier way!
Post # 22
I know I’m a little late here but I’m in the minority here as far as “taking time off” goes.
I think that you should tell him what’s on your mind. He’s not stupid. He knows you JUST got divorced and has to realize that someone who just got out of a marriage likely comes with a little extra baggage. The fact that he’s been willing to help you along thus far suggests he really cares for you and you two could be good together.
I met my fiancé as the third online date I ever went on 6 months after a string of awful relationships. He had just broken up with his emotionally abusive gf a month before we met. It’s safe to say that neither of us were ready to be committed again so soon. We decided to be friends after a wonderful month together and keep dating other people. I went on 20 or so horrible first dates over the next year and a half and he went on quite a few himself. We ultimately decided to be together after a lot of soul searching and we were lucky that we didn’t lose each other in the process. Sometimes, when you meet the right person at the wrong time, it’s possible to make it work.
My point is, everyone has a story. If you are 100% open and honest with him, then you can leave it up to him whether or not he’s willing to stick around while you heal. Just prepare yourself in case he isn’t able to, but the right thing will happen for you as long as you’re honest.
Post # 23
I was lucky enough to meet a great guy right after I left my abusive exh. The timing wasn’t right, but it made no sense to me to blow off a guy as good as that one.
He handled it exactly right. Zero pressure. Just nice evenings out to dinner, some live theater, playing with my German Shepherds and drinking lots of wine.
It was eight months before we crossed the line from platonic to lovers. By then, we knew each other well and I felt safe and secure. Eventually, I married him.
I was like you in that I was tortured by anxiety and insecurity in relationships. Finally, I went to work with an excellent therapist to deal with my own stuff and I was ultimately diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression which have to be treated medically.
But, none of that relationship anxiety manifested in the years I was with my then bf. I never feared he would leave me or cheat.
I wouldn’t be to quick to write off all of the discomfort you’re feeling as the product of your own internal demons.