(Closed) Worried about my waiting friend…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

The thing that is really sad is that she has to give him that ultimatum.

I would not get involved personally. She has probably given this some serious thought if she has been with him for that many years. Grown ups make their own decisions….this is hers.

I have always said that I didnt want Fiance to marry me because I pressured him, I wanted him to marry me because he decided he did not want to be without me.

That said, I had to wait over 6 years for my proposal. I too left my Fiance at one point. Not entirely becuase of the marriage thing though. We seperated for 8 months. He came back one day saying that he had tried to get on with life like I had but it just wasnt working out for him without me. I was satisfied with this because he didnt come back right after our split saying he wanted to get married just to get me back or anything like that. We seperated…..lived our lives, and he came to the conclusion on his own that WE were what he wanted. He proposed 2 months later. I am 34.

Let your friend do what she wants…..she may be feeling that at her age she may be wasting precious time waiting on him while she COULD be getting out there finding someone else who wants the same things out of life as she does. I say good for her.

 

Post # 5
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

@K_alecia: 

Let your friend do what she wants…..she may be feeling that at her age she may be wasting precious time waiting on him while she COULD be getting out there finding someone else who wants the same things out of life as she does. I say good for her.

I totally agree!

Post # 7
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

@Evie19: Best advise, just be there to listen to her. Do not tt the bf for her. When a couple talks, it is very different than when us women talk amongst ourselves. He is obviously committed to her, 6 yrs is nothing to sneeze at, but i agree with a timeline on this one. Men do not seem to understand the women’s needs when it comes to having a family – thank you hormones lol

I might address the issues in a lighter way – stating, so, when are we going add a few toy babies into this play house were living in ? If he were to say, not till were married, than she needs to say well than, let’s hop on that train, times a wasting. Tomorrows weather forecast looks like it’s a great day to go ring shopping and the extended forecast looks like August (example) is a great month to end this game ! 

If I were here, I’d be weighing the pros/cons of staying at this point, unfortunately, he is using the divorce as an excuse and she needs to stop allowing him that vacancy !!  Best of luck to her 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeah, he seems pretty clueless as to the biological clock thing!

It just doesn’t seem to cross their minds, as I’ve discovered.  I finally had a conversation with my bf about *why* my biological clock is ticking – all the risks that get elevated having kids post 35 (I turn 32 this summer) and how much I’d like to be able to enjoy playing with kids, not be 60 at graduation, etc.  He turns 36 this summer, so that may hit him a little more.  I found out he have never thought about these things.  Shortly after I explained it, he seemed to be thinking about it – e.g. telling friends of mine we may not be in this apartment longer than 2 years, because of wanting to get married and have kids.

So I’d suggest that you find out if she’s expressed these fertility/health etc. (whatever is setting off her clock) issues with her bf and if she hasn’t, gently suggest that conversation may be in order.  Also, if he is not on the same page with wanting a big family, there’s a chance this delay could be unconscious delaying tactic by him to try to prevent that from happening.

Post # 11
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Evie19:

Aside from the prior divorce thing I was a little worried you were one of my friends! Haha. This situation really mirrors my own pretty closely. I agree that you shouldn’t really involve yourself in this and that supporting her by being there is o e of the only things you can do. The one thing I might suggest if I were her friend though…I’m a little concerned by her ultimatum. Not that she has one, but it kind of sounds like this guy doesn’t know it’s coming. Maybe I’m wrong because we don’t know all the details. And I definitely get that she doesn’t want to say something like: propose by June 1st or I’m leaving. But I had a talk with my guy a few months ago and basically said we need to take the next step or reevaluate the relationship. That way at least he knows something is coming and that he’s supposed to do something if he doesn’t want to lose her. Maybe mention that you’re afraid he might not know a deadline is coming that he has to have things done by?

Post # 13
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee

Hmm I know I might be going a little against the tide here but I’m thinking what I would do if it was my BFF in this situation.

Honestly I’m more of an advocate for the guys, and even though I know your friend asked you not to talk to her boyfriend about their situation but I would be sneaky and try to bring up the topic around him. It doesn’t have to be about them speficially, but I would try to make it seem like I’m having a problem with my SO and needed a guy’s perspective, and hopefully that will maybe kick start him into thinking about his own relationship with your friend. I know everyone is saying not to meddle in their relationship, but sometimes people needs that outside influence to see what they really have and to give them that little push to move forward. 

As for her maybe not being clear with her boyfriend about her deadline, I think you really need to tell her that she needs to tell him that. Its unfair to him to have this ticking bomb hidden in the closet somewhere. And like the PPs have said you just have to be there for her and maybe be the voice of reason when she is maybe not thinking clearly of the reasons why he hasn’t proposed yet.

I think its really sweet that you are so worried about your friend & I really hope that her boyfriend gets his butt moving soon before he misses out.

Post # 14
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Taylor4: If he doesn’t suspect it’s coming after SIX YEARS….. I don’t know. I personally wouldn’t feel too sorry if he was planning to propose in July or August, because it seems like he’s putting his need for the status quo WAY above her need for a family. The sad thing is, he could find someone who wants to be a lifetime girlfriend and have that the rest of his life. She’s got probably six years to make her dream come true.

I personally wouldn’t have waited around that long. I applaud her for finally sticking to her guns and getting into a situation where she can realize her dreams before it’s too late. He may love her, but love isn’t a once-in-a-lifetime thing, and if he doesn’t love her enough to not put himself in a position to crush her dreams of having a family (or AT LEAST to be honest about his desire NOT to have one anytime soon), then he might not love her as much as someone else might.

Post # 16
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@EffieTrinket: I think there are definitely guys out there who think: “Oh she hasn’t brought it up, that means I don’t need to think about it.” Like I said, I don’t know the details. Maybe they’ve had several talks about it and he says he needs more time and just keeps pushing her off again and again. If that was the case I think she’s justified in just picking a day and then say: “Okay, you said it would happen, it’s been two years, nothing has happened so I’m leaving.” But if they’ve only had one vague talk, or worse–none? Then he does deserve a little heads up that she’s at her limit and he has a short window to make it happen. 

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