Post # 1
My Future Mother-In-Law is a nice woman–she’s a bit odd (FI agrees), but she’s always been nice and welcoming to me although not exactly warm because that just isn’t who she is. Because of this we aren’t very close. For some reason, the wedding has caused Future Mother-In-Law to become very opinionated, and it is really starting to make me uncomfortable. For example, she really pushed hard for me to have a bouquet of calla lilies even though I upfront stated I wanted roses. It got so bad the florist eventually stepped in and told her that it was clear I didn’t want them and we should move on. Later that day she announced (not asked) that her 3 dogs should be in the ceremony. I love dogs, but really don’t know hers at all (nor does FI–she got them recently), they are very badly behaved and bark non-stop, and hell I just don’t want them there. When Fiance said “no way” immediately she was surprised and said that she assumed we’d be ok with her making a decision like that (…without consulting us first?!).
Then she announced that she had already bought toasting flutes for us–they turned out to be used and SUPER unbelievably awful (and I never ever thought you could say that about a toasting flute, but these were COMICAL–they were chunky, the bottoms looked like pillars and had glass ‘balls’ in the middle with little plastic figurines inside–one of a cake, the other of a bride/groom). Once again I had to say that while I appreciate the thought, I just really don’t want to use this as our wedding is much more modern, simple, and sleek.
But what really got me was when she started telling Fiance that his choice of suit was stupid (yes, she used that word). He wants to wear gray–it’s one of the very few things he cares about, and she keeps bashing it to his face! I can’t stand this! She wants him to wear a white tux or at the least a navy blue suit–these don’t match the season/time/style of our wedding, and Fiance is a grown man who can decide what color he wants to wear on his own damn wedding day. Thankfully, he can brush her opinions off and he’s getting the suit he wants.
These 3 things all happened in just one single day this week.
I’m already letting her make some crafts for the wedding so she can feel included, and I’m trying hard to not be a bridezilla, I just want to make the decisions between Fiance and I and not feel like I’m being put in the awkward position of having to tell her ‘no thanks’ all the time to things she does/announces. I know I can’t stop her from having opinions or voicing them–but is there a way to gently tell her that she should please stop buying stuff or assuming that some of her ‘plans’ for the wedding are ok without checking with us first???
Post # 3
Oh, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how awkward and uncomfortable it has to be with her butting in and trying to steer your wedding her way. I wish I had some advice for you, but I hope some other bees do! ((Hugssss!))
Post # 4
Um, I’m a bit speechless. I would probably do what I do with my Future Mother-In-Law. Nod and smile at the time, and completely ignore it later on.
Post # 5
@bearlove:Wow poor you! I would totally blame it on someone else – your maid of honor, mother, sister, best friend, or anyone you feel would best serve your purpose. Just say “Awww, those toasting flutes are sooo cute, but unfortunately (blank) has already picked some out for us. She’s super excited and she’s sort of taking charge! In fact, I kinda wish she’d back off a little and let me handle things myself!” Maybe she will take the hint.
Post # 6
That’s crazy! I agree with the others… nod and smile and then do your own thing.
Post # 7
@bearlove: Been there. I was doing the smile and nod thing, and the no thanks thing, till I needed to take things up a notch.
The other thing I ended up doing (after the smile and nod stopped working) was to tell her things in a way that made it clear that I was only “informing” her of things, rather than running ideas past her. For example, “My bouquet will be all roses”, rather than “I’m thinking of having an all rose bouquet”. If you say it very definitely and assertively, hopefully she will get the hint.
When my Future Mother-In-Law *still* didn’t realise I didn’t want to involve her in planning, I just stopped talking about it altogether. She would ask questions about whether I’d gotten the flowers or booked the DJ, and I’d just say yes. (although I do note that you want to include her in the planning)
I think the trick is to have boundaries, and be consistent with them. I realised that what I was doing wroing initially was to let her have input, but then completely disregard it. It probably wasn’t very fair to her.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 8
Thanks all! I think perhaps I do need to be more upfront and state that I too have strong opinions on how the wedding should be. She’s mentioned before how she had her dream wedding and got everything she wanted, so perhaps I can say that I would just like the same for Fiance and myself. Luckily, we live in Chicago right now although the wedding and families are all in NJ, so I only have to deal with this in bursts when I visit home and Fiance has been amazing in telling his mom she’s crossing boundaries when he sees I’m upset (it doesn’t work well, but it does make me appreciate him that much more!). I’m a bit worried about her pulling something so I’ve informed the vendors that if she calls them with “changes” or “suggestions” that she isn’t authorized to do that and please refer all questions to me.
I’m actually hoping hardcore that FI’s sister (who I adore even though she is opinionated as well but in a MUCH less annoying way–she takes the hint and drops it) gets engaged soon and Future Mother-In-Law can redirect some of her energies. I’ve actually known FSIL’s bf my whole life (they met on the internet making it even funnier) and I think he will propose soon. He asked if I would see it as taking the spotlight off me and I immediately said “no way! as long as you don’t propose AT the wedding!” so here’s hoping that it works out!