Post # 1
We’ve discussed our pasts in detail (probably a mistake) and I’m worried that he’s not being completely honest about some stuff. Mainly how many people he’s had unprotected sex with.
I’ve asked him several times how many people he’s had unprotected sex with (I have kind of an STD phobia) and he’s told me 4 including me numerous times. Then I got pregnant and in a terrible turn of events he blurted out that he’s already had a miscarriage with an ex before (I thought I was having one). So he got this ex pregnant because a condom broke so it was technically unprotected sex. He told me he didn’t tell me about it because he honestly forgot. He wasn’t crazy about this girl at all and was upset when she got pregnant. He said he just tried to forget that it happened.
I don’t know if I should consider this a “lie” or not. It upsets me a little because a while ago we had been talking about condoms breaking and not knowing until after you’ve finished and he told me it happened to him one time and he didn’t finish or he would have gotten plan b. Then he tells me about the ex and says he forgot. Then I remembered that he told me one time that he did get plan b for someone because of a broken condom. He said he got it “just in case”. So is this another unprotected partner? Why would he tell me that he only realized he had a broken condom after sex once if it was possibly three times? I’m assuming he finished the time he got plan b.
I know it seems like I’m obsessing about his past a little, but little details like this bother me. Should I ask him about this?
Post # 2
pinkarmadillo : Have you both had recent STD tests?
Post # 3
pinkarmadillo : uh no. You should back away slowly while he hasn’t seen this part of the insanity. WHY on EARTH would you need to know/torture yourself with every detail of his past sex life?!
Post # 4
Astra : Yes, I just did and he went for his today.
Post # 5
pinkarmadillo : I find it hard to believe anyone could forget a pregnancy and miscarriage–but that’s me.
RE: your fear of STDs–you should both get tested–end of that one. Neither of you should feel you have to recount every detail of every sexual relationship.
Post # 6
pinkarmadillo : If I was counting how many people I’ve had unprotected sex with…I would not count a broken condom.
Post # 7
pinkarmadillo : re: your update, if you are so scared of STIs, how do you date someone long enough to be engaged to them before getting tested together? That should’ve been your step 1 and then you could’ve avoided these awkward conversations and delving so deeply into his past.
Post # 8
Get STD tests and call it a day. Stop trying to figure out the past. You dont need to know every detail of who he slept with and if it was raw or not.
Post # 9
Personally, I don’t think it matters how many people he’s had unprotected relations with as long as you have both gotten tested recently and are negative. Nor do I think his complete history is anyones business but his own and that includes you.
From reading this and your history, it seems like you started having unprotected sex with him right off the bat as soon as you started dating a year ago. You really should consider using protection with any new partners for your own health and peace of mind.
I would also like to add the bees told you months ago that you both needed to be tested and it seems like you kind of just ignored that. We also advised you having”baby fever” with a guy you had been dating a month wasn’t a good reason not to use protection of some kind. Is there a reason you didn’t ask him to be tested when you first started seeing each other? Are you scared to ask him or what? Why did you never start using any birth control or condoms?!
Post # 10
You can get STIs even WITH condoms so I am not sure why the difference between 4 and maybe 5 matters, especially if you are both getting tested. Moreover, you can have unprotected sex and NOT get an STI.
Also, I would not have counted a broken condom as choosing unprotected sex.
You sound way too obsessive about this. Especially given you already have had unprotected sex, a pregnancy, etc. What does it matter at this point? Get tested and move on. He really has no obligation to give you even further details he may or may not even remember.
My husband and I shared the details of our pasts too, but it was before we had sex, in conjunction with testing, and we have never worried or concerned ourselves with our pasts again because it just does not matter. Its the past.
Post # 11
Why dont you just both get std tests and then let it go?? You sound like you already want to judge what you dont know… so I wouldnt blame him for withholding from you.
Post # 12
pinkarmadillo : I have to agree with some of the PPs – if you’re that worried about STIs, get tested and then move on. It doesn’t matter the details, as long as you both are healthy.
Post # 13
I echo what others have said. If the concern is STIs, take a test. The number of people someone has had unprotected sex with doesn’t tell you anything regarding STI status or even the odds of them having acquired one. It only takes one infected partner to acquire an STI and some STIs can be acquired even with protected sex.
If the issue is you want to know about his sexual history because of some other reason, then I think you need to be honest about that reason and see if he wants to disclose that information.
Im all for transparency in my primary relationships, but even I would think quizzing me on prior sexual behaviour under the guise of wanting to know if I may have acquired an STI both unfair and, frankly, dishonest. I would suspect a hidden agenda, and I don’t like that.
Post # 14
I don’t understand the fixation women/men have on their partners past relationships. The only thing you should talk about is if you ever had any children or any STD’s STI’s. You don’t need to go in detail about past sexual endevours. That’s just a recepie for disaster. I know of one situation that my husband had a psycho EX and tried to get herself pregant because they had unprotected sex. It wasn’t brought up by him, it was brought up by his sister in law because she stood at the kitchen table and told her she was going to try to get pregnant. (this was after we all got christmas cards from her one year).
There is no need for me to know who he had sex with before me, if he used a condom it’s not my buisness. It happened before me, and it’s just a recipe for disaster. I only asked if he had ever been tested; and that was it.
I think you wanting to know all this is just going to get to you’re head. I don’t feel like the times he had accident’s is any of you’re buisness?
Maybe I’m just weird.
Post # 15
railroaderwifeyxo : Yeah, I agree with this. I don’t care. My SO has a long list…great, whatever. All I care about is that he is healthy. We have both been tested. That’s all I need to know. Thinking about his part with other women will make me go insane. He has picked me.