Worried fiance is lying to me about his past

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

pinkarmadillo :  Have you both had recent STD tests?   

Post # 3
Member
2049 posts
Buzzing bee

pinkarmadillo :  uh no. You should back away slowly while he hasn’t seen this part of the insanity. WHY on EARTH would you need to know/torture yourself with every detail of his past sex life?!

Post # 5
Member
6663 posts
Bee Keeper

pinkarmadillo :  I find it hard to believe anyone could forget a pregnancy and miscarriage–but that’s me. 

RE: your fear of STDs–you should both get tested–end of that one. Neither of you should feel you have to recount every detail of every sexual relationship. 

Post # 6
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

pinkarmadillo :  If I was counting how many people I’ve had unprotected sex with…I would not count a broken condom. 

Post # 7
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

pinkarmadillo :  re: your update, if you are so scared of STIs, how do you date someone long enough to be engaged to them before getting tested together? That should’ve been your step 1 and then you could’ve avoided these awkward conversations and delving so deeply into his past. 

Post # 8
Member
14947 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Get STD tests and call it a day.  Stop trying to figure out the past.  You dont need to know every detail of who he slept with and if it was raw or not. 

Post # 9
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Personally, I don’t think it matters how many people he’s had unprotected relations with as long as you have both gotten tested recently and are negative. Nor do I think his complete history is anyones business but his own and that includes you.

From reading this and your history, it seems like you started having unprotected sex with him right off the bat as soon as you started dating a year ago. You really should consider using protection with any new partners for your own health and peace of mind.

I would also like to add the bees told you months ago that you both needed to be tested and it seems like you kind of just ignored that. We also advised you having”baby fever” with a guy you had been dating a month wasn’t a good reason not to use protection of some kind. Is there a reason you didn’t ask him to be tested when you first started seeing each other? Are you scared to ask him or what? Why did you never start using any birth control or condoms?!

Post # 10
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

You can get STIs even WITH condoms so I am not sure why the difference between 4 and maybe 5 matters, especially if you are both getting tested. Moreover, you can have unprotected sex and NOT get an STI.

Also, I would not have counted a broken condom as choosing unprotected sex.

You sound way too obsessive about this. Especially given you already have had unprotected sex, a pregnancy, etc. What does it matter at this point? Get tested and move on. He really has no obligation to give you even further details he may or may not even remember.

My husband and I shared the details of our pasts too, but it was before we had sex, in conjunction with testing, and we have never worried or concerned ourselves with our pasts again because it just does not matter. Its the past.

Post # 11
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Why dont you just both get std tests and then let it go?? You sound like you already want to judge what you dont know… so I wouldnt blame him for withholding from you.

Post # 12
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

pinkarmadillo :  I have to agree with some of the PPs – if you’re that worried about STIs, get tested and then move on. It doesn’t matter the details, as long as you both are healthy. 

Post # 13
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I echo what others have said. If the concern is STIs, take a test. The number of people someone has had unprotected sex with doesn’t tell you anything regarding STI status or even the odds of them having acquired one. It only takes one infected partner to acquire an STI and some STIs can be acquired even with protected sex.

 

If the issue is you want to know about his sexual history because of some other reason, then I think you need to be honest about that reason and see if he wants to disclose that information. 

 

Im all for transparency in my primary relationships, but even I would think quizzing me on prior sexual behaviour under the guise of wanting to know if I may have acquired an STI both unfair and, frankly, dishonest. I would suspect a hidden agenda, and I don’t like that.

Post # 14
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

pinkarmadillo :  

I don’t understand the fixation women/men have on their partners past relationships. The only thing you should talk about is if you ever had any children or any STD’s STI’s. You don’t need to go in detail about past sexual endevours. That’s just a recepie for disaster. I know of one situation that my husband had a psycho EX and tried to get herself pregant because they had unprotected sex. It wasn’t brought up by him, it was brought up by his sister in law because she stood at the kitchen table and told her she was going to try to get pregnant. (this was after we all got christmas cards from her one year).

There is no need for me to know who he had sex with before me, if he used a condom it’s not my buisness. It happened before me, and it’s just a recipe for disaster. I only asked if he had ever been tested; and that was it.

I think you wanting to know all this is just going to get to you’re head. I don’t feel like the times he had accident’s is any of you’re buisness?

Maybe I’m just weird.

Post # 15
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

railroaderwifeyxo :  Yeah, I agree with this. I don’t care. My SO has a long list…great, whatever. All I care about is that he is healthy. We have both been tested. That’s all I need to know. Thinking about his part with other women will make me go insane. He has picked me. 

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