Worried fiance is lying to me about his past

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

You’ve been together long enough to be engaged and get pregnant and you haven’t had std tests? Seriously you’ve worked yourself in to this state Instead of just asking him to get tested! It doesn’t matter how many people he’s slept with or how many he had unprotected sex with it matters that you are both tested and clear before engaging in unprotected sex with each other. 

You need to let go the previous people that isn’t important but it’s silly to have unprotected sex with someone you don’t know is clean. I always maintained a rule of being tested between each partner (even if no actual intercourse took place or it was always protected as infections can still spread through oral and condoms) if I was going to have unprotected sex with a partner he had to be tested for me to see before it happened. It is about protecting your health. 

I used to want to know how many people a boyfriend had slept with and then I realised it really really doesn’t matter. I don’t know dh’s number although I do know it’s high (he was 38 when we got together and had only had a few serious relationships) and he doesn’t know mine and you know what we are happier for it. It’s only as important as you make it to be. 

Post # 17
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

Both get tested and if you are both negative let it go.  My husband and I had unprotected sex very early on and I’ve never once questioned that he lied about his STD status or whether or not he had unprotected sex

Post # 18
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Like others I have a hard time believing you’re this concerned with STD’s yet have never gotten tested with this man prior to now. Now that I’m older and wiser STD tests happen before sex  and its not about phobia or paranoia its simply a health and safety concern. His past is just that, the past. Aside from sharing STD status or anything that might directly impact your health in some way I don’t think his detailed sexual history is any of your business. Get your test results and let this go. If you can’t let this go then let him go bc you’re being unreasonable. 

Post # 19
929 posts
Busy bee

How is a broken condom unprotected sex? They protected themselves, but it broke. I think you should both get tested to put your mind at east and let his past be just that, his past and you your past and move on with your future.

Post # 20
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Just because you use condoms doesn’t mean you don’t have Save-The-Date Cards. Herpes can be spread through skin/skin contact. Have you considered oral sex too?

I would be less concerned about the number of unprotected partners, and the number in total he’s been with. You’re arguing over semantics here (is a condom breaking considered unprotected sex?). Be more concerned with the number of partners; and the lifestyles of his partners. If he’s been with intravenous drug users, that’s something to be seriously concerned about. 

Get tested for Save-The-Date Cards. Wait a minimum of 6 weeks and get tested again. Some Save-The-Date Cards take time to show up. Even after testing, if you have any fear he may be cheating, continue using condoms. I had a friend who was married who kept getting all sorts of weird vaginal infections. It turned out her husband was having an affair with s woman at work, and kept getting treated for the infection, but then her husband would bring it home again. 

Post # 21
6438 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If you are concerned about Save-The-Date Cards, you never should have slept with him (especially unprotected!) without a test FIRST. Testing at this point is a little late if you were concerned about being infected. 

But his past is his PAST. Leave it be. Worry about the here and now, get tested and MOVE ON.

Post # 22
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

The time to have this conversation / get tested would be before you had unprotected sex with him. Did you just develop this phobia??

Post # 23
913 posts
Busy bee

Your anxiety, IMO, is more than is reasonable. If you both clear STI testing, great! You then need to decide whether you trust your partner. I suggest relaxing about this if you do otherwise trust him. I also suggest seeking professional help for this phobia if it’s gotten to the point where it is disrupting your relationship.

Post # 24
574 posts
Busy bee

Why would you want to know his sexual history? You can’t change it. 

If he’s clean from all the Save-The-Date Cards I wouldn’t worry about it. Hopefully it just makes him better in bed! 

Post # 25
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

No you should not “ask him about this”.  

Even if one or both of your results are positive for STIs, the time for asking about it has passed. By that I mean talking about it isn’t going to change the results.

Post # 26
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

pinkarmadillo :  So what’s your real question: does he have Save-The-Date Cards, or how many people has be ridden bareback? You’re pretending it’s A, but if that were the case, all you had to do was go get tested. The fact that you didn’t do that and are obsessing over the number indicates that it’s really B that you care about. Why? What good do you see coming from knowing this and having those pictures in your mind?

Post # 27
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

That’s a lot of condoms breaking. Is he even putting on condoms properly? They shouldn’t be breaking so often if he knows how to put them in right. O__o

Post # 29
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I agree with PP that this seems more than just a fear of STD. Is your concern the STD, or that he’s not being consistent/honest on details? Or do you want to know every detail of his past?

I actually think, if you’re planning to marry someone, you should be able to ask as much about their past as you want. (I really don’t understand the idea of marrying someone and combining your lives and finances and security and emotions and goals and planning on a future – but for some reason their sexual past should be off limits…?) However, I just personally don’t think it’s a great idea. If someone is in the past, it’s better to leave them there. If someone they have a past with is still present in their lives, then yes – it’s only fair to make sure you at least know of the history in general. 

But from your question – it sounds more like the inconsistencies and attempt to not be open with you is a major part of what’s bugging you. And I would definitely say that if you feel your fiancé is okay with being intentionally dishonest even if it’s just because he knows you won’t like the truth — that is something to be very wary about. 

Post # 30
1184 posts
Bumble bee

It doesn’t sound like STIs are the real issue here. Otherwise you’d have got tested much sooner & before having unprotected sex with him.

Sounds to me like you want every detail of who he’s slept with especially without protection. I’m not sure why you’d want to know every detail of his past but you seem to and also seem to be very concerned about whether he’s technically lied. I may be wrong bee but what I get from your post is trust issues.

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