Worried fiance is lying to me about his past

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
4466 posts
Honey bee

So you either don’t understand how Save-The-Date Cards work or you’re using it as an excuse to slut- shame your partner and/or are insecure about the relationship.

It doesn’t matter if you have unprotected sex with 1 person or 20 people if you take appropriate precuations.  I.e. you get tested before engaging in a sexual relationship, you’re monogamous, etc.  Someone with an STD phobia thus clearly knows to test at least two times before unprotected sex and use appropriate precaution in the meantime,  right?  So if he tests free and clear now and the two of you are monogamous, how many times a condom broke or how many times he purchased plan b before that is irrelevant.

So what is your real issue here then?  You just don’t feel special enough knowing you’re not the only unprotected partner in his history?  You don’t like how sexually active he was in his past? You just don’t trust him for other reasons and decided this was the thing to hang your hat on to justify your mistrust? 

Everyone has a past.  Does he have an STD? does he have children?  Does he have some past trauma affecting his ability to engage in a sexual relationship now?  Those are the things you need to know.  The intimate details of whether a condom broke or they miscalculated and needed plan b?  Not necessary, but if you decide to share those details in a relationship then it’s really unfair to hold it against the other person. If you can’t handle those details, then it’s best to not ask questions you don’t really want the answer to in the first place.  Before you ask these questions, ask yourself a) is this must need to know dealbreaker information?  And b) is this information I would want my past relationships sharing to their new partners (or if this guy is your first, if you broke up and he shared with his new partner)?  Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean there aren’t some things that shouldn’t remain respected and private within that relationship.

So,  what is your real issue? 

Post # 32
275 posts
Helper bee

My fiance and I got tested for Save-The-Date Cards when we first got serious and discussed ditching the condoms, and that’s that.

Post # 33
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I guess I’m not understanding what someone’s number of unprotected partners has to do with Save-The-Date Cards… all it takes is one partner, and condoms do not protect against things like herpes and HPV. 

Post # 34
3839 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’d let it go, there really isn’t anything more to be gained from knowing about his every sexual encounter. Maybe he’s embarrased. Although it’s a little worrying that he seems to be incapable of using condoms effectively :/

Post # 35
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Wait, wait, wait…you have a ‘kind of phobia’ about STD’s but you’ve been having unprotected sex with him since the beginning of your relationship? 

And all these months later you still haven’t insisted on both being tested but have continued to have unprotected sex? 

Sorry but the responsibility to get tested and have protected sex falls on you as well especially with your ‘phobia’ of STD’s. 

Sounds like you want information on his sexual history and are using this as an excuse to get it out of him. Also, it only take one partner with an STD to pass it along so needing to know all of them prior to getting tested (which you still won’t do for some reason) sounds like a load of rubbish. 

Post # 36
198 posts
Blushing bee

I have to echo the other Bees, and ask, is this really about STDs? It seems to me, if you’re so concerned about them, you’d have asked him to go and get tested together before having unprotected sex with him. If you have and he’s said no, that’s an entirely different issue, but honestly, it seems to me that you’re very focused on his previous sex life.

You’ve said you’ve asked him repeatedly, and he’s told you four, every time. Why is that not enough? Trust issues, slut shaming, something else? A relationship should be built in trust, and the number of sexual partners one has had doesn’t tell anything about what kind of person they are.

I mean, personally, I don’t see a problem in wanting to know a partners sexual history. But there’s a line where it’s too much, and you’ve crossed it. He shared a good deal of his history with you, and he is under no obligation to share more if it doesn’t personally affect you, engaged or not.

As for the miscarriage: a broken condom does not count as unprotected sex. They were protecting themselves, it just failed. I don’t think a miscarriage is something he’d forget, but maybe he just wasn’t prepared to share it with you. Considering your post, I don’t blame him. 

I really think you need to look inside, and figure out what this is truly about. And then you need to be open with him, about what ever is going on. 

Post # 37
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Both of y’all get tested and call it a day! No need to know the nitty gritty if he has had unprotected/protected sex, if the condom broke, etc.

Post # 38
8266 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think OP is either seriously having  us on, or she ( and he? ) seems only to want to talk endlessly about this stuff  and not actually do anything . Apparently she is now engaged to  the boyfriend of 5 months ago, when she first  started this talk fest . Seems to  have made no difference .

Post # 39
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

OP: go back to your original thread from 8 months ago. If you want advice then ask for it in an online forum, if you don’t actually want advice then just start a diary.

It sounds like you are getting tested now, but if you are still obsessing about this 8 months later then you either need to figure out a way to get over it or move on.


Post # 40
4670 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Wait for the STD results and then take care of anything should some issues come up.  Get your clean bills of health first before analyzing his past sexcapades. Then move on and focus on your relationship. It’s a bad sign that you’re so hung up on this.  STD test and therapist are needed.

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