- 7 years ago
Hi Everyone! Sorry this is such a long post, but the situation has been building for almost 8 years now, and I don’t think I can say or do anything for my friend, but I’d like to hear other people’s opinions. I am worried I am unfairly biased.
I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend since their freshman year of college (7.5 years now) and they have just recently become engaged. I am really worried for her that he is not serious about marrying her, or if he does marry her, that they will not be happy together. Here’s the situation. She has been wanting them to move in together since year 2 of the relationship, (they still do not live together) and he kept saying that they were too young, would probably break up, etc… He has expressed concern over and over about the fact that she’s his first gf, and he wanted to be young and date around. There was an incident where another girl who was trying to seduce him ended up sleeping over at his place (he lived alone) after a party, but he swore nothing happened and it was a mistake. My friend (we’ll call her C, her fiance P) did not break up with him, but it took her a full two years to get over the incident. They graduated and he got a job near her hometown and moved back to the area, but got his own place by himself (no roommates) while she moved back in with her parents. He is very well-off between his family being wealthy and having a good job, and she is struggling through a second degree and a full-time job that she hates, living at home to save up money, etc… It’s not that I think he should be supporting her, but for three years this was going on and he never offered to let her move in with him.
Somewhere along the line she decided (I mean really, consciously chose) that he was “The One” because she wanted him to be the one so badly. She would complain about the relationship to me and talk about how badly he treated her (no physical or verbal abuse, but he is very emotionally withdrawn and generally selfish), but then say that no relationship is perfect, and she’d rather stay with him since she loves him so much, instead of breaking up with him to get into another imperfect relationship with a new person. She does not believe me that she could easily find a partner who is better suited to her. He is so selfish that if we aren’t doing what he wants to do, he will pout, get quiet, sometimes just flat-out walk out of a shop, restaurant, etc… and not tell her where he is going. He let her walk me out of a club by herself so he could stay in there alone, knowing she would walk back by herself. C will often tell me she wishes P were more like my boyfriend, since he does really basic nice things, like go shopping with me or see movies I want to see even if he doesn’t want to. P isn’t a bad guy, he’s just very immature and very selfish. My boyfriend “babysits” P (my boyfriend’s phrasing, not mine!) so that C and I can get alone time together once in awhile.
C has been ready to be engaged for years. She told me two years ago that she had told P that she was ready to be engaged. After years of badgering him about looking at places and after him failing to meet each deadline, she finally decided she’d just rather skip ahead to the engagement. Her mother was ill and he claims he put off proposing because of that (despite at one point in time telling her she talked too much about her mother’s illness). A few months ago, he proposed to her near her hometown, and while he did make sure that it was a “special” day, it wasn’t really personal. He told her that he wasn’t proposing because he wanted to marry her right now- they were still way too young, at 25 and 26 years old- but rather he did it to demonstrate that he was comitted to her. He wanted a 3 year engagement, she talked him down to 2. She was embarrassed to tell people she was engaged and wasn’t excited about showing off her ring, and insists on still calling him her boyfriend. He refuses to wedding plan, and only in the last few weeks has allowed her to move into his studio apartment. He still won’t look at a place of their own together, even though that has been the plan for going on 2 years now. He refuses to live anywhere convenient to her workplace, because then he’d have to commute more than ten minutes, so now she has to commute a long way to work. He has never had roommates because he can’t compromise. He tried and he moved out after two weeks. I don’t think it will be any better when C moves into his place.
So where are they now? Almost moved into his place, he refuses to do any wedding planning, so she gave up on it. She did buy her dress; we went while she and her fiance were visiting. He barely acknowledged that she’d found her dream gown. On top of this, he is not a citizen and she wants them to get married at town hall or in Vegas so he can start working on his citizenship so that he can quit the job he hates, since they are going to get married “for realsies” later anyway. He refuses, which she thinks is because he wants them to get married “the right way” in 2-3 years, and only do it that one time. I call bullshit.
I knew the moment she got engaged that I had to stop questioning his commitment to her and just be supportive. That being said, sometimes I feel like they’re going to be miserable if he does make it to the altar. He wants to live in the city; she wants to live in the country. She loves animals; he’s allergic. She wants to adopt; he wants her to give birth to his children. They haven’t even talked about a lot of important “future” things, and the things they disagree on she figures they’ll iron out later. He’s not even sure he wants to stay in the country indefinitely, and she has said she never even wants to move out of state or away from her family!
What do you guys think? Is he going to marry her and make her happy? Break down and marry her because it is the first relationship for both of them and they don’t know how to break up? Or do you think he’ll wait to the last minute and leave her hanging? If you were in my shoes, what would you do? I’ve known her since we were little kids, and we’re like family. I know her siblings have had misgivings about the relationship, but she doesn’t talk to them about it as much as she talks to me about it; I feel like I might be the only person close enough to see all of these things coming together to form a major warning. Do you think I’m being overprotective, and that it will work out? I know it’s not really any of my business, and I keep trying to remind myself that she’s happy they are engaged, but I still worry about her a lot…