(Closed) Worried I'm dating an alcoholic

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 2
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee

I would have a serious conversation to him about it. The fact that he hides alcohol in his golf bag is definitely a good sign that he may be an alcoholic.

I am engaged to an alcoholic  (4-6 beers every night), it is a huge roller-coaster being with someone who relies on substances. Being that you’ve been with him for 6 months, while it’ll still be hard with the feelings you’ve built for him, it is a lot easier then trying to end it down the road.

Sounds like you may also have some other things you need to communicate with him as well, such as the time he puts aside for you.

Post # 3
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

He may or may not be an alcoholic, but he does sound like a jerk. Why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want to celebrate your life’s accomplishments with you? 

Post # 4
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

He does not sound like an alcohol addict, resources on the signs of alcohol dependance are easy to google. He sounds like someone that occasionally drinks too much, which many people that age do. He is making bad choices. If it bothers you then move on. It is better to find someone of your morals than try to change someone. Trying to change someone rarely, if ever works.

Post # 5
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wait…. HE DROVE HOME DRUNK??

That would be an instant deal breaker for me.

I’m Christian and I’m realistic enough to know that some Christians sometimes get drunk. But if they get a little drunk and hurt no one – not what I’d do, but no big deal. But drunk driving – that makes him an inconsiderate a-hole.

EDIT: The graduation thing doesn’t really bother me though. He had 3 vacation days left. He spent 1 with you and 2 with his buddies. I think that’s a pretty good balance when you’re only a few months into dating.

Post # 6
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Rum in his golf bag?  Actually I sighed at mention of “country club”.  This lifestyle has its own rules and people within it are known for riske behavior.   I’m not just prejudiced against country clubbers or money but really there’s a cultute here.  I worked as a live-in nanny around families like this and went to ivy league university with people from families like this.  Some were very upstanding but rowdy behavior was rampant with most.  And infidelity?   Don’t get me started!  So much infidelity!

So… rum in his golf bag.  Yep.  Be glad that’s all you found.  Past marijuana and coke use in college would not surprise me.   Trouble with this guy treating you badly, embarrassing you and chrating on you–would not surprise me.

Oh, bees, if you’re offended on behalf of frat boys intl, save it.  I’m not arguing with anyone so don’t call me out.  Post your own opinions and be free!  We all have our own two cents here.

Post # 7
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t think he’s necessarily an alcoholic, but he sounds like a first class jerkwad.  He doesn’t want to come to your graduation because he would rather golf with friends the next week.  Okaaaaay.  That in and of itself should show you that you are not a priority in his life.  Break this off…you will find a better guy out there!!

Post # 8
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

ljm308:  agreeed!!!!!!

Post # 9
Member
333 posts
Helper bee

Honestly…he sounds pretty normal to me (not good but normal). I didn’t grow up religious so I’m sure standards are very different but getting drunk on a night out occasionally is normal to me and my circle…the rum in the golf bag is a little strange but I guess it depends on how often he does it. Also with the graduation thing…I get it…you wanted him to be there but he does have a point and if he only gets 3 days off then I don’t blame him for wanting to do something more with it…especially if you had barely been dating 4 months at the time.  He definitely does not sound like a good guy and he surely won’t make you happy.

If these things bother you that much then move on, it’s doubtful he’s gonna change and it’s just going to eat away at you throughout your relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I took the rum in the golf bag as that he wants a little nip between holes. Many golf courses have beverage girls who bring drinks to golfers, maybe this one does not so he keeps it in his bag for convenience?

Post # 11
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

He could well be an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t necessarily drink every day and they can drink socially but not stop when they should, so there isn’t an easy answer.

there is an easy answer re whether or not he has lied to you to cover up this behavior. He has. And whether or not he’s selfish. He is. 

Move on and find a man instead of a spoiled baby man who drives drunk. There is no excuse for that.

Post # 12
Member
6604 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yep, driving home drunk would be enough for me to say goodbye.  That is a terrible life choice that could have impacted people in a way he’s clearly never dreamed of.  Alcoholic or occasional heavy drinker, it’s a deal-breaker right there.

I don’t care about the graduation thing, to be honest – there were many good reasons there.  If he’d dated you a couple of years, sure, I guess, but we’re talking half a year.  It’s great you graduated but I wouldn’t go watch if I were your boyfriend either.  My husband didn’t even invite me to his college graduation many years ago (we’d dated about year by then).  It didn’t occur to me to care or him to ask.  What I mean by this is not that you’re wrong in wanting him, but that different personalities don’t put that much meaning on sitting in a crowd to watch you cross the stage.  He is clearly further on my end of the spectrum there.

That said, he sounds pretty self-absorbed.  Does he do things you want to do?  Hobbies you enjoy and not just the game every weekend?  I guess I’m asking this because a lot of what you said had nothing at all to do with potential alcoholism and makes me think there’s a lot more bugging you than just that.

Either way though, I would never stay with a guy who would take other innocent and unsuspecting lives into his hands for some liquor.

Post # 13
Member
5224 posts
Bee Keeper

theblondebee:  He sounds very self centered.  Even without the alcohol issue, do you really want to invest anymore time into this guy? 

Post # 14
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

theblondebee:  

I think it’s concerning that he feels the need to lie to both you and your mom about his drinking and it’s VERY concerning that he would drive drunk.

I don’t know if I’d be ready to say he’s an alcoholic, but I don’t think you guys are necessarily compatible.  It sounds like you are looking for something serious and he’s not.  I’d follow your gut and move on.  

Post # 15
Member
3417 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

He’s certainly not the one, so I think you should end it. From everything you said, it’s almost like you’re looking for reasons to end it (which are totally justifiable). You have different hobbies, there’s an age difference, social class difference, he didn’t show up to your graduation, and he drinks a lot. He doesnt sound like an alcoholic. But it clearly makes you uncomfortable, which is reason enough to break up. And the drunk driving?!! That shows a major lack of maturity and respect for himsef, loved ones, and every other innocent person who was on the road that night. 

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