(Closed) Worried I'm dating an alcoholic

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 16
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

What are reasons that you would want to stay with him?  What makes him more special than someone else?  Do you think you deserve to be treated better?

Post # 17
Member
12236 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Six months into a relationship and he’s not falling all over himself to be with you and treating you like gold? I’d run for the hills even without the drinking. It  meant something to you for him to be at your graduation. Either he’s not as serious about the relationship as you are or he cares more about himself than your feelings. From the sound of it, it’s consistently been the latter. 

Driving drunk is and should be a deal breaker. His mother doesn’t “think” he has a drinking problem. He does have a drinking problem. 

I agree with your mother. Keep looking. 

Post # 18
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

He’s 30 and still lives with his parents? No go. 

The drunk driving is a big problem. He could kill someone doing that. It’s incredibly stupid and selfish. He’s an adult. He knows the dangers of driving under the influence, but he still got behind the wheel.

The golf and football stuff wouldn’t bother me, just because I think it’s good to have interests and hobbies outside of your work and relationship. It is important to have a healthy balance though.

I don’t necessarily think he is an alcoholic based on what you posted, but I do think he’s immature and selfish and that you can do better.

 

Post # 19
Member
1865 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

i don’t think he’s an alcoholic nor would the graduation bother me because they are boring AF (no offence) and I probably wouldnt have wanted to go either.

that being said, the drink driving is horrific, he could have killed someone! And even if you could get past that I don’t think it sounds like you are compatible. 

Post # 20
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Listen to your inner voice … that is God giving you his wisdom

Post # 21
Member
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Without more details I do not think he is an alcoholic or alcohol dependent, but he certainly is self centred. Immature and seems to have different priorities than you.

I cannot believe he would rather play golf than see his gf graduate.

And then there’s the drink driving… 

I would take a step back at the least, but in all likelihood he is not the one for you. Even your mother agrees… 

Post # 22
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I had a bf who would chose to go do his things and drink and leave me behind.  I’m very glad to be out that relationship. 

It’s obvious that is making you feel uncomfortable.  To some he might not seem to drink to much. But if you feel like it’s to much for you then that’s that. You are at a big growing point of your life just left collage and moving on.  Maybe you have out grown him or realised you have diffrent standards when it comes to alcohol.  And that’s fine. You need to be comfortable with the person your are with. 

Post # 23
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

weddingmaven:  

Six months into a relationship and he’s not falling all over himself to be with you and treating you like gold? I’d run for the hills even without the drinking.

Really?! Some people take it slow or just aren’t like this.

OP, only you can answer this. Sounds like a fairly standard young guy who drinks regularly but occassionally goes a bit overboard. The hidden alcohol just sounds like trying to avoid his parents who disapprove. Drunk driving is a very bad decision though.

I can see his reasoning on your graduation although it must hurt. does he see the relationship as seriously as you do? 6 months isn’t really that long so maybe you need to clarify where you are. he did get a present and card which suggests he cares but isn’t fully ‘there’ yet. 

Post # 24
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

He sounds like he’s just not that into you. Also, driving drunk is never okay, but nothing else you’ve said makes him sound like an alcoholic. 

Post # 25
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I just want to say good on you for not ignoring the red flags. Sometimes we are so much in love (or we blindsided by other factors like not wanting to be lonely, etc). that we ignore blatant red flags. Only you can decide what to do here but good on you for not ignoring this. As the children of an alcoholic I can tell you is no fun to grow up in a family where one of your parents has a drinking problem. It can certainely break someone’s life, future, or at the very least make life very painful and difficult. 

Post # 26
Hostess
8760 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Only 6 months in and a load of red flags – I would be running as fast as I could. You deserve better.

Post # 27
Member
3199 posts
Sugar bee

I would walk. You have different values and personalities that just aren’t compatible. He wants to build a significant other into his life without any changes, and you’ve accommodated him so far. I understand that he didn’t want to go to the graduation, I think that is reasonable. But always scheduling your time together around what he thinks is important (golf, sports) does not sound like a balanced relationship. There are a freaking TON of games, and adding that to a once a week golf outing, and you have very little time for what you want to do and enjoy. I’d leave just because I would feel undervalued and not prioritized (which you feel as well). He isn’t going to change this behavior either. Some things people will change, but it sounds like he’s had these habits for the last decade or more, that is telling. Keep looking for someone who thinks that a great time is doing the things you want to do (with a few personal hobbies here and there for balance) and you’ll be much happier. 

Post # 28
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

The driving home drunk would have done it for me  .  Personally there is no excuse for that. He could end up killing someone. I would leave him. you deserve a guy that wants to spend time with you. He should of came to your graduation. Not made an excuse. 

Post # 29
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think that somewhere in the 1970’s, drinking a lot socially became almost the norm. It also seems that grownups without children often continue partying at older ages. Whether this is good or bad depends on whether a person is predisposed to alcoholism and what effect if any the drinking has on the person and those around him. 

As for the driving home drunk that time, it would be a deal breaker if it continues. I’ve talked to a lot of otherwise great guys who seem to feel they can still drive safely while DUI so your SO’s incident was more one of terrible judgement and naive attitude/immaturity than necessarily a selfish heart. However it IS a horribly selfish action to drive drunk because every study I’ve read shows the reaction times slowed when driving drunk and he needs to be able to drive defensively. His own and other peoples lives could be ruined by his good time partying. I would ask him what his plan is next time — aren’t there taxis or Lyft? And Bee I beg you to never ever ride with him if he’s drinking. It only takes one time to end up seriously disabled or dead.

i doubt he’s alcoholic and the other issues would not bother me. Would he agree to speak to pastor about the DUI incident and about his conflict with his mom about drinking so he can take the DUI seriously and make peace with enjoying alcohol if he isn’t an alcoholic?

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  littlechickie.
Post # 30
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

I probably wouldn’t take one of my 3 remaining vacation days to see the graduation of someone I’ve been dating for 4 months, especially when I’ve been planning on taking a week for Christmas. He did go out to dinner with you later and get you a gift. 

I’d be super bothered by the driving home drunk thing, but idk… that’s the only thing in your post that I find alarming. A boyfriend of 6 months isn’t worth this stress though.

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