(Closed) Worried I'm dating an alcoholic

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 31
Member
386 posts
Helper bee

First of all, I’m assuming this is your first serious relationship. What you have to remember is if you don’t care for drinking, not everybody else has that same mentality.Sporting events, for the most part, are like 50% watching the game, 30% drinking, 10% snacks, and 10% shitting on your friends for rooting for the “wrong” team. That doesn’t bother me. He’s 30 years old. He had a few beers, was hungover and didn’t go to church. To me, this isn’t a big deal. I’ve had two glasses of wine, felt hungover the next day but didn’t think I drank too much. I’m worried about the driving drunk, which as PPs have said is so incredibly dangerous. The rum in the golf bag I’m not worried about. As another PP said, they could have drink girls who bring soft drinks and he might not feel like paying double the price for a little bit of alcohol in them. TBH, I’d probably do the same thing, especially if I’m watching my spending. 

Regarding the vacation days, it’s shitty to say that the ceremony would be boring and that’s why he didn’t want to take the day. My undergrad ceremony was about three hours long, which if he doesn’t know anybody else there is a really long time to make small talk with your family. What he should have said was that he only has one vacation day left, so he would be happy to meet you afterwards to celebrate, so in case something happens he has that extra vacation day as leeway. 

That being said, if being with somebody who doesn’t drink at all or seldom drinks is important to you, then this relationship is probably not for you. If it’s important to you to have somebody that will attend church with you every Sunday/Saturday, and on Holidays, and on Holy Days of Obligation (not sure what demonination you are) and if that isn’t his priority, then you might want to rethink the relationship. 

I’d sit down and talk with him (even though it can be awkward) to explain that you felt hurt by the lying, the drinking, and the lack of going to church. If you find that the situation doesn’t change, then maybe he’s not the one for you. You’re also incredibly young, so if this relationship doesn’t work out, you have plenty of time to date around and find somebody who matches your priorities more. 

Post # 32
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I do think he has a drinking problem. Maybe not a full blown alcoholic, yet. But well on his way. Can’t play golf without a nip of rum. Drinking and Driving (total deal breaker for me!). Yeah, he has a problem.

And as someone who is married to a guy who is a recovering alcoholic, it can be a really painful road, even when they stop drinking. And your guy isn’t even at that point yet. So if it were up to me…run.  

Post # 33
Member
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I dont think he’s an alcoholic, or maybe, who knows, but I do think he’s a spoiled man baby living at home and mooching off the family CC membership which at 30 just ain’t cute. He sounds like a typical WASPy frat jerk….so I’d dump him for those reasons. 

Post # 34
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

theblondebee:  He kind of sounds like a spoiled jerk who does what HE wants when HE wants to. I would have been very upset over the graduation thing (yes, they totally suck but COME ON – we’ve all done it for people). I also would NOT be ok with the drunk driving – sounds lke he thinks hes better than everyone and cant get in trouble. Eh. He’s a jerk. Move on. 

Post # 35
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

theblondebee:  I agree with all the other issues that people brought up, especially in terms of compatibility. However, since your’re asking about drinking alone here’s my experience with my fiancé. He was an extremely heavy drinker when I first started dating him. Not a social drinker but the kind that drank even when he’s by himself. When we meet on the weekends, he’d start the day with a drunk brunch and end the day with whiskey at his own room. He had to drink at least two shots of whiskey every single night just to go to bed. When I asked, he told me that he felt anxious without alcohol…lol which I think makes him an alcoholic back then. 

However, these days he drinks only about two days a week and even then he doesn’t drink to the point where he gets drunk. He promised me that he will work on his alcohol dependency and over the past year and a half he has made such progress. 

if alcohol is the only reason you’re questioning your relationship with him, I’d suggest you figure out what the cause of his drinking is and really try to work on it together instead of giving an ultimatum. For example, the main reason my fiancé relied so heavily on alcohol before dating me was that he didn’t know any other way to deal with stress. He has a high stress job and alcohol was his way of dealing with anxiety and stop thinking about work during his personal time. Although, as many other wise bees have pointed out, I’m wondering if alcohol is really the only reason you’re reconsidering your relationship. Good luck and hope you find the best decision for yourself.

Post # 36
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Magnolia House

In regards to being an alcoholic I would say probably not. Most alcoholics I know have to drink through the day. Future Sister-In-Law has a few beers as soon as she gets up just to be able to get through work. He sounds more like a typical 30 year old frat guy. I work with about 8 of them and he sounds like them to a T. The little thing of rum I am assuming is to have fun on the golf course. Can’t tell you how many of those little liquor bottles I have around my house…. My Fiance has gotten better over the years (7 and counting) about attending things that are important to me (Weddings, funerals, graduations, etc), first few years he didn’t want to go, it was no fun, blah blah blah, then he went and complained the whole time, now he goes and keeps his smart comments to himself. See he learned to grow up! He even went to everyone of my sons football games this year!

Your real problem is that you are unequally yoked. He told he lied about overdoing it the night before because he knew you would be disappointed. So for those reasons alone he probably hides a lot more than you think. You are only 6 months in, go ahead and get out now. As he gets older people calm down and their partying seems to slow down as well (Most people, my Future Sister-In-Law is 40 and still at the club 3 days a week) This is obviously not the type of person you want to be with and you seem to be making a deal out of your socio-economic status as well so I would jump ship if I was you, people don’t change a whole lot.

Post # 37
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Based on the limited picture you’ve presented here it’s hard for me to judge whether he’s an ass or an alcoholic or not, but at the very least it sounds like you two are incompatible and you should look for someone you’re more aligned with.

Post # 38
Member
3065 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

theatrejulia:  +1. If you can’t deal with who he is, leave! Best advice.

 

theblondebee:  Neither of you seem like bad people, just not compatible. He seems very independent and set in his ways, so either get on board or find a new train 🙂 You are so young, plenty of fish in the sea!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 39
Member
4244 posts
Honey bee

Debatable about being an alcoholic but probably not. Possibly an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

DEFINITEJY a self centred jerk. I would dump him for the drinking and driving alone.

Post # 40
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Honestly, as someone who grew up with this issue in my family, I can tell you there is no set formula to determine who is an alchoholic. What I mean is- every person and situation is different and people can suffer from this addiction in a variety of ways.

I think it’s kind of irrelevent for you right now if he is or isn’t an alchoholic. He doesn’t seem willing to change his behavior, which you are clearly uncomfortable with. Does how you label the behavior make any difference in whether or not you’re willing to live with it? 

Post # 41
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

The graduation thing would bother me.  A lot.  It was important to you that he be there for this big event in your life, and he wouldn’t even consider it.

The drinking doesn’t really sound like a huge issue to me (except for the driving part, obviously!).  What I think is the huge issue is that he still lives at home at age 30.  He has a good job, etc., and chooses to live at home?  I think he’s just hiding his drinking from mommy because she doesn’t approve.  

Post # 42
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Alcoholic or not.. Anyone who drives drunk is a fucking idiot. I would dump someone on those grounds alone.

With that being said, his personality sounds pretty unbearable. You’re only 6 months in and already questioning him.. Cut your loses and walk away.

Post # 43
Member
2019 posts
Buzzing bee

Just a question, because maybe I missed this….he admitted to driving drunk? Or you are assuming he drove drunk, because he was hungover the next day?

Last Friday, my girlfriends and I all got together. We had cocktails & dinner together and hung out for a few hours. I felt hungover the next day. But I was not at all drunk when I drove home. 

More than anything, to me it sounds like you and your boyfriend have really different views and may possibly be looking for different committment levels in this relationship. I would break up for those reasons. 

Post # 44
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Girl…move on. I dated a guy once that always had to have 3-4 beers a night after work to “wind down”…well if you need that all of the time, then there’s a problem. He didn’t see a problem with it. So glad that I did because I eventaully heard from someone else about how much of a drunk he is! It sounds like it makes you really uncomfortable, and you don’t deserve that in your life!!

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