(Closed) Worried I'm dating an alcoholic

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 62
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

theblondebee:  I’m shocked to hear you say that he “abuses alcohol.” Nothing you’ve described here except possibly the drunk driving, constitutes alcohol abuse. If the guy drove drunk that’s certainly alcohol abuse, but given how judgemental you seen about totally normal drinking habits, I have serious doubts about whether any drunk driving actually took place. 

– His parents are super religious and would be upset if they knew their 30 year old son was drinking at home, so he hides the alcohol in his golf bag. If my parents were super religious and didn’t like me having a drink, and I had to live at home for financial reasons, I would hide my alcohol too! 

– He likes to drink while watching and playing sports. Again, TOTALLY normal behavior.

– He ocassionally gets very mildly hung over (not even so hung over that he missed church!). It’s totally normal for adults to sometimes be hungover. In fact, the older I’ve gotten, the less I have to drink to feel hungover. A couple of beers will leave me feeling like shit the next day. Does that make me an alcoholic – absolutely not. 

– The graduation thing doesn’t bother me, and you said it doesn’t really bother you either. He was up front with you about not wanting to go to the graduation, months in advance. I really don’t see a problem here.

This is all just totally crazy to me, honetly. What I do agree on is that you should leave this guy, and I’m glad to see that this is what you have planned. You obviously have very strict morals, and you need to be with someone who lives by the same moral code. As does he.

Post # 64
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

theblondebee:  You say that social drinking doesn’t bother you, but you sound judgemental when you say that “he did have hangovers multiple times in college and after he graduated” and “he drank waaaay more than a couple of beers over the course of a football game.” These are normal things. Many, if not MOST, people will have multiple hangovers over the course of four years, and many, many people will drink more than a couple of beers when watching a football game – especially if there’s tailgating followed by the game itself. 

Even when you say “His older brother was staying there for the night and caught him drunk in the house” it sounds judgemental. It implies that if his brother “caught” him doing something wrong – but drinking, yes even being drunk!, isn’t inherently wrong.

“I had planned to spend all of Sunday afternoon with him and did spend the time with him. However, he felt irritable and nauseated, and did not feel like doing anything. I guess it hit me that day; why would I want to spend time with him when he does this to himself?” <– These are your morals, and there’s nothing wrong with them. But being irritable and nauseated are simply signs of a hangover. Your boyfriend got drunk and had a hangover – there’s nothing wrong with that, and it doesn’t make him an alcoholic.

You can choose (and have chosen) not to be with him because you don’t want to be with someone who drinks and occassionally has hangovers. I just object to the idea that somehow the very act of drinking or having a hangover is somehow inherently “wrong.”

As for the drunk driving:

If he truly drove drunk, then that’s absolutely a problem, but your original post didn’t indicate that he drank way too much, did shots, was completely drunk, and then drove home. You said: “Last weekend, he got drunk when he was watching a football game at a friend’s house. He ended up driving home drunk and felt terrible the next day because he overdid it.”

The reason I doubted whether he actually drove drunk, is that you seem to have a really skewed idea of what “being drunk” or “being hungover” looks like. You seem to be turned off by pretty normal behavior regarding alcohol, so it’s not too much of a stretch to think you might consider him to be “driving drunk” if he had a beer at 6pm and drove home at 11pm. If that’s not what happened, and he truly did get completely wasted and drive drunk – I agree, that’s a problem. It makes him an idiot, a douchbag, and a danger to society. 

In that case, you’ve already decided to leave him, and I agree that it’s a good idea. You two are not compatible. 

I’m not trying to start a fight with you about this. You’ve decided to leave him, and I actually think that’s great. I just think that next time you get into a relationship, you need to be really up front with the guy about what your expectations are. You should expect that most 30 year old men will drink (yes, even to the point of being drunk) with their buddies, and will then have hangovers. If this isn’t something you’re cool with – fine! You do you! There’s nothing wrong with that! But you should tell them that up front, rather than dating them and then being disappointed when they don’t live up to your standards regarding alcohol consumption.

 

Post # 65
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

I think he’s probably an alcoholic. The signs are there: drinking to the point of being ill the next day, hiding alcohol, carrying alcohol about, lying about how much he’s had to drink, driving while intoxicated, promising not to drink anymore, etc. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  alamana.
Post # 67
Member
766 posts
Busy bee

theblondebee:  I haven’t read all the comments, but I have a couple of thoughts:

The drinking: the question here isn’t whether he meets the definition of an alcoholic.  The question is, does he drink at a level YOU are comfortable with?  Even if that level is zero, you are within your rights to date a person whose drinking level you’re comfortable with.  Of course, this kind of thing changes over time, but by 30 most people are out of their college-level drinking and leveled out to their normal grown adult level of drinking.  So if YOU are not comfortable with his drinking, no matter what anyone else thinks, personally I would get out.  This is not something that gets better, in my experience.

The graduation: this is a biggie, in my mind.  My ex did the same thing with the same excuse.  At the time, I was like fine, whatever – but when we broke up later and my mind was clear, it was like, WTF?  Not bothering to show up for your big life events, no matter how “boring”, is not OK.  And if he’s doing this in a new relationship, I can absolutely assure you that this too will only get worse.

Post # 68
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

theblondebee:  I’m going to share with you my background with my husband. We’ve been together over 6 years. When we first started dating, he very rarely drank and if he did it was ONE drink. We both met before we were 21 so it wasn’t legal yet. When he turned 21 things started to change a bit. He drank because he could and he regularly overdid it. I had no clue because I was away at school. He DID get a DUI and life was pretty rough for him at that point. I did stay with him through it because he had been together for quite a bit of time already at this point and I felt invested in our relationship. We’ve had an incredibly rocky road and he is in fact an alcoholic. I used to have to figure out ways to get him to stop drinking and just go to sleep and it was difficult but I decided to be with this man. I’ve had my breaking points and there have been nights where I left him at our home locked in basically and stayed elsewhere. I am happy to say he is in recovery and hasn’t touched alcohol in almost a year. Is it still scary? Yes. If you haven’t been together that long and this is a large concern of yours, then decide if you can handle this and either stay or go. 

 

Post # 69
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

theblondebee:  Nothing you’ve said would make ME uncomfortable with his drinking (sometimes grown men have more than one beer – even up to 12:30 night – sometimes they get drunk, sometimes they have hangovers, etc.), but I’m not the one dating him. If it makes YOU uncomfortable, then you should leave and find someone you’re more compatible with (and it sounds like you’ve decided to do this).

In the end both of your lives will be more pleasant if you’re with someone who shares your values, beliefs, and moral code (including your feelings towards alcohol).

Post # 70
Member
565 posts
Busy bee

I sent you a message.

I think his reaction to you breaking up with him will be tailored by how he views the relationship. Breakups can bring out the worst in people. I would definitely expect him to talk you out of breaking up. I will also add that some of the worst breakups I’ve seen have been in the church setting. I’ve seen many people change Sunday School classes and even churches over a bad breakup. Knew of one guy at church who almost had the cops called on him at church because his ex girlfriend wouldn’t talk to him at a young adults picnic. Another guy would get physically sick at church from seeing his ex and her new boyfriend sitting together at church. I’m also a member of a large church with an active young adults group. 

I don’t feel like anyone here can say whether he’s an alcoholic or not. Lying about alcohol consumption is common among alcoholics. I had a cousin who was an alcoholic and he would claim to not drink at all. He would talk about all of his friends who drank all the time and how worthless they were. He then claimed that he drank maybe once a year on New Years but that was it. Turns out he was an alcoholic and it got to where he couldn’t hold down a job. He ended up with multiple DUI’s and spent time in jail. 

Post # 71
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Soon2bmrs1:  I generally agree with your point of view.

OP, I personally don’t believe you have posted any “proof” of alcoholism, just a guy who likes to drinks, sometimes a lot, in pretty “normal” drinking contexts.  I too drink more than you’d be comfortable with at football games, and sometimes parties, but that’s my choice, and I know I’m not an alcoholic (I’m not in denial either – lol).  

I also think that people who have lived with and/or dated alcoholics are often overly sensitive to others’ drinking, and they are often quick to accuse someone of drinking too much / being an alcoholic even if the “empirical” evidence indicates otherwise.  I once dated someone whose mother was an alcoholic, and there were times that lied about / hid drinking from my ex because I was tired of being judged.  Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last long.

Having said all that, I also agree that it is best for you to break up with him, because the two of you clearly are not compatible.  You need to find someone who rarely drinks, and he needs to find someone who is more comfortable with it.  

Good luck with the break up.  It’s never easy to do, but I’ve found that I’m usually relieved once it’s over.

Post # 72
Member
2950 posts
Sugar bee

He has a problem with his alcohol.

You have a problem with his alcohol.

Whether or not he is an alcoholic is debatable but he is certainly on the road to having a drink problem simply because he is drinking heavily.  

If his drinking causes him to lie to you then he has a drink problem.

If he drinks secretly then he has a drink problem.

If his drinking causes him to disrespect you then he has a drink problem.

If he cares more about drink than paying attention to you then he has a drink problem.

If he repeated drives drunk then he has a drink problem.

If he cannot socialise without alcohol then he has a drink problem.

If he cannot stop mid drink and leave half a glass of beer, wine (or whatever) unfinished then not only has he a drink problem but he has a condition called alcohol dependence.  This is one step away from being an alcoholic and is a good test of whether this is a very serious problem.

Of course we also have to consider the effect that large amounts of alcohol have on the liver, heart and circulation, not to mention the increased risk of several cancers.  You are supposed to be his gilfriend and not his nurse or his minder, (and certainly not, I would suggest if you any sense – which I am sure you have -, his wife or widow).

Of course in a way this is all academic because, as your mom says, his lack of interest in your graduation says it all.  He does not care enough about you to attend and he’s a selfish and dishonest dud.

Just dump him. 

 

Post # 73
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

Other than the drunk driving thing, which is NEVER ok, I actually didn’t think he sounded that bad, but PPs are really hating on him.

It really can’t be told from your post if he is an alcoholoic or not: for what it’s worth I got drunk watching football a couple weeks ago (on a weeknight, gasp!) and frequently sneak my own booze onto the golf course, but outside of these things very rarely drink. So it may be the case that he enjoys having drinks while watching sports or a nip while playing golf, those alone certainly don’t seem problematic to me. Look more at his daily activities; is he drinking every night, does he over-consume frequently, is alcohol essential to him, or is he just enjoying with friends in more isolated situations. 

And as for graduation, I though you made out pretty well; he missed the ceremony but spent the evening with you, bringing a gift etc. and then used that day off to spend with you at a time where you could actually be together. For only being in a relationship a few months I really don’t think it was integral that he be there, it’s not as though he was someone who supported you through the whole process anyways.

Even if we give him the benefit of every doubt and assume that he isn’t at all alcohol dependant and only occasionally imbibes with his golf bros, it sounds like even that is too frequently for you. This may be a question of compatability. If you feel that his conduct does not mesh well with your own values then it may be best to move on and find someone whos’ values more closely allign with your own.

Good luck!

 

Post # 75
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Lol for days that finishing drinks means someone has a drinking problem. 

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