Worried I'm going to be a 10 year girlfriend.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

Is deciding to move in together after 2.5 years really that slow thoug? If you already have a bad feeling that you won’t agree on the timeline, is there a point in this relationship? How much wiggle room is there in your timeline? Could you have a proper discussion and if he doesn’t agree to it or gives vague answers then you know it’s not gonna happen?

Post # 32
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

I’m not going to probe into whether you really want to marry a procrastinator. I know that life, so I’m assuming you do really want to marry this guy in particular and have your reasons for wanting him.

If you want to get married when you’re 33 and not later, then tell him now that you expect the relationship to progress to engagement within the next year. As in by the end of 2020. Be specific.

“Now that we have taken the step of living together, I expect the relationship to progress to engagement within the year, by the end of 2020.”

You don’t need to phrase it as an ultimatum; you’re just making your expectations clear. If he moves the discussion into premptive excuses regarding the ring etc., just make sure to reiterate that you expectation remains.

You then need to spend the next year preparing yourself to walk away in a year. You need to have a new apartment lined up for yourself, or else you need to be willing to kick him out. You need to do it for yourself. Unfortunately that’s the reality with a guy like this. You have to be prepared for 2020 to come and go with excuses.

You have to be prepared to say no to those excuses and walk away. It has to be you to be the active one because he will always be passive. That’s the only way to guarantee you aren’t waiting until you’re 35, 36, whatever. You have to be prepared for him not to propose, even if it takes away from the proposal, if he actually follows through on it within the year. That’s the reality with a guy like this. If you resist that reality, then that’s how you end up the “10 year girlfriend.”

Post # 33
Hostess
5038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2016

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Marie2 :  Literally, where are your friends? did none of your girlfriends tell you this is not a good move if you want marriage and your man is not marriage minded? I’m actually curious I’m not trying to be a jerk.

I’ve been the girlfriend who told one of my best friends I thought it was a bad idea to move in with her boyfriend who she had not discussed marriage (short of picture painting) or a timeline with, and she did it anyway.  They’re now over 5 years in and no engagement/marriage in sight – with her resentment building daily.  OP, I hope that you will not be like my friend, she is miserable hoping and dreaming of a proposal that I do not think will ever come. 

I agree completely with PP that I would not let him move in without a serious timeline discussion, and in this case, a set wedding date.  I’m a poster who married her D.H. after 9 years and still think that letting him move in based on how OP has described is a mistake.  OP, I think it’s actually a blessing that he’s taken so long to agree to move in together.  It will be easier for you to make a decision on your future (and his stalling) without having to worry about evicting him.  I like PP suggestion of asking him to get engaged without a ring, or with a ring in x time that you’re comfortable with, and once you have a wedding date booked, move in together.  That to me is a good way to make sure you’re on the same page.  

Post # 34
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

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stonerbee420 :  The #1 reason for divorce is money issues. I don’t think the dating timeline has much weight on the outcome of the marriage. I know people that got married after a month together and they couldn’t be happier. I know people that waited 10 years and they hate each other and are horribly incompatible. 

Post # 35
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

What are you gaining by moving in with him? Engagement? No. Marriage? No. Just some vague promises for the future. Don’t do it. Keep your options open and consider dating others. I would tell him that you love him but because he won’t commit to marriage you are considering dating others and will not move in with him. See what his reaction is. That will tell you everything. Fertility declines in your 30s for everyone. Don’t waste your best years on him if you want children. 

Post # 36
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee

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stonerbee420 :  the 50% rate isn’t true anymore. Divorce rates are going down – that was a peak of the 70s and 80s.  And the divorce rate always varied by social class. The divorce rate of the college educated never approached 50%, while the divorce rate amongst those without a college education is above 50%  

Post # 37
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

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curiouscat2017 :  Yup. And length of time together is not the only indication of a healthy relationship. I spent 7 years with an ex who was all wrong for me. We were miserable and ultimately split. 

My husband I have known less than 3 years but hes my best friend and 100% the right one for me

Post # 38
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would say that when a man says he doesn’t believe in marriage that you should listen to him. He is now saying he wants it with you because he doesn’t want to lose you and is probably hoping you will be content just living together. 

He moves slowly because he clearly doesn’t have the same goals for your relationship and doesn’t see the need to get moving especially since you are still there. In my experience when someone wants to do something they will move mountains to make it happen. If you have to constantly remind him that you want to be married by x date, then he isn’t on the same page as you. His excuse for saving for a ring is ridiculous. He could propose without one or buy a temporary ring. 

I don’t think this is your MR right. Cut your losses before you end up wasting the next 5 years of your life with someone only to realize he will never give you what you want. While you’re wasting time with this guy hoping he will change his mind, you are unavailable to meet someone who shares the same goals for their future.

 

 

Post # 40
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

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hannahbanana341 :  I mean, I work with a girl who’s been with her partner for the last 12 years and they have three school age kids and they just got married several months ago, so to some people it isn’t a big deal. She seems happy enough about it. If it’s important to you it’s important to the relationship but he’s not insane for thinking that way. 

I know a lot of the bees will come down hard on him and will say he doesn’t want to marry you and won’t ask. But that’s not necessarily the truth.

Post # 42
Member
10997 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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hannahbanana341 :  

Congratulations, Bee!  I am glad you got the outcome you wanted.

One thing I would consider is doing some work on any resentments you may have stockpiled while you were waiting.  It’s normal.  It would be great to work through it now, so you’re not bringing that negativity into your brand new marriage.

Post # 43
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2021

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zzar45 :  That’s some heavy conjecture. How do you know what she is or is not implying unless you’re her? I think you need to take a breath. I don’t think anything she said was rude at all, I think, you are reading too much into this, and looking for a problem to complain about. 

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