(Closed) Worried my family won't support my engagement.

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: If I were your daughter, would you be against an engagement in this situation?
    Yes : (9 votes)
    29 %
    No : (22 votes)
    71 %

    31 votes

    • Post # 1
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    Hi everyone, new here! I’ll try to keep it short 🙂
     

    When I was 18, I went on vacation to Australia and ended up meeting the love of my life. Against the advisement of everyone, we started a long distance relationship. For the past 5 years, we’ve been flying back and forth between the US & Australia, seeing each other about 3-4 times per year, with visits lasting anywhere from 1 week to 2 months at a time. 

    I am now 23 years old and my partner is older (28). He has a stable career and I have recently finished University, although I’ve yet to establish my own career. Anyway, he has been hinting that he wants to propose this year and I am over the moon excited about it, but I am fearful that my family will disapprove for the following reasons:

    1. My age (23 at engagement, and 24/25 at time of wedding)

    2. I never really dated anybody before him

    3. I have not lived on my own yet, and as I said, I am not settled in a career yet.

    4. Because of the distance, my family isn’t as close to him as I would like 

    However, I love this man and I know he is the one I want to be with. Over the past five years, we have tried to cultivate a relationship between him and my family – they are all very warm toward him and like him, but of course because of the distance, they do not know him as well as I would prefer. I get along very well with his family and his mother has been hinting for about 2 years that she thinks we should be married. I am not at all worried about his family’s reaction, just my own sadly!

    The international LDR has caused a lot of heartache, we have both been committed and faithful and we have made it work for 5 years, throughout college and long separations, and I feel we deserve a bit of happiness now. I thought if we get engaged at the end of this year, and schedule a wedding for 2014, then I’d have the next year to settle myself in a job, save up for the wedding, perhaps prove I’m more adult than my family thinks. I realize worrying about their opinion is juvenile, but I am very close with my family and their support means the world to me.

    I guess my questions are…am I crazy for wanting this? And how can I speak about it with my family? I want my engagement to be a happy, exciting time, but I am so worried that I’ll be met with lectures and disappointment. 

    I want us to finally start our life together, that’s all. We’ve spent as much time together as possible thus far, but because of immigration issues, living in the same country before marriage is just not a possibility. 

    I just feel so sad 🙁 

    Post # 3
    Member
    349 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I think perhaps you ought to spend some time living near each other before you decide to get married. Maybe get settled into a job and live on your own for a while before you get engaged, I think that would help people to take you and your relationship a bit more seriously. But to answer your question if my daughter were in your situation I wouldn’t be against an engagement but I do think I would encourage her not to rush. You are still young, there is plenty of time to get engaged and married after you’ve settled into your life.

    Post # 4
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    The problem is though, because we live in 2 different countries, we realistically cannot spend time living together before marriage. We have looked into every route for visas (including employment) and it just isn’t possible in our situation. We have had several trips which lasted for about 2-3 months at a time, but that is the most we can do. We’ve been doing this for about 5 years and have spent as much time together as possible, but living together isn’t an option unfortunately…I wish it was. Immigration laws are quite strict.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1830 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    You are an adult. Nobody has to approve of anything you do except yourself.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3452 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @pharmy:  I agree with this.

    I know you don’t live near one another, but it’s been 5 years.  It’s not like you met 5 weeks ago and you’re going to run off to another country to get married when you barely know him. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    3772 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    If anything, LDR bring up more difficulties than people living together/living near each other their whole relationship. So you may have an advantage.. Some people are just lucky to meet the person they were meant to be with early on in their life.. in your case your first real relationship. I would be worried about your parent’s support.. BUT it is your life and you’re grown up. I wish the best of luck for you!!!!

    Post # 8
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    Thank you for the replies everyone!

    We have definitely tried to have as “normal” a relationship as possible, but I understand it’s not the same as living near someone…about a year ago he began talking about marriage and I said that I didn’t believe we had spent enough time together in person, so I went and lived with him for an entire summer (I know, 3 months isn’t that long!) but it was the most we could do. We talk every day, visit every few months, have spent Christmases/birthdays together…our relationship has also weathered some difficulties (his father died a year and a half into dating) but I believe  we had what it takes to make it work.

    Maybe I’m just tooting my own horn, haha.

    We have talked about the future and he has agreed to give living in the US a try because it would be difficult for me to move to Australia (only child, very tight family)…I’m hoping that will soften the blow.

    I think the biggest concern for everyone is “You’re so young, what’s the rush, etc etc?” and I need to remind them that while I am young, we’ve been together 5 years and we actually can’t be together until some sort of visa is in place. They were all worried I’d run off to Australia, elope and never come back, never finish college, and I didn’t. We put our relationship on hold so I could get my degree. Now I just want to give us a real start!

    Post # 9
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    Ooh the poll is nearly neck and neck! Haha.

    Post # 10
    Member
    778 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think you’re worrying too much. You are an adult now, and you’ve had a successful LDR with this man for five years. It will not come as news to your family that you two are thinking about engagement and marriage. If you show them that you are happy and confident in your own decision instead of anxiously seeking their approval, some of their fears may be laid to rest.

    All parents worry about their children’s happiness and well-being, and that almost inevitably entails some anxiety over their choice of spouse, readiness for marriage, etc. Being the “right” age to get engaged or having a “sufficiently established” career (and don’t these things vary by individual?) might mitigate their worries, but there’s no magical point in time at which they will disappear. And, honestly, people who marry later in life face their own challenges (adjusting to living with someone else after years of independence; a much shorter timeline if they want to have children; finding the right person as more and more of their peers pair off).

    Good luck! I’m sure it will all work out. They may be much happier about this news than you expect.

    Post # 11
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    Thank you, I hope you’re right! I think I worry too much about how other people view me and my decisions. I have this fear of judgment from people I care about and even from strangers. I’m worried people will wonder “What the heck is she thinking?” for getting engaged so young, even if I’m sure he’s the one I want to be with. And being my first boyfriend…I think most people seem to date around, so it’s “weird” to stay with your first to my friends and family. God I don’t know why I care! 

    Post # 12
    Member
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    TOTALLY know where you’re coming from. I’ll be 25 when we marry and we got engaged a few months ago (so I was 23) and my Fiance is also 28 (and my first boyfriend!). I got a lot of negative comments from my family (only the immediate family, though), but FI’s family was super into it. I addressed my parents first through email and then they called me and I talked to them about it. This worked in the sense that I didn’t have to hear them groaning over the phone when they found out, but it also made them mad because they felt condescended to. Just be direct with them, and establish strong boundaries around your relationship. Let your parents know what is hurtful and what isn’t–it will prove to them that you’re mature enough to start seperating your life from theirs.

    Like PPs said, it’s your life. You sound like you really love your SO and that’s what matters–not how old you are or how close together you live. Fiance and I were long distance for the first 1.2 years of our relationship and he is not close to my family either–but I love him and I don’t care if my family disapproves. Your marriage is about you and your SO, not about your parents, you, and your SO.

    Also, I’m impressed that you dated for 5 years with such a distance between you! That must have taken such dedication and planning. And I know what you mean about feeling like everyone is judging you. It’s hard not to care what other people think sometimes. :/

    Post # 13
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    Thank you very much for the kind words 🙂 It certainly was difficult in that LDR so I’m hoping people will appreciate the commitment we made and how dedicated we were to making things work! Congratulations on your engagement lovelyowl, I hope you and your future husband have a long happy life together!

    For those who answered ‘Yes’ to my poll, I’d love to hear reasons – no argument of course but I am curious as to why you would be against engagement for your child, so I can prepare myself for any reactions from my family. Cheers!

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