(Closed) Worried my SO is changing his mind….

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think his mother is making him doubt himself as boys are brought up “that mothers know best”

In this case – she doesn’t. You have been together 2 years and know each other like the back of your hand. I think she just doesn’t want to lose another child, and she lost your SO’s sister to a man she met twice in real life. Maybe she doesn’t want to feel that guilt of not stepping in and saving her son from ruining themselves (your situations are COMPLETELY different by the way)

The fact that SO’s dad approves should be enough to convince him back. Sons listen to their dad’s more than their moms anyway, even if she apparently “knows best” 😉

Good luck and don’t fret – you would have doubts if your mother said you were doing things to fast (and your not!)

Best wishes x

Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think it could hurt to spend a little more one on one time with his Mom to show her that you are serious but it does sound like she just isn’t ready to let him go, and maybe there is no one out there “good enough” for her baby boy.  I know that’s how my Mom is, although she would still give her blessing.  She has told me numerous times that no one will ever be good enough for me.  I think he just needs some reassurance because it’s difficult when your family isn’t backing you 100%. 

Post # 7
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

Why is your Boyfriend or Best Friend letting his mother make this decision for him? I mean, having the support of the parents/family is obviously ideal, but in the end, you are both adults, right? It’s ultimately up to the 2 of you whether you get married, not his mother.

Post # 8
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

As is often the case, mama needs to STFU and back off.  It’s his choice. 

 

Geeeez – these people

Post # 10
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

What you need to do is very delicately and politely confront her about the differences between the two situations.  Maybe “Dear Future Mother-In-Law, I know you are hoping to get to know me and my family better before Fiance & I tie the knot and officially become part of the family.  Can you share with me what sorts of things you know about FSIL’s Fiance that made you feel more comfortable with FSIL’S Fiance and their relationship such that you were able to give your blessing? 

Tempting as it may be, try to stay away from direct confrontation about the discrepanies in treatment (e.g. you’ve met 50 times, they’ve met 5).  (FI can always bring that up but you can’t get away with that, sadly.)

Post # 12
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yeaaa if you’ve been together nearly 2 years and you are at their house all the time, it just sounds like this is a case of mommy/baby boy dynamic. You know, the ‘nothing is good enough for my son’ stuff.

If the actual engagement is not going to happen until early next year, then hopefully over the holidays you will get to spend time with the whole family and she can see you more.

Can I ask how old you both are? What religion are you that she is not happy with? Are you willing to convert or do you both respect your differences and not make it a factor in your relationship?

Post # 14
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Scriptor: Well, God and church kept his parents together, but that doesn’t have to be all that keeps you together. My Fiance is an atheist and we never told my parents b/c they would have the reaction your SO’s parents did. I am more or less agnostic but was raised Catholic. Religion can be a sticky spot. My Fiance and I never allowed religion to put a barrier between us, what we decide is what we decide. We are not getting married in a church, despite what his and my family might think, because I am not forcing him to be a catholic for a wedding – it is not fair to ask him to do something he doesnt believe in. So…I see where you are coming from there.

I think all you can really do is just keep spending time around mom and keep hoping that she eventually lets up. Have you ever gone to church with them before? That might be a nice way to start…but I think the bigger issue is hoping your SO doesn’t start taking what his mom says to heart. At the age of 24 though, I think most guys hear what their parents say but don’t feel obligated to follow it.

Post # 16
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Scriptor: do you like to garden or camp? Maybe you could spend time with Future Mother-In-Law in the garden, and you and your Boyfriend or Best Friend can go on weekend camping trips with them. While I love my family very much, we definitely spend more time with hubs family. We go camping every summer with his family, we spend days on the weekend hanging out at his dad’s house with the family, and we get together with his sister and her family a lot. We also split every holiday so we see both families. I have been a part of his family well before we got married, and I think the fact that I was so willing to just be a true part of the family helped a lot. I have been there since his sister’s kids were born, they have called me Aunt since they were born even though we weren’t even engaged when the first 2 were born, and we are god parents to our youngest nephew, even though we aren’t religious. We also lived with my Father-In-Law for 4 years, the last 6 months we were married.

I think just putting in the effort with your Future Mother-In-Law will go a long way. I understnad her reservations, and she wants to feel like you are a real part of the family, and not going to “take her little boy” away. Do you guys have plans to move away once married? Or stay in the same area? Talk about your future plans with her. And even about your family, if she asks. It may not all be good, but you have to show her that you aren’t like them. Part of my family is really far from perfect, but so are some people in hubs family. So, we just band together, and do what we can to work through it. Together.

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