(Closed) Worried Slightly

posted 7 years ago in Family
  • poll: What should I do about the situation with S?
    Squash the drama- its not worth it-wish her a happy bday : (4 votes)
    36 %
    Its ok to be frustrated-try to keep to yourself for a while and focus on the good : (7 votes)
    64 %
  • Post # 6
    3004 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2010

    Sometimes all you can do is make that phone call. You already have and if she hasn’t or doesn’t reply I would take that as her not being interested in hearing your opinion and drop it. Trust me, I know it’s really hard but people cannot accept an idea or a change unless they want it, unless they are ready. I’m so sorry all this stuff is going on with your family but you cannot change the opinions your sister has, you can only do the best you can to ignore them. I have a very opinionated family and doing that is very hard. But you can also, if you feel like this battle must be fought, try that, but I’m sure it’s not going to get you very far if she won’t answer your phone. 

    As far as being happy for you about being engaged, I went through that whole thing myself. I was so so excited but nervous to call my family and tell them because I knew they would have all these things to say about it. But if you are happy and know it’s what is right for you, when it happens do nothing but celebrate. Don’t let their comments affect you. 

    I’m sorry if this didn’t really help you. I’m not very good at giving advice. I hope things go better for you soon though! 

    Post # 8
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    i think there comes a time that you have to step back when it comes to family and tell yourself they are adults making adult decisions and you have to just let them make them (good or bad ones)

    you talk about your sister and another sister and your mum and dad and past issues – i think you are taking on too much and as a result you are torn and you are upsetting people.

    you cant make people feel and see things the way you them to so the best is to set yourseful up as your very own switzerland and stay neutral if you want to try to have a relationship with all these people


    Post # 9
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    oh and i say the above and my own family is broken up – my mom hasnt spoken to my sister, her grandsons and now never seen her great grandsons for over 15yrs and they live in the same suburb.  im switzerland, i refuse to discuss either parties issues because its between them and yes, i had to choose a side to attend our post wedding reception


    Post # 12
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    My goodness, you have a lot on your plate, you poor thing! Take a deep breath, because it’s going to be all right. 

    First of all, I think you’re really smart to recognize that S. is enabling the violence that your other sister and your father are enacting on your family. There’s a big difference between forgiveness and enabling.

    I think that when you next speak to S., you should acknowledge that she loves your family and that it’s natural to want to forgive hurtful things. Always start out on a positive note. It will get you much further to try to speak to her this way. Reassure her that she is a good daughter, a good sister, and that you know that the drama in your family is hurting her, too. Even if some of it is a stretch to have to say because you’re angry, it may be worth it to say. Tell her that you’re glad she’s your sister and that you have her around, and again, tell her that she’s got a good heart and that it’s perfectly natural to want to forgive and forget. 

    Then, start talking about your boundaries. Don’t accuse her of anything – just start talking about yourself. (And by the way, I think you should honestly make these boundaries!) Tell her that domestic violence is not to be tolerated, in your opinion. Tell her that you will not tolerate violent talk, that if your other sister threatens anyone you will report her to authorities, that if you see bruises on your mother or have learned of her being abused you will report it to the authorities, and that if either your other sister or your father abuses anyone again, you will cut off contact with them until they are in a treatment program. 

    S. might really squawk at you! You should just calmly repeat that you love your family – including your father and your other sister – and you forgive them out of love. This has nothing to do with forgiveness. You feel that if you continue to embroil yourself in the drama, you are enabling violence and that is something that you refuse to do. I know that this refusal partially comes from your past and your work, but it will actually weaken your argument to discuss that any further with S.; it’s like a thread she might be able to pull loose. This has to do, ultimately, with your decency as a human being, so stick to that. Just say, if it gets really tense, “Not enabling violence is the right thing to do.” S. might tell you something like “Reporting on your own family isn’t right!” or “You’re a traitor!” so try not to take the bait. Just say, “I see it very differently. I will always love Dad, but I won’t be a part of his abusing Mom and hiding it, for his sake and hers. If he does this again, he needs help and I won’t have anything to do with him until he gets it.” Same with the other sister. You can also choose to not wait for a next time to put these in action; it’s up to you. 

    Then, stick to your plan. When people do real interventions, often they have to go out on a line and say that they will not see or speak to a family member until he or she gets help. It hurts very much, but when the stakes are this high, it is the right thing to do. Begging, pleading, getting angry – when those stop working, all you can do is hope that taking away your role in their life will hurt them enough to stop their harmful actions and/or get help.

    Your boundaries with S. alone might include not talking about the rest of your family with her, i.e. saying “I’m sorry, I made my boundaries clear. I don’t want to talk about Dad with you unless it’s about how you’re going to help me get him into treatment” or, in the worst-case scenario “about how you’re going to help me get mom to leave Dad and be safe.” She can talk to you about anything else: school, work, her romantic life. You don’t have to cut her out of your life, but you have your boundaries. 

    She may get really mad and threaten to never speak to you again. At that point, just send out emails and texts every once in a while that aren’t accusatory or begging – just keeping her updated on your life and how much you love her. Or even that you got engaged. This may take years to work itself out. You, being mature and consistent about your boundaries, about how you react when you see anybody being threatened with violence, and so forth, will set the pace for the rest of your family. Ultimately, if they can’t get it together, you will have done the right thing regardless. 

    I hope the best for you. 

    The topic ‘Worried Slightly’ is closed to new replies.

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