WORST Marriage Advice You've Ever Received

posted 3 days ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

Ugh, outdated gender roles. Yay. That *is* spectacularly bad advice.

The worst advice I have received definitely revolved around having children (that neither of us wanted) so that he wouldn’t leave me. undecided

On a less harmful note, the “never go to bed angry” chestnut is definitely counterproductive for our marriage. 

Post # 3
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee

“Never stop dating your spouse.”

Sort of similar to the advice you received, actually.

Ok Karen, thanks – I’ll be sure to find plenty of time for dates between cleaning up my newborn’s barf, dealing with multiple layoffs, a pandemic, being a high risk pregnant woman, our child’s congenital heart defect, and knowing that my husband literally watched me poop on the table while giving birth.

I have found that our relationship ACTUALLY thrives on being real with one another and leaning into the intense sense of comfort and unconditional love we’ve found with one another.  I think that true, lasting partnerships don’t require that you continually try to “impress” your spouse or expect the same from them.  He’s my person and I’m his, no amount of hair curling, makeup or high heels is going to change that, so fuck it.  I don’t need any additional unnecessary anxiety in my life.

Also agree with PP that “Never go to bed angry” is equally ridiculous – my Mother-In-Law said that to me.  Like, thanks, but your son is spectacularly good at pushing my buttons and pissing me off so the odds of that happening are low.  LOL.

Post # 4
Member
1429 posts
Bumble bee

Urgh!  I heard that kind of thing so many times from local women when I was growing up – always dress prettily, never worry ‘hubby’ with your insignificant problems because his are so much worse…guess no one ever told them we’d left the 1950s behind!

Personally, the worst advice I had is that we shouldn’t get married until we’d had at least one flaming row ‘because otherwise you won’t know how you handle conflict’.  Err, we handle conflict by not having flaming rows…

(I’m not saying that we are somehow better than couples that do argue a lot – it’s just that our temperaments are not the kind that go in for huge rows.  We have had a few differences of opinion, but we just tend to sit down, talk it through and come up with a compromise.)

A close second is being told that as long-term singles who didn’t live together until marriage, we were going to find the first few months ‘terrible’, ‘stressful’, ‘depressing’ or ‘extremely traumatic’, and we should ‘prepare’ for that.  I’m not sure how you ‘prepare’ for being traumatised and depressed…fortunately, we haven’t experienced the trauma so haven’t had to worry about it! 

Post # 5
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten bad marriage advice, but my friend did pre-marital counseling at her church and the preacher gave them a book to read where some chapters were for the husband and others were for the wife. In one of the husband’s chapters, it basically said that women were needy and men needed to make sure to give their wives attention when they could. And it didn’t say to give wives attention because it made them feel loved and cherished but rather that it would make the husbands’ lives easier because the wives would be content and not cause problems. It basically sounded like wives are golden retrievers who need socialization or they will get mad and pee on the carpet. 

Post # 6
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

View original reply
@xiphosura:  We had a cute game at my wedding shower that had married ladies write a message for me with their best marriage advice.  My Mom wrote “Just let him win”.  I called her out on this right away.  She NEVER lets my Dad win! After being called out she admitted it was awful advise and she did not know what else to write.  Good one Mom!

Post # 7
Member
1882 posts
Buzzing bee

One more: “The first year of marriage is the hardest.”

While we’ve faced a lot of challenges, I think that this particular piece of advice really freaks newlyweds out and sets them up to expect it to be really hard when it doesn’t have to be.  We got married when we were older (33 and 35) and were already equipped to deal with life together, so this wasn’t the case for us and I think sounds unnecessarily negative.

Post # 8
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I hate “happy wife, happy life” it makes the husband subservient to the wife’s wishes and mood.  I much prefer “happy spouse, happy house” that lets us be equals in supporting eachother’s happiness. 

Post # 11
Member
4855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We had marriage advice cards for people to complete at our wedding, and most were sweet and funny,  but I cringled at the dumb “She is always right” or “Learn to say ‘Yes, Dear'” or whatever. I know the writers probably though they were funny (all men, of course), but I just feel like that kind of dumb marriage humor is annoying and outdated.

Post # 13
Member
7859 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

The ‘never go to bed angry’ advice is so terrible! Some things are so not worth hashing out that you’re no longer angry when you wake up in the morning. 

Post # 15
Member
989 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@xiphosura:  Wow. I gather I’ve just learned that my marriage was doomed from the start because I …… very rarely wear skirts. Apparantly my husband has been secretely uninterested in me for the entire twenty years he has known me, which makes his decade long pursuit of me a really interesting life choice for him. 

To defend the always date your spouse thing, I always thought that meant “set aside time to do fun things together” as opposed to just like, errands and household tasks (but then again, I never really did curls and makeup for dates– insofar as we had a first date, I came straight from the gym, and insofar as we had a second, we flew together internationally and I only bought three changes of clothes, all of which were something like hiking shorts), so the notion isn’t tied up in my mind with dressing up etc! 

I HATE the “don’t go bed angry” advice. The reason we are angry, most of the time, is because we are tired and so being silly and irritable. If we go to bed we typically discover that we are, in fact, not at all angry. 

Somebody once told me to make sure to dye my hair so that my husband doesn’t see me go gray someday. (That soembody was my mother.) Uhhh….. if he can’t handle the fact that my hair changes color, we aren’t going to be in it for long enough for that to be a concern…….

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