Post # 16
This actually just reminded me that i have all of those marriage advice things from my wedding that we haven’t opened! We’ve only been married like 3 years now… I think thats what we will do this weekend!
I too hate the “happy wife happy life” phrase. Especially when it just relates to buying things and not like, actual love? “We cant really afford this” “but happy wife happy life!” eyeroll.
Post # 17
Add me to the list of people who hate happy wife, happy life. I mean, I like to be happy, but so does DH! I didn’t realize so many people hated not going to bed angry. I would be up all night thinking about the conflict if we didn’t talk about it before bed. It’s worked well for us in our 14 years together.
OP, I also dated my DH for a long time before we were married and I HATEDDDD being told how different marriage was from people who weren’t together as long. I made sure after we were married to never say that to another couple because I found it so condescending! Yes, there was something that felt a bit different and special, but we communicated the same way as a long term couple as we did when we were married and were always very committed to each other.
Post # 18
Yeah, oops. Little did you know!
I think I agree with you that it’s indeed very important to set aside time for each other, I just don’t love how the “date night” thing gets portrayed in movies/TV/self-help literature as another thing we’re supposed to spend money on for fear of settling into a “rut”. I enjoy folding sheets and grocery shopping with my partner, going on walks, just snuggling on the couch, and think ALL of these things should be considered important, intimate moments. We go out to eat (that is, we did) if we want to try a new restaurant or bar, and we dress up if we feel like being fancy, but it rarely has anything to do with impressing each other or “putting in the effort” to keep the relationship going. It’s just because it’s fun, damnit!
I have historically defended the “don’t go to bed angry” thing in a half-assed sort of way because I physically CAN’T go to bed angry (insomnia), which really sucks, but I do get why this advice pisses people off, because the implication isn’t that you should resolve your issues before going to sleep (like, that would be nice, but who can do that realistically?), it’s that you should “kiss and make up” in a superficial way to placate your spouse and shut them up. That’s how I understand it anyway. Not a fan.
Post # 19
Ironically there was a WB article about “how your relationship changes after marriage” a few years back that I remember. It was ridiculous. As I mentioned, we’ve been together forever too, and I particularly hate it when married couples (no matter how short a time they’ve been married!) act like our relationship hasn’t “graduated” yet—the whole, “You’ll understand when you’re married!” thing. Grrrr. I understand that you’re consdescending, assholes.
Post # 20
I agree completely! We’ve been together the longest of our friends, so I only got it from people who were together less time than us, which just infuriated me more. I agree that don’t go to bed angry is only helpful if you actually try to get to the bottom of the issue (I share your insomnia). Sweeping it under the rug just to pretend all is well is so not my jam, no matter what time of day it is lol.
Post # 21
My husband and I love going on dates together. But we’re both foodies and think it’s fun to get dressed up, especially after the year we had with infertility and COVID. In no way do I think people who don’t do that are doomed for their marriage to fail. It just falls in line with what we like to do anyway. Also, as soon as we’re back home, the makeup comes off, the sweats come on, and we end up lying on the couch together watching movies.
Post # 22
Totally respect that! We love our food and beverages too, and it’s fun to go out on the town for a night and pretend we’re glamorous metropolitans, lol. But I can confirm that us not doing that for a year (we haven’t been to a restaurant since the pandemic started—we live just outside of Boston and I still don’t feel comfortable eating out anywhere near the city, even outside) hasn’t caused any friction between us as a couple. Cooking together has become a much more regular thing for us these days, and we love that too. It will be fun to get back out there eventually, but it’s hard for me to predict when that will be.
Post # 23
@xiphosura: I enjoy folding sheets and grocery shopping with my partner, going on walks, just snuggling on the couch, and think ALL of these things should be considered important, intimate moments.
This is exactly how I feel!! I totally agree that I prefer to interpret the saying “date your partner” to mean “don’t forget to have quality time together” which can mean a wide variety of things to different couples. Our cozy little routine includes lots of the above sorts of mundane tasks vs. big events that require dressing up. Not that it’s not fun to do that once in a blue moon, but it’s not a regular part of our lifestyle.
Post # 24
I do think it should be mentioned that the whole “date your spouse” thing probably evolved in response to another form of terrible marriage advice: “When you get married, you WILL settle into a boring routine, and boring routines are BAD.” I do think it’s important to examine and re-examine issues in your marriage when they come up to avoid falling into destructive patterns, but a routine isn’t always the death knell of romantic love, and it certainly isn’t unique to marriage.
Post # 25
– Having kids early or even BEFORE getting married (yes, that was encouraged by my husband’s family just because there are no financial constraints)
– Marrying someone because he is a good man even if there are no big feelings
– Learning how to cook amazing meals (not just basic stuff) – I was told because I am a bad cook (can’t bake a pie etc) it will be hard for me to find someone lol but all the men I met love cooking to the point they want to do it themselves all the time. I HATE HATE cooking. This has yet to impact my life, never did
Post # 26
The worst advice I ever received was to take your spouse’s side in any matter (abuse, criminal activity, or infidelity excepted). Even if your spouse is wrong, you take their side unconditionally against anyone, whether a family member or friend. Along those same lines, if there is ever a genuine rift between your spouse and a family member or friend of yours, you allow your relationship with your friend or family member to end so that your marriage continues.
They obviously took the words “forsake all others” extremely seriously.
Post # 27
OP I feel like the advice you recieved was more along the lines of “don’t let yourself go” which is good advice for both genders tbh.
Post # 28
Hmm. My husband and I just restarted “date night” last week and agreed it was long overdue! Due to covid & life things getting in the way, we had been spending far too many nights sitting on the couch in stained lounge wear. It is nice to get out and celebrate us a little. Super fun. Of course, we’re casual people, so our date nights don’t involve uncomfortable footwear. We also don’t go to bed mad. We don’t argue much, but if someone’s feelings are hurt or one of us is angry, it’s far better to work that out before bed. Why taint another day with bad feelings when we can just figure things out now?
Worst advice I ever got from “marriage books” is to just “give him sex, you know, because he NEEDS it”. Like wives are sex vending machines.
Post # 29
I guess it’s maybe been lost in translation?
We don’t have ‘date nights’ in terms of dressing up smart & going out somewhere grand (we never dressed up even when dating & our only special meals out tended to be for birthdays), but we do make sure we spend time together doing stuff we love. Pre Covid, we often used to go to our favourite local cafe for a coffee, armed with a crossword book. Now, we do the crossword at home, and Youtube has helped us produce some fancy coffees from our coffee machine!
Post # 30
I got this advice from a marital counselor I saw with the ex:
Make sure you are attractive to your mate, even if that means being cold or fit.
Backstory: my ex hated that when I started strength training – an exercise I found I loved and actually stuck with – I started developing muscles, which he found to be a turnoff. He also hated that I wore sweats around the house in the winter. The marriage counselor told me I should dress more attractively and not strength train so that my ex would be attracted to me…
Yeah…I’m happily remarried now.