Post # 46
*applauds* OMG, I was told that my partner would lose all attraction for me when I cut my hair off last year (not a pixie, more like a short-ish bob). SURPRISE! He loved it and actually misses the short hair after it’s grown out to my shoulders after a year of no haircuts (I know, my hair grows fast like a freak).
Funny anecdote re the swimsuit issue: A married friend of mine was vacationing in Australia a while back. She is extremely pale, and was wearing a swimsuit with as full coverage as possible while at the beach, because the sun tries its best to kill you in Aus. Some guy actually said in passing, “Good for you for covering up! Your husband must be SO RELIEVED that you’re saving all of that for him!” !!!!!
I wonder how he would have responded if she’d had a chance to tell him she didn’t have a husband—she had a wife 🙂 .
Last but not least, I don’t love the whole “marriage club” idea either. When I get married I absolutely will not feel the need to socialize exclusively with other married couples. Why would I? I don’t consider the signing of a marriage license to be that bonding an activity (except for me and my eventual husband, of course).
Post # 47
Omg you are living my dream!!
I never want to have another live-in relationship again and I truly mean that. Really cool to know there are people out there making it work!
Post # 48
Yes actually! They all come from a conservative Christian background which they are very proud of. I’ve found over the years it’s the people who come from a very religious background who give some of the WORST relationship advice and hold very chauvinistic views about women and the “role” they must play to men.
Post # 49
Another vote against “don’t go to bed angry”. Staying up all night until we aren’t angry won’t solve anything! Just let me go to sleep before I get over tired and say something mean.
Post # 50
One of Dh’s aunts told me to “always have a home-cooked meal for him.” Really? He married me knowing that he is the better cook and enjoys it more, too!
Oh, and my mum’s old cookbooks actually have the advice to have the kids quiet when he comes home so he can relax and put his feet up. Oh, and be sure to dab on some perfume and bring him a cool drink! Ugh, where’s the barfy emoji when you need one?
Post # 51
not exactly marriage advice, but my grandmother told me, if i had short hair, i would never find a husband.
I guess I follow bad advice, because I love going on “dates” with my husband. even now, with the pandemic we still have date nights. we cannot have a conversation with the kids constantly interrupting. so after their bedtime is when we have us time. of course we talk during the week, but we have our phones, the tv is on. but when we do datenight, we are solely focused on each other, usually over a fancier takeout place with some wine and beer and then we talk about deeper things.
Post # 52
Oh dear. Yes, I’ve also read about the whole “his home should be a temple of silence the minute he walks through the door” malarchy in some old books on married life. Just slip the kids a little Valium or lock them in the closet, I guess! He really does
deserve to feel as though he doesn’t actually have a family after a hard day at work! *vomit*
If date night is a thing you guys enjoy, and that is vital to your sanity as parents, you should go ahead and enjoy the hell out of it whenever you can! There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with it, and your date nights sound delightful. I just get bent out of shape by the way the concept is often portrayed as being vital to the survival of ALL relationships. A therapist I was seeing a while back was convinced that my relationship was doomed because we didn’t get gussied up and go out to a fancy restaurant once a week. She was very
concerned, and told me repeatedly that I wasn’t putting in the time to “celebrate my relationship”, and that “men lose interest when they don’t feel appreciated”. Needless to say, my relationship with that therapist was pretty much doomed.
I celebrate my relationship all the time, thank you. It’s just that my way of celebrating isn’t the kind I like to do in public 🙂 .
Post # 53
“Oh and to always make sure that I time dinner to his arrival because the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” — my ex’s mom used to preach this to me, among many other unhelpful things that she claimed would show him I was wife material and have him proposing to me in no time. She was always inserting herself into our relationship and giving unsolicited advice, and the advice was like straight from the housewife era. Have dinner and his favorite beer waiting for him when he gets out of work, make sure the house is clean before he gets home from work, dress up for him, make sure that if you’re on your period and can’t have sex that you’re giving him blowjobs (can’t make this up, she really said this to me).
And my favorite bad relationship advice, “if you want something, make him think it’s his idea and you’ll have no trouble getting it”. She literally told me to manipulate him.
None of this worked, by the way. He never proposed to me LOL. Of course now I’m glad it didn’t, I can’t imagine spending my whole life constantly thinking I need to be perfect to keep a man impressed, much less having his mother involved in every aspect of our lives. My current husband doesn’t automatically expect any of these things from me so he is able to appreciate when I choose to make a fancy dinner or deep clean the house.
Post # 54
make sure that if you’re on your period and can’t have sex that you’re giving him blowjobs….
SO much to unpack here, but that really did it for me, lol. I mean, OF COURSE you can’t have sex on your period, because we all know that a man will spontaneously combust if he sees evidence that his partner menstruates. Also your crops will fail that year and your nanny goats will start lactating blood…..
But apart from that nonsense, the general notion that a man will wither and die if he doesn’t have his every sexual whim tended to without complaint is SO FUCKED UP!!! And the scary thing is I’ve actually heard it more often from YOUNG women, like Gen Zers!! Some of them seem to be convinced that if their husbands/boyfriends hear the word no they’ll explode or something. At the very least, they’ll break up with them. I even heard secondhand from a colleague about a young woman who justified her own rape because “she said no to him too often, so he just took control.” How far we’ve come, right? Jesus, WHERE IS THIS STILL COMING FROM??
Post # 55
I do agree that making sure you continue to work on and grow your relationship is important, I don’t think you have to get dressed up and go out.
H and I do love going out, but I think our relationship got stronger this past year not being able to go out. We spent a lot of time together and doing things together. And I think that is the most important thing.
And while I don’t have kids myself, I do think that relationships suffer because when people become parents, they forget about the relationship and put their kids first at all times. And it can break a relationship. I’ve seen both sides get to a point where they stray outside the marriage looking for the adoration of another human because they aren’t getting it at home.
But I also understand that it’s easier said than done because parenting is a lot of work.
I think when people say that relationships are work, they don’t mean it’s hard, they mean it takes effort to maintain a strong bond. Life gets in the way. It’s not always about getting glammed up, but maybe spending an evening together and focusing on one another.
Post # 56
I can’t believe you Ex’s mom said this to you: “…..make sure that if you’re on your period and can’t have sex that you’re giving him blowjobs (can’t make this up, she really said this to me).”
Where I’m from, a lot of the conservative religious groups believe that oral sex is evil and that it is Satan’s way of getting in to destroy your marriage. That a “good woman” should NEVER engage in such evil whorish behavior and lead her godly husband “astray.” LOL I can’t imagine NEVER receiving oral sex for the rest of my life. What absolute hell!
Omg yes, I totally forgot this one that you mentioned: “…if you want something, make him think it’s his idea and you’ll have no trouble getting it”. She literally told me to manipulate him.”
My mother loved preaching this one to me. I have a strong, stubborn, and outspoken personality, so she told me I’d end up single and die all alone because no good man would want me or be able to stand my personality. I was taught that a good Godly woman should be meek/humble/very quiet (few on words because men hate chatty women). And a wife’s main goal is to protect her husband’s ego/pride and she needs to make him (and your children) believe that HE is the source of all good ideas, leadership, and making the final decisions in the marriage if you want him to stay married to you.
My god, why is so much of this type of [horrible] advice about trying to keep a man?! Were women THIS insecure and men suffered from such delicate fragile egos back then?
Post # 57
Fear and desperation. Marriage and “keeping your man happy” were (and still are to some) seen as survival tactics in a society that viewed/views women as incapable less-than-humans.
Post # 58
No one has ever explicitly given me marriage advice, but my mom has made a few thoughts clear over the years in various ways:
- stay beautiful and thin forever, otherwise he might look elsewhere
- don’t ever leave him, especially if he makes a lot more money than you do, because you won’t find anyone else
- don’t expect him to do things like cook or clean and if he does them anyway you should be SO grateful
Post # 59
@Shina: “My god, why is so much of this type of [horrible] advice about trying to keep a man?! Were women THIS insecure and men suffered from such delicate fragile egos back then? “
I don’t think this is fair assessment due to the time period a lot of this advice is coming from.
It wasn’t until the 1960s &70s that women were allowed to open up their own bank account, credit card or even apply for a mortgage without the consent of their fathers. Women were dependent on men back then, so yes, they wanted to keep them around.
Obviously, we still see some of those ideals present in our society, but women aren’t considered property and we can go out and buy our own homes and open our own bank accounts. We don’t need men the way we used to and with that, we have seen a shift in the dynamic of relationships.
Post # 60
My toxic mother, who has never had a healthy normal relationship in her life told me i should basically kiss my husband’s butt everyday and be waiting at the door, excited to see him when he gets home from work. *I dont think i can roll my eyes hard enough at that.
My husband works nights and gets home very early in the morning. I’m a stay at home mom of 3. Im not waiting by the door for anyone. Also, What decade are we in again? Lol
Op, I dont wear dresses or skirts ever and my husband hasn’t been able to keep his hands off of my for the 22 years we’ve been together. Go figure.