- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
Ooh, I went to one really horrible wedding a few years back… where to begin…
Well the venue was a little church hall (like, not really a church, more a community hall) set in beautiful grounds. The grounds were amazing – huge oak trees, rose bushes, etc – but the hall itself was DIRTY, tiny, stuffy and just horrible. It had a black stage curtain hanging at the end of that was literally held together with duct tape; one of the windowpanes was broken. So weird.
During the ceremony, the music began at the wrong time, the groom looked like a pimp (sorry, but it’s true – open shirt, gold chain, white pointy shoes, etc), the bride stomped down the aisle like she was pissed off. Her hair was greasy, and pulled back in a ponytail that was loose and off-centre – she basically looked like she’d just come from the gym. The bride and bridesmaids’ dresses were homemade and looked it – wonky seams, uneven hems, unfitted, cheap fabric, you name it. She slouched and mouth-breathed (I could HEAR her breathing from the back of the hall) and glared at everyone through the ceremony; I’m afraid I’ve never seen a less lovely bride.
The priest officiating started off BY GETTING THE BRIDE’S NAME WRONG. And continued with a very fire-and-brimstone service.
When it came time to exchange rings, the groom had to awkwardly switch his jewellery around – he was already wearing SIX rings on FOUR fingers.
The Maid/Matron of Honor (the bride’s little sister) sobbed throughout the entire ceremony and reception. Like, weeping, keening weeping. I found out later that she couldn’t bear the thought of her sister leaving her at home with her fundamentalist parents!
After the ceremony, the guests were directed outside the hall to wait while the bridal party had photos. No refreshments, or even instructions as to what to do or what was going on. Just, waiting around.
We then went back in the horrible hall for the reception. Dry reception (only orange cordial from a sachet), the food provided was potato chips and supermarket pizza. No cake; the dessert was this horrible jello-and-pudding mix soup. No music or dancing because the bride’s parents thought it was immoral!
The speeches were awful – the groom’s stepdad (40 years younger than his wife, and younger than the groom!) made the most awkward speech with sexual references – at an obviously religious wedding. The groom’s real dad didn’t come, and instead sent the most insane, insulting, passive-aggressive letter. The Maid/Matron of Honor is weeping all the while. The best ‘man’ (woman) talked about herself and her problems with alcohol the whole time… argh it was just all so awkward and horrible.
The thing is, we barely knew the couple – they had invited nearly 100 people, that they didn’t really know and definitely couldn’t afford to feed. Why? Why any of it?