(Closed) Worthless bee update

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 211
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

Definitely proceed with the restraining order. I wouldn’t give two fucks about his career. 

Your life is more important.

He can go flip burgers at McDonald’s but you only have one life. Don’t let him take that away from you too.

Post # 212
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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worthlessbee :  

No way this guy should be in law enforcement.

Get your restraining order.  Protecting yourself is more important.  If he loses his job, you will have helped to protect the public from him.

Post # 213
Member
7639 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Supersleuth :  “Why would your lawyer give the tapes or phone back to you

She almost certainly did the recording on her phone. That means they’re digital recordings, and can be copied instantly.

(OP, if you don’t have backup copies, make them!)

Post # 214
Member
6935 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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worthlessbee :  If he KNOWS it would be damaging to his career, you think he’d stop harassing you, right? But he’s not. And he won’t because he’s an abusive prick. I get that you still care about him. It’s only been like a week. Of course you do! But you need to stop worrying about how what you do will affect him and start worrying about YOUR LIFE. He got himself into this mess. He has no one else to blame. 

Make sure your lawyer looks over the laws in your state on restraining orders. And next time he comes around stalking you, CALL THE POLICE! Don’t just threaten to call them, actually call. 

Post # 215
Member
6935 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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worthlessbee :  Also, I just read your most recent update. I second the PP that says you should print these posts out and give them to your therapist and lawyer. That way they can just read them and it won’t be as painful for you. 

I don’t even know you but I think about you every day. I wish I could give you a big hug. You’re doing such a great job. Never give up on yourself!

Post # 216
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

Hi bee, there’s not much else I could say that other bees haven’t said. If you feel like going back to him go back through and read what you’ve written. No one deserves to be treated like that ever. As for the things he’s said. I can’t imagine how painful it is for you to have to relive those moments. But just because he said those terrible things doesn’t mean their true. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of by admitting it or opening up. He is the one who should be embarrassed. I’m thinking of you. You can do this. 

Post # 217
Hostess
4139 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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aussiemum1248 :  He would actually have to disclose the RO on his SF-86, but it would not automatically make him lose his security clearance.   

That being said, bee, please follow YOUR lawyer’s advice and look out for yourself.  Remember that he is the one who made the decision every day to abuse you and anything that happens as a consequence of his actions is his fault and his alone.  You are so kind hearted!  He is banking on your kindness to avoid any ramifications.  It is ok to let him face the consequences for treating you so horrifically. 

Post # 218
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

WorthyBee,

I really wish I can give you a hug right now.  *hugs* I’m proud of you that you didn’t talk to him directly.  Like the other bees, I agree this is his attempt to lure you back in.  If he really loved you he would have never found pleasure treating you like crap.  As I said before, you are really pulling his mask off in front of people and he’s more dangerous now than before.  This is his desperate attempt to prevent you from placing the restraining order and showing everyone that he isn’t who he is says he is.  And when the restraining order is in place… please.  PLEASE be extra careful because he will no longer have a reason to try buttering you up.  He will then know that he lost complete control over you and that you are willing to sacrifice his mask for your safety and protection.

I agree with your therapist.  Please stop listening to the recordings and learn to start loving yourself again.  You are a WORTHYBEE whom deserves love and respect.  That means you also need to treat yourself with love and respect.

Edit – I just realized the irony that he’s in federal law enforcement where his job is to keep people safe by obeying the law.  And yet… He threatened your safety and wellbeing and yet he’s trying to be above the law that he should be enforcing? A guy like that shouldn’t be in that type of career.

Post # 219
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Your last update broke my heart, because it unfortunately reminded me of how horrible my ex was to me and so many of the things you have experienced, I did too in even a similar way. I will never forget the time my ex told me exactly like this “I would rather my kid thought his mother had died than think she had left me”. When I thought I was pregnant with his child some months later, I went to the health clinic in secrecy and got a plan B pill in the hopes of stopping anything that could happen. It was completely against my beliefs and against anything I ever though I would do, but the fear was so strong and I just couldn’t take the risk. To this day, I still don’t regret it. I can’t imagine being tied to that man forever. 

My ex did the same as yours is doing when I finally was strong enough to leave the first time. I even went out of the country on a trip with my family. When I came back, he told me the absence had made him realize how much he missed me and how awful he had been. He pushed and tried and tried till I decided to give him another chance. He seemed so honest and remorseful, even promised to go to church with me. And for a few weeks, it seemed honest and true and like change had actually happen. And I was happy, we were happy. But soon enough, he went back to his old ways and I went from being that happy-go-lucky girl I had started to become again, to this depressed and terrified person that had left once before. Thankfully for me, he started hanging out with a girl who looked like she was my sister, but with a happy and bubbly personality like the one I had in the beginning with him. When I saw him show interest, I found my exit strategy and finally left. I knew it was the safest way to leave. Unfortunately for her, I later found out he was twice as bad with her as he was with me. She recognized what I had done and did the same herself. She found me on Facebook afterwards and I still talk to her to this day. I guess we bonded over having the same abuser and became friends from that experience. I only feel bad for the girl who came after her. He was a true sociopath (just like I think your husband might be), and everyone only saw his good side so no one believed the hell we were living in. He was very good at hiding his true self from others whenever he wanted to.

There is no way change has been made to him this soon, and all he is doing is playing on your love and good feelings to protect his job and himself, especially now that attorneys are involved. He is getting advise on how to make things better for the process and likely he thinks if he just keeps trying, you’ll eventually give in. Trust me, I’ve seen this before. It’s not an honest apology and taking him back will only make things worse in the future. You are finally on your way to freedom. Keep moving forward. Going back will only break your heart more, once you realize that his words meant nothing and all he did was out of selfishness. Leaving once is hard, leaving twice is harder. I hope you get the restraining order at least using the emails and communications you have on him (this should be sufficient at least for a while). If you feel like you need someone to talk to and keep reminding you how strong you are, you know we are all here for you!

Post # 220
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I just read your last update and it makes my heart heavy. But in the end you really are amazing. This man tried to break you and he didn’t. I hope allowing those secrets out bring you some peace. I was once in an abusive relationship, only when I finally shared with my friends and family what was really happening was I ready to leave. Having told the people I’m closest with just made me accountable so that I wouldn’t return to my abuser.

Post # 221
Member
9967 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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worthlessbee :  There is one thing I can promise you if you fall for his lies and go back to him.  And that is his abuse will grow even WORSE.  He would have zero respect for you if you did that.  As it is right now you can look at your own face in the mirror and realize you have regained your dignity by leaving the devil behind you.

Even more chilling is the fact that if you returned to him you may not escape with your life the next time.  Think about that and remain afraid of him, it is the wisest decision.  He does not love you and he is a liar.  Remind yourself what love really is on an hourly basis if you have to.  Love is patient.  Love is kind.  Love does not hurt.  Rinse and repeat.  He does NOT love you.  He is not capable of real love.  He will hurt you and maybe very badly if you allow yourself to be deceived and manipulated in returning to him. 

If he really loved you NONE of this would have ever happened in the first place.  He has shown you his true colors.  Let it be enough.

Post # 222
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

Hi worthy bee, I’ve been reading along since the beginning but I finally t feel compelled to pipe up just to tell you how incredibly in awe I am of you. I have no advice because you are probably 100x the woman I could ever hope to be so my words would be useless to you. I can not even begin to comprehend the immense pain you’ve been through and are currently in. I just wanted you to know, as an outsider looking in, I am 1000% confident that you will get through this period of your life, and your life will be freaking amazing on the other side. For you to have the strength and guts to do what you did, even after years spent with somebody dead set on destroying your self worth, is incomprehensible to me. You’re truly a warrior and I just know that if you could do all you’ve done so far, you can do ANYTHING! I’m not even worried for you. I’m sorry for you, and I’m sympathetic to all the pain and fear you’re experiencing, but I’m totally not worried at all. You’re absolutely going to be not only fine, but you’re going to kick life’s ass. I hope somehow I catch your update in a few years…it’s going to be so good. Keep your eye on the prize. You’re absolutely amazing. 

Post # 223
Member
16 posts
Newbee

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thinkingofyou :  I am doing the same…we do NOT deserve to be treated like this!  Lots of love and prayers to you too! xoxo  if you need anything please let us know, we are here for you too!

Post # 224
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

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worthlessbee :  It hurts my stomach to read your posts because I cant believe you had to live like that. That is not living at all, that is being a slave to an abusive, manipulative person. You are a victim of abuse, and like many survivor stories you will read, you try to sympathize with your abuser. Just think to yourself, would you wish the life you had with your husband on anyone else??? Probably not… so you cannot take back a life you wouldnt wish on your worst enemy.

I think you feel so guilty because you are a kind, beautiful person, who is always thinking of others. Its hard for selfless people like you to put themselves first, but you have to do it! Just remember, we are all accountable for our own actions. You did not make him act like that, he chose to, and he has to live with the consequence. 

Please go through with the restraining order. Just remember, you arent doing any of this to hurt him, you are only doing this to protect yourself. I fully believe he is only acting nice to get you back (because he thinks you are weak, and you arent, you are very very strong), and once you go back, it will be worse than before because he will be so angry at your actions. You are not safe with him. 

 

Post # 225
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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worthlessbee :  WorthyBee, Did you know just how much of an inspiration you are to others here, who are making plans to leave their abuser?  

Did you know how much in awe you are with the courage you show through your actions-to those who feel weak and powerless?  

Keep going!  We are proud of you.  We are proud of the progress you are making in loving yourself and belief of a better life to come.  You have left Hell.  

You will find true love, and your healing will bring such treasures into your life. Stay strong and safe.  

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