Post # 226
Worthy Bee, I am so proud of you and the progress you have made in such a short time. I’ve followed your posts from the beginning, always anxious to hear you were safe. I’m so glad you are safe, and your family protected you when he came to their house. I know some days it may not feel like progress, but you’ve really come so far. I haven’t been in this situation before, so I can’t advise you from personal experience. I did see it in a friend of mine, who managed to get out, and now she is so happy and with a good guy who treats her right.
Your last update was absolutely heartbreaking. No one should be treated like this, ever. The cycle of abuse is real, I saw it in my friend’s situation too. You really cannot trust anything he says. He just wants to have you under his power again – he doesn’t love you and will never love you. That letter was just a last ditch effort to get you back under his control, it wasn’t authentic. He had so many opportunities to treat you right, and he never did. If you go back, it will get worse. I am so glad you’re working with a therapist – keep going and working this out. It will take time to truly heal, but all of the effort you put into healing will be worth it. You can do this!!
Stay strong, we are all cheering for you. XOXO
Post # 227
After leaving my abusive ex he sent me a long “love letter” and a signed first edition copy of my favorite book. He even logged on to his mom’s email account to send me an email “from his mom” about how crushed her son was. It took everything in me to not email “her” back with the details of all the horrors he’d put me through. This was not an apology it was a calculated move to see if he could get me back. Same as what your husband did. Not because he loved me and wanted me to be happy but because he had invested a lot of time and effort into controlling me. Remember actions are louder than words. Anyone can write a letter (also as PP pointed out that letter was about HIS loss). Not what he had done to you. If he really loved you and wanted what is best for you he would leave you alone. He would seek help for himself to be a better man and hope that you find someone who treats you well. He showed up at your parent’s house to catch you off guard and to kick you while you were down. Stay Strong Worth it Bee! Even if this was not an abuse situation and just a regular divorce my advice would be that it is still way too soon. If people really are going to try to change then they need to have made that change and demonstrated that it is a permanent one. Anyone can say they will change, but unless they have spent time on their own and really done the work to make those changes it’s just a matter of time before they return to their old behavior. Really right now he’s just promising he will change he hasn’t taken much action. And frankly when it comes to abuse I don’t think it is ever a good choice to go back. He is still the man who terrorized you and he can’t undo that. Maybe he can change and be better for himself or treat someone else differently, but I really doubt that. Most men like that just give up after a while and start looking for someone else they can groom.
Post # 228
worthlessbee : Oh dear WorthyBee, your last post just broke my heart. I am so so very sorry for what you have gone through. There is no excuse for that treatment, any of it! You deserve so much better. I know how hard it is to listen to the promises for change. But please believe what MelissainNC has posted and what everyone has said to you. It’s a horrible cycle and it will NOT change. I’ve been in this cycle for far too long now and I have seen it, it only gets worse. What he wrote you is just to get you back. He has lost control and the abuser can’t stand that. You have done the hardest part so far, taking that first step. Look what you have done! You are so amazingly strong! Please hold onto the strength of your family, friends and your friends here…until you start to feel better! And you will! I hope that you file the restraining order soon. I hated reading what his lawyer said about damaging his career and no documented abuse. That makes me so mad!! Protect yourself please.
Sending you so much love and strength to get through today and the days to come! If you need to talk please reach out, I am here. We are all here to help! xoxo
Post # 229
Oh my god. I have been following your story since the very first post on the first thread. But your most recent update is probably one of the most sad and upsetting things I’ve ever read.
I just can’t even fathom how you dealt with his abuse for all those years. He one of the most vile, despicable, sadistic and evil fucking excuses for a human being. If I ever saw him IRL I would torture him like he did to you. Honestly reading what he put you through makes my blood boil. I’m just at a loss for words and I want to cry for you.
All I can say is if you go back to him he could snap and he could actually kill you. He is the kind of person who would do that. Classic stories of an abuser like him have ended in complete tragedy.
Right now it feels terrible and you feel alone but trust me when I say this, YOU ARE SO SO SO MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT THAT CREATURE. He is right about one thing HE IS A MONSTER. But he is a monster who can no longer hijack your life.
You need a restraining order. Please follow through with that no matter what happens to his career, he should have fucking thought about “his career” before he fucking abused you.
Please please stay strong! You can do this! Read all the stories of other bees who have lived through abuse and how much better their lives are now that they are out! You are worthy, you are free. Don’t let him take away your life any more. Please stay strong Bee. We are rooting for you.
Post # 230
Your situation and experience has been so awful and hurtful and it breaks my heart. It’s equally sad to hear so many other bees who have been in similar situations. If this site is good for anything, it has been to bring together a bunch of women who can share their stories and provide some hope for you that you WILL someday look back at this and know that this is the starting point where you get to call the shots and you get to flood your brain with positive (AND TRUE!) messages of your self-worth. It’s going to be hard and there have already been moments where you doubted what you were doing. Please continue to lean on what sounds like an amazing support system and take care of yourself–whatever that looks like right now.
Your husband is desperate, because without you to punish and demean, he has lost a great deal of his ego and identity and is faced with being out of control of the situation. Control is the most important thing to him. He will say or do anything he can to regain that control. What scared me is that in one of your prior posts, you wrote that he said what he would do with your body if he killed you. That wasn’t a joke. It has, at the very least, crossed his mind and now that you have left, this is the most dangerous time. Please be safe and consult with your attorney about the best action to take. Sometimes a restraining order is the best way, but other times it just provokes the offender. A domestic violence advocate could probably help you through this process as well. I am not trying to cause more panic for you, but there are stories every day of spouses killing their wives and even entire families when one attempts to or does leave. Even though I don’t know you personally, your story has touched me and I am both hopeful for your future and worried about your current safety.
Post # 231
I can’t fathom how any person would think it’s ok to treat another human being in the way that your husband has treated you. Please don’t be swayed by his letter, this is something that nearly every abuser tries when their victim finally leaves. My friend recently left her verbally abusive and manipulative husband and he said the same things in his letter, almost verbatim. And she almost fell for it. When he found out my friend wasn’t going to take the bait and run right back home, he got aggressive again.
My heart breaks for you knowing that you’re in so much pain, but know that you are so strong and you have a lot of people behind you.
Post # 232
I am so glad you didn’t end up going to his house that day. His apologies probably struck a chord with you but as we’ve all told you, they mean nothing. It’s his attempt to re-hook you in this cycle of extreme abuse.
I want to share a story we dont’ talk about much in my family, because it’s so heartbreaking. I won’t share all the details, just a little summary. Many years ago my dad’s cousin’s daughter went missing. It was so scary and heartbreaking, as she was married to the perfect man with a little girl, and a baby on the way. After searching for her for weeks her body was found. A murder investigation was opened. Her husband cooperated fully and was a wreck. Long story short, it turns out he was not this “perfect” man. He was abusive, which she hid from everyone, and he killed her. Her family will never recover from this.
Please please please understand the cycle of abuse. You haven’t deserved any of this treatment. Someone who is capable of these things in the first place is not capable of ever changing. He is beyond help. He could get all the therapy in the world and he won’t change. Please understand that although the next while will be hard, you WILL get through this and come out on the other end and be better for it. If you wouldn’t want your dearest friend, mother, sister, potential daughter to be with a man like him, then you shouldn’t be either.
Thank you for updating us and letting us know you’re safe. Please continue to do so if you’re comfortable, and when it’s safe to.
Post # 233
I am so fired up after reading your post. PREACH!!!
Post # 234
I felt the same way when my ex pulled a knife on me and when he let the air out of my tires and ripped out my car seats while I was at work. I didn’t want to cause him to go to jail or anything like that I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could go on with my life. I actually regret not filing charges against him and getting a restraining order against him. What caused him to leave me alone eventually was my current boyfriend scared the living day lights out of him after he was told from his neighbors that some guy was watching his place for weeks! Don’t worry about your husband and not getting him in trouble. If he cared about his job, he sure as hell would not have shown up at your parents home. Think about YOUR safety, not his career!!!!
Post # 235
I’m thinking of and praying for you, hun! I truly cannot imagine going through all that you have in your relationship. I know you are having a mixture of feelings and emotions to sort through at the moment. Just remember that you are safe now! You have your parents, friend that’s been staying with you, that adorable dog of yours, and the Bee community supporting you!
I think once you feel more comfortable with your therapist, you need to open up and share the things you’ve been bottling up inside for so long. You will feel a sense of peace and your therapist may be able to suggest certain ways to cope with what’s happened and start the healing process.
You’ve done an amazing job getting out of a life-threatening situation. I have no doubt the verbal abuse would have started becoming more physical. It was just a matter of time. As I’ve said before, you really are an inspiration to all of us…..especially, to other victims of abuse! Your husband’s words are without merit! Your actions have proven every insult that was directed at you wrong! Be proud of yourself, Bee and ignore anyone who ever doubts you or your story! Behind every doubter, there are thousands of believers!
Stay strong and keep moving forward!
Post # 236
Just read your update, Worthwhile Bee.
I’m so sorry he did that you when you had a chemical pregnancy. I’m so sorry for everything he did to you and I wish I could say or do something that would make it all better at the snap of my fingers.
All I can tell you is that you are not alone. I remember a time when my first narcissist made me come over to stay with him when I was sick with the stomach flu. He wanted sex. Afterwards, I was so sick to my stomach that I got ill in the bathroom. I ran from the bedroom to the bathroom and didn’t have time to close the door. Afterwards, he berated me for having to hear that and said in a disgusted tone how he was fairly certain the entire apartment building heard it. Then he proceeded to break up with me for the umpteenth time because I guess I wasn’t attractive enough while sick. I had to fight a high fever and nausea on my ride home because I was kicked out.
Another time he screamed in my face how useless I was because I didn’t clean the bathroom. When I did, I didn’t clean it properly and got dumped.
My second narcissist screamed at me, belly bumped me, threatened to hit me, put his face in my face, physically loomed over me and proceeded to hold our relationship hostage over every disagreement, no matter how small. Then he disappeared–abruptly and completely. Just as I was healing he came back with long reminiscent e-mails–about himself. That time, I ended all chances of interaction. Afterwards, I had PTSD for some time and the anxiety was crippling at first.
I could go on but this not my story. This is yours. I tell you these things because here I am, years later, armed with knowledge from books, blogs, writing, reading, and counseling–healthy, happy, and married to a fantastic, normal man. I will never again feel the way I once did.
This will be you.
Post # 237
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s so senseless. Her poor daughter, it just breaks my heart.
Post # 238
Sorry for your loss. That is so very tragic.
Post # 239
Hello dear dear bee! Your story is so heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you are going through this. You have some great support right here and I am so glad for the sound advice and encouraging words.
Your recent update breaks my heart. My ex would do certain things similar to yours, he would get jealous or think I’m hiding things and break my phone. He broke 3 in our relationship. of course I will not compare yours to mine or apples to orange but I do know how terrifying it is to be on your own (he would leave for days!) and still cling to the moments it was good. It’s normal to crave that relationship, especially since you’ve been together so long, but other bees are right! Retread what you have said and the nasty things he sent you and think… Is this acceptable for any human to treat someone this way? Really feel those feelings you feel when rereading them.. I would save some of our texts and retread them and think… God what a jerk how can I be with this guy. Those feelings really helped me because when I’d be alone craving his presence, I remember being in that abuse is way worse
hugs to you keep your head up bee! You are worthy!
Post # 240
I have watched so many women in my life live their entire lives believing men when they tell them they are worthless. Being able to read your story means so so much to me.