Post # 91
Oh my goodness. I just want to punch him the face and then scoop you up and take away from all this. You sound so strong and self-aware. It’s hard when you know that your emotions don’t seem to make sense but you can’t stop having them. It will get better, the withdrawal symptoms will fade eventually. It won’t be like this forever. It’s ok to grieve, cry and scream all you want. If any of us bees are in your area I’m sure they would help you if you need it.
Post # 92
worthlessbee : Bee, I’ve been keeping up with you ever since you started this journey. Nobody, NOBODY is expecting you to be ok and move on from this overnight. And the feelings you feel are normal. Like previous bees have mentioned, after getting out of an abusive relationship, you have been conditioned. The hope from the slightest bit of warmth is your drug, because that’s what you’ve been used to for years.
Grieve. It’s ok. It’s ok to cry and feel lost. This is going to be a one day at a time healing process. Heck some days it may just be an hour at a time. AND THAT IS OK. You are doing everything right. There will be days that are downright terrible. And there will be days when you make it a whole day without crying. Lean on your friends, family, and Us. We are here with you. You aren’t alone. And when you feel strong enough, look into emotional abuse support group. Find other women who have been where you are. Take solace in knowing you are not alone. And take strength from knowing that you are strong, beautiful, and worth it.
Post # 93
You don’t have to be afraid of you how feel. It’s normal to feel this way. It’s normal to feel like you will never smile again, normal to miss your home, normal to miss him even though you know what he’s really like. Please please please do not go and say goodbye to him. It’s a terrible idea. Right now, you don’t have to do anything other than take things day by day, hour by hour, just keep on keeping on. That’s enough to get you through. 🙂 It really is. Most of us have been through terrible break-ups..I remember lying on my bed once listening to sad songs thinking ”even if by some miracle I forget this man in time, I don’t even want to forget him, I just want to die…” but time is a miracle healer and one day you’ll be looking back on this from a place of happiness and contentement thinking ”my goodness why was I ever even with him… thank God I left”. You’ve done this for yourself, your family, your future children and grandchildren and to inspire women all over the world. Big hugs.
Post # 94
Everything you are feeling is completely normal for an abuse survivor to feel. You will get through this, Worthy Bee. It’s totally natural to want to cling to the one who hurt you for comfort. That’s how Stockholm Syndrome works. I am so glad you are going to talk to someone and get some extra support.
His statement that you ‘made me’ abuse you is classic abuser logic. He can’t take responsibility for his own behavior, so he blames the victim. Classic.
You are in deep grief right now. I can still recall how awful that felt. I was unable to do much other than cry. I went to groups at the DV center and cried. I wandered around the house and cried. I was lucky enough to find an excellent therapist who understood abuse.
Don’t buy into anyone’s expectations of how your healing should go. You just escaped from a life threatening situation. Give yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. You have gone through a lot in a very short amount of time and been amazingly clear headed. I admire you very much. Be gentle with yourself, Worthy Bee.
Post # 95
BrynneF : if you don’t believe her stop reading. I think she is going through enough without having to prove herself.
Post # 96
worthlessbee : I’ve been following this from the start and I’m sad to see that people are questioning whether this is real. I and the majority of bees believe you. I was in your situation and I grieved for the good parts of the relationship. I left and re built my life and I am so glad I did. Stay strong. Remember why you left if you feel yourself getting pulled back in. We are rooting for you and believe in you. You deserve your best chance in life.
Post # 97
worthlessbee : Stay strong, bee. I am glad you’re safe We are all with you. It WILL get better.
Do not speak to your ex except through your lawyer. What a terrible excuse for a man! His excuses are just that, pathetic excuses. There is no justification for that verbal abuse.
Lean on your friends and family and don’t be afraid to cry in front of them.
And about this board… to be honest, I’m glad you deleted the old thread. Omit and change any details you want to, if it will help keep your anonymity. And if that means some keyboard warriors with too much time on their hands can pick holes in your story… let them. You don’t owe any of us any explanations. ((((((Hugs)))))
Post # 98
worthlessbee : That is absolutely awful. I know it might seem a bit odd to say this, however I think being around people could really help at a time like this. I agree with the bees… You should keep those emails and any voicemails you should forward to someone too.
Don’t listen to his ugly words, he has no soul and doesn’t deserve you.
Post # 99
worthlessbee : what I’m about to say isn’t going to go over well with the lovey dovey idealists on this board, but it’s the reality that I’ve experienced: most people do not believe you when you tell them that you are the victim of abuse.
I don’t tell anyone anymore about my abusive ex husband, even my current husband doesn’t know too much. People assume that it takes two to tango. Especially if you are dealing with a narcissist or a psychopath, etc., someone who knows how to do damage control and how to ruin your reputation, people will not believe you. No one wants to believe that someone can be so awful.
As far as mutual friends go, it’s easier to believe that you’re mentally ill than to believe that their buddy, a guy they like is evil. (Trust me, there are others who see him for what he is, but they don’t keep him around.)
Likewise, new people you’ll meet, who didn’t know him, won’t believe you. They’ll see a shattered, upset woman rambling on about her awful ex-husband. Do you know what they’ll think? That you’re hung up on your nasty divorce.
I’ve said it a bunch of times already, but I really urge you to go see a good mental health professional.
You want to get to a place where you don’t care whether or not people believe your story. I am there and my life is so much easier for it.
Take it one day at a time, but please get used to the idea that people won’t believe you. The important thing for you to do right now is to stay safe and to stay away from him.
Post # 100
Your husband’s behaviour is part of an abusive pattern of behaviour. This pattern is not to do with love. It is to do with power and control.
So here goes. This is what to expect.
Expect him to threaten you. Expect him to insult you. Expect him to call you names. Expect him to bad-mouth you to your friends. Expect him to try to diminish your self worth. Expect him to blame you for his behaviour.
When this doesn’t work he will try charm, he will apologize, he will try to arrange to meet you in person, he will promise repeatedly to change and he will probably threaten to harm himself.
What he won’t do is admit it is his fault. What he won’t do is be prepared to do whatever it takes to make you happy and confident even if that means he will never see you again.
Do keep the email and a copy of abusive phone messages. Send them to your lawyer, your therapist, and the police.
If you feel up to it let your friends and family see/hear them.
Abuse is done secretly. To bring it into the open destroys some of its power.
Please be assured that the “nice guy” at the beginning of your marriage was not the real him but a pretend him.
The “nasty guy” throughout the rest of your marriage was and is the real him.
It worries me that you still love him because the person you love simply does not exist and has really never existed. You seriously need to work with your therapist on this.
In the meantime don’t contact your husband at all except through your lawyer. Don’t attempt closure. (There won’t be any closure whatever you do.) Do inform the police of threats. Do look after yourself and allow your friends and family to look after you. Your job now is to have the time and space to recover emotionally. It won’t happen overnight but it will happen.
Post # 101
renierose : I’m so sorry about you experiencing abuse. Well done in divorcing your abusive ex-husband.
I think that you are right to advise that a good mental health professional is essential in such situations. People need help unravelling the truth from the half-truths and the lies so that they can recover from the abuse and learn to value themselves again.
Post # 102
worthlessbee : I don’t think I got to read your OP, but I read this thread. Sending you lots and lots of love <3 <3 <3 <3
Post # 103
renierose : I’m sorry you’ve had that experience but I don’t think that’s necessarily always true… I for exmaple always believe people who say they’ve been a victim of abuse. Perhaps it’s not about people not believing you but more not knowing how to react to the news.
Post # 104
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Oh bee, that message you shared made my jaw drop. You are strong and brave and you have done so amazingly well in such a short space of time – what was it, six days from your first post about the abuse to the day you left? It takes some women years to extract themselves from an abusive relationship. He is blaming you for it all – BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please give yourself time to grieve – of course you need to do that and you should allow yourself the time and breathing space to do that. I hope your therapist can help you with some coping strategies to assist you in working through your emotions.
And you can add me to the list of Bees who were very glad to see you update – all around the world there are people who were concerned for your safety. Take it day by day – hour by hour if you need to, but you can get through this.
Post # 105
Most women here are mean. And they report you over nothing. I’d def stay away from this farce of a site if you expect real advice. Look what happened already. You were called a troll and worse by this site’s cattiest of women. None of that is right. But ppl around here seem to take it anyway. I watched one poor woman be degraded for not going home. Her mother in law was abusing her, many women called her vicious shit. I stuck up for her and got reported. I’ll be punished for this too lol. But good luck.