(Closed) Worthless bee update

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

Thinking of you! You are so strong! It’ll take time, but eventually it will get easier! Please continue to update, even if it’s a PM. 

Post # 122
Member
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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worthlessbee :  I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. It has taken me over 8 years of therapy and I’m still not completely healed from the verbal, physical, and sexual abuse I endured. Your friends and family mean well and they will probably never fully understand and they might grow impatient but you just need to take your time to heal. Remember it’s a journey. You’ll even be frustrated with yourself but this is not something that you just wake up and get over. It’s a process. Please seek counseling. It does wonders for you and your heart. It helps to talk things through because there are things you feel that you don’t even fully understand and just putting them out there lifts a huge weight. 

This analogy from my counseling always stuck with me, “it’s like walking by the same house every single day on your way home. A Beautiful house built. Sturdy and bright. and then at the hands of people it was slowly destroyed. Paint chipped away, roof beginning to leak, wood rotted by rain. People that didn’t care for the house, just looked passed it when it needed care. When it needed to be lifted and patched they ignored it, but only sought to use it for their own enjoyment. But then someone comes in and decides to restore it. Piece by piece. Each day something new is done. Some days you walk by the house and all you can see is the wreckage. Piles of wood and debris everywhere being torn out. You may not see anything good at all and think it’ll never go back to how it was. But some days you walk by and you see the new small details. The ways in which it looks a little brighter and better. Some days you see both.” Your healing is a journey. Some days you’ll be miserable. Some days all you’ll see is the negative in your life. But some days you’ll see the small ways in which you’re healing. Some days you’ll see both. It will get better. I promise. Focus on the progress. Focus on yourself. 

My counselor eventually suggested I get an emotional support dog bc my ptsd and panic attacks were so bad I wouldn’t even leave the house. That dog saved my life in so many ways. She made me feel comfortable and calm. She gave me a purpose again and I was no longer just grieving. She still to this day is a reminder of how far I’ve come and how much love I’m capable of. That seems so silly but it might be worth exploring that option. It helped met so much. 

 

Youre going to get through this I promise. Allow yourself time to heal even if no one else understands. Let me know if you need anything at all! Xoxo

 

Post # 123
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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worthlessbee :  I can only imagine how hard this is right now, but I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit.

It may feel like hell, but you are coping. You set up this plan and got yourself out so amazing quickly and carefully and that is no minor accomplishment. You are obviously incredibly capable and strong, but it’s inevitable that you would grieve the relationship and lifestyle that was so familiar and ‘comfortable’ (for lack of a better word) for you. Also, you were caught up in all the planning beforehand but now you have the lull where it all catches up with you mentally and emotionally. As awful as everything is, the simple truth is that you are bang smack right on track. 

Allow yourself to feel what you feel right now and don’t judge yourself for it. Was your husband a piece of shit? Definitely. Does that erase every good memory and the original sense of intimacy you felt for him? Unfortunately not. Let yourself feel sad and angry and whatever else comes along, just don’t let that turn into regret or thoughts of reaching out to him. You know what your boundaries have to be in order to keep yourself well and safe and on this new and much brighter path. Write them down and stick them to the back of your front door or your phone if you have to, so that there’s another reminder for when you might have those thoughts. 

You are very early on in your new journey. Give yourself time and remember that every hour you get through gets you one step closer to feeling ‘you’ again. You just have to keep going.

I would seriously encourage you to engage in some mindless distraction over the next little while to give yourself a mental break. For me, I find binge watching sitcoms to be perfect for this purpose – The Office, New Girl, Parks and Rec, Friends, How I Met Your Mother… whatever works for you. When I was in my deepest depression (completely different from where you’re at now, I know) some of the characters from those shows felt like my best friends and as pathetic as it may sound, I’m proud to admit it because I know that there were times that probably saved my sanity, if not my life. 

Be kind to yourself and let go of all expectations about how you ‘should’ feel or be right now. Give yourself time and the rest will happen, I promise. Wishing you the absolute very best. 

Post # 124
Member
2121 posts
Buzzing bee

WorthyBee, you CAN do this, and you WILL do this. 

Yell. Swear. Cry. Let it out. I know you feel like your family and friends are pushing you too hard, and I understand what you mean, but talking to a therapist now is a really good idea. She/he can advise you on how to keep your head, and how to get through this. It might be hard, but I think it will make the healing process easier. It will also give you someone to vent to outside of family and friends. 

What are your hobbies? I would suggest taking something up to give you focus. What relaxes you? What is generally therapeutic for you? If writing helps, start writing a book. Try drawing or painting, sewing, knitting, cross stitch, or a general craft like candle making. Maybe grab some puzzles, or puzzle books like word searches, crossword puzzles, or sudoku. Hire some movies or rent some books and get reading/watching. 

You need to grieve, but to pull yourself out of sadness it is helpful to have something to keep your mind busy. Even baking or learning to cook, or learning a new language. Whatever you feel like you can manage. 

I would also look at joining the gym with a friend. NOT because your husband called you fat, but because of the endorphins it releases. 

Something else to keep in mind: Remember how he intimidated your dog. If you don’t feel like you can do it for yourself, do it for her. But I promise you bee, you are strong enough. It just doesn’t feel like it right now.

FWIW I never doubted your story, and in over 50+ pages the majority of us believed you and were cheering you on. Ignore the snarky ones. 

Post # 125
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Bee,

I followed your story completely and I think everything you are feeling must be completely natural. You were in an abusive situation, but you still feel love because you remember the good things that did exist in between the bad. Those cloud us to the reality and the very bad things he was doing to you. You saw an opportunity and had some amazing strength that many others would not have. You left to save you. And you will. It may be a long journey, it probably will. I am so happy you have your friend, your parent, and your boss by your side. I am thrilled you are going to therapy. It is okay for you to have moments of doubt, but stay strong because you are worth saving. And you did save yourself. It may be a tough road right now, but it will only get better in time. You are giving yourself a second chance.

Post # 126
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

WorthyBee,

What you are feeling is normal.  When you been in a relationship as long as you have I can only imagine that the abuse becomes a natural part of your day and oddly feels normal.

 

I’ve seen couples where they came out of an abusive relationship.  One of my friends just came out from an abusive relationship this year after being with his wife for 9 years.  Despite how crappy his wife treated him, isolated him, and used him he still misses her but at least he’s moving on with his life.  He’s hanging out with his friends again, going on trips, etc.  I think what helped is talking to someone about it.  Get it off your chest.  And keep yourself busy.  Start doing hobbies you enjoy.  Perhaps start buying things for your apartment so instead of coming back to a place… You start feeling like you are coming back to your home.

I know you know this, but please, never contact him unless it’s through a lawyer.  A manipulative guy like that is best to stay away.  Especially since you start telling people what kind of person he really is… he’s more dangerous now than before.  

Post # 127
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

Bee, I hope you’re doing as OK as you can be, this is such a hard situation but every moment you carry on the abuse is going further into the past. I’m so sorry that your original post ended up being questioned after you didn’t update for a short time, but many other bees (myself included) really are behind you whenever you need support, lots of us randoms on this internet board do care and think you are so strong for doing everything you have done! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and letting each hour go by and the pain will start to weaken. Look after yourself bee xx

Post # 128
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

worthybee – a few thoughts:

1) You’re feeling! Do you know how many people shut down after abuse and trauma. How many people can’t allow themselves to feel because the feelings and the pain are too scary? The fact that you’re allowing yourself to feel, although extremely painful, is such a good sign! I’m so proud of you for being so brave!

2) Have you thought about exercise to help with your grief and anxiety? When I went through my divorce and was also in counseling for trauma, the gym helped me cope so much! I was able to sweat out my anger, anxiety, depression and stress. And it pumps you full of endorphins, which are amazing mood boosters. No need to force it if you’re not ready, but thought I’d share what helped me.

You’ve got this, bee!! I believe in you!!

Post # 129
Member
7680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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worthlessbee :  Dear Not Worthless Bee:  Hoping you’ve had a better day.  As another poster said, keep putting one foot in front of another.  Keep going, you’re making progress even if you are thinking that you aren’t.  

Post # 130
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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worthlessbee :  First off, I love you. You’re a badass and you’re strong and such a good example to other women going through this. I know you’re an internet person to me but sheesh, I think you’re fab.

Second, I’d love if you would keep updating us, if you’re comfortable doing that. I know you got burned last thread but know that we want to support you and we genuinely worry about you when you don’t update.

Finally I wanted to share something a therapist told me years ago in response to you saying you’re fighting the desire to meet with your husband. My therapist said of a toxic person in my life that I should communicate only to help me get what I needed off my chest but to never communicate needing something from the other person. You shouldn’t confront your husband for safety reasons but it might be cathartic for you to write a letter getting everything out and then burn it. What you can’t do is go to him needing him to give you words or closure or affection. He will never do that. Your happiness can’t hinge on the way anyone else feels about you or treats you. I think you are hurting and the lure to go to him for comfort is drawing you. You NEED comfort right now. He can’t be trusted to give it to you, so rely on your other support (friends/family) to fill that void.

Post # 131
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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Kings7911 :  Yes I wasn’t on The Bee for several days and I missed the doubters. OP I completely believe you! If it had anything to do with the moving quickly, I moved quickly here in Chicago before with some help from my parents when I had a sudden serious roommate crisis. I also got an apartment sublet in my college town in a few hours. I wasn’t abused in these two situations, just very unhappy. Like you OP, im very determined! Please do keep us posted. You are so inspiring and helpful.

 

Post # 132
Member
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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worthlessbee :  I was away due to a family emergency so I didn’t read the posts you’re talking about.  I hope you can ignore them.  I know what you’re going through and my heart goes out to you.  It’s hard to explain how numb and shocked and fogged up you feel being a victim of domestic violence to someone who’s never been through it.  It changes who you are as a person, at least temporarily.  And you’ve been a victim for a long time. 

The good news is you are on the road to recovery and healing now.  The path sometimes will be so hard to follow that all you’ll be able to do some days is walk forward and remind yourself to breathe.  Facing the fact that the one you loved so much is not who you believed he was is one of the most difficult things ever.  It is torturous.

There are so many friends here who believe in you, don’t let the negative or doubting voices keep you away.  I have no doubt about you at all, I just wish I could do more to help besides give heartfelt and encouraging words.  My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you.

Post # 133
Member
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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worthlessbee :  I just read your second update.  What you’re experiencing is PTSD.  I’m glad you’re getting therapy because it’s a serious condition.  I went through that after leaving my abuser, too.  It’s rough but time will help heal you.  What you are going through is actually harder than a death, in many ways.  It is a death, the death of your dream and your marriage.  You need to be gentle and kind with yourself and allow yourself time to heal.  I’m glad you are not letting him con you into taking him back.  He will probably try every trick in the book to hurt you.  Stay safe, my dear.

ETA:  I just read your third update.  My heart hurts for you, it brings back so many hard memories.  For the record, I adored and worshipped my abuser, too.  They encourage that because they’re psychopaths.   They want to hook you so you can’t get away.  They are not capable of real love or normal human emotions because their brains are truly wired differently.  There is a lot of science on this.  Evil people are different and they prey on the kindest, most loving, most beautiful and most vulnerable of us healthy, normal people.  Remember that!  He is not worthy of you.  Study up on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD); it helped me a lot to see that my abuser was actually very mentally ill, as yours is.  It will help you gain perspective.

Post # 134
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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leekissesme :  Girl it was a living hell, but luckily I was able to make it through all of that shit and now I’m 7 months married to the most amazing man that treats me like a princess. The scars are still there, mental and physical, they’re just not as noticeable any more. 

Post # 135
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You can do this bee- it will get better.

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