Peter and I started dating in February 2012. We saw each other about once a week, emailed each other or talked on the phone daily. Everything was amazing. We always had a great time and we really fell in love. Months later he asked me what kind of ring I would want and what my ring size was. I told him, never thinking that he would actually propose anytime soon. I thought it was cute that he would be gathering that kind of information so soon.
He proposed in July 2012 and I of course accepted and was so happy. I was a little bit underwhelmed with the ring, but didn’t care. But at the same time I felt like he didn’t “strive” to find an amazing ring for me. From the time he asked me what my ring size was to the proposal was only about three weeks. I felt cheated and like he didn’t feel that I was special enough to want to make the time/money investment into a perfect ring for me. I would describe that ring as a perfunctory version of what could have been my dream. Then all of a sudden he wanted to get married in August and I was like…what! Naturally this is a day that I looked forward to and wanted to be so special and I told him what is the rush?? He took it to mean that I wasn’t excited to marry him and I explained to him that it takes time to find the dress and make plans. Though we were intending to have a small wedding, I explained to him that even the bridal boutiques were telling me they needed 6 months to order my dress. He seemed really frustrated by this, but we ended up moving the date to October.
I found my dress and he was so sweet and offered to pay for it. One of the things I have always wanted to be is a mother. Well not this soon! He wanted to plan that by January we would start to try for children. This was after I pleaded with him to move it back because if he had his way it would have been in October.
Then I would say things went really bad. We went out. He locked eyes with another girl and did what I feel is so disrespectful. He not only said hello to her, but looked back at her while we were waiting for the elevator. I cried so hard over this and it was miserable at home for about a month
( I moved in with him after the proposal) because I couldn’t understand why he was so eager to get married to me, yet act that way. No, it’s not cheating, but he didn’t just “notice” a girl. He took the liberty of saying hello and then did a double take. To this day he denies it.
UGH….so our “blissful” state took a humongous nose-dive…
By moving in with him, it turned my commute from a 20 minute commute to an hour and a half commute. Plus, because my day had to accommodate the commute I changed my exercise routine from 5 days a week to 2. Exercise was really important to me and so it greatly affected me. Then I just started noticing that we would bicker about every little thing…including how I didn’t know how to cook for him. I’m an NYC girl so cooking truly is a foreign concept, but I’ve raised myself since I was 16 as my mother died from breast cancer…so instead of looking at my other attributes, he was comparing me to his mother who cooks all the time.
Mind you, I am writing this in March 2013…I didn’t meet his parents until November…to this day they don’t know we are engaged (another source of contention). During the holidays I didn’t wear my ring around them. Long story short: his parents are miserable together and they don’t try to hide it. His mom may cook…but she is a slave to it. It is so sad.
Anyway, I told him, because I have to hide the ring around certain people, I may as well never wear it. Now I never wear it. And though I never brought it up before, I came down on him so hard for the crap ring he got me.
A month before the wedding he told me he would give me a j. crew gift card. I saw something on their website perfect for the wedding so I asked him later about the card. Then he was like “uh I have to find it…why do you need the card…I don’t remember where I put it.” He made it seem like he was joking but I was so annoyed. I couldn’t contain myself and I had a breakdown of screaming and crying. Why did he have to play around with a j.crew gift card?
After that episode we went to couples counseling. At this same time he got pneumonia, which he blames me for because I screamed at him and he has zero tolerance for that. Well anyway…in counseling I learned how the screaming episode greatly affected him, but damn! Why was he so sensitive to that?
The counselor suggested we postpone the wedding. I didn’t want to. I felt if we love each other unconditionally we will have to learn to communicate better anyway so might as well get married. After two weeks of deliberating and leaving me dangling…not knowing what to tell work in terms of taking time off etc. and the sheer emotional stress of not knowing if I was simply going to have a wedding he “postponed”. More crying on my end. Plans cancelled. It was also just embarrassing.
I know I keep rambling but here is my point. Still no wedding date. I love him. But he seems more and more “short” with me as if he doesn’t ever want to set that date. I’m trying to figure out how to maintain my own dignity and spirit no matter if he and I will be together in happy matrimony. He also sees his parents almost daily…and that can’t be good for him. I feel desperate. Unlike myself who is generally happy looking forward to a brighter future. What should I do when I love him….but find our relationship to feel hopeless sometimes…
Thanks you guys…xoxo