(Closed) Would I be wrong to call off the wedding??

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You’re going to call off the wedding if he buys a 6K car? It kind of seems a little harsh and that maybe there are some other issues behind all this.. Sometimes I think we need to give our men a little breathing room to mess up, maybe he will realize it’s not a good idea after thinking more about your argument. Plus, if he was drinking last night it probably wasn’t the best time to be discussing it. I would address it again after you have both calmed down, he should be willing to compromise a little too.. Men just don’t get weddings, they will never understand it.

 

Post # 4
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mrskisstobe: I feel like him coming home and telling you he was thinking of buying the car WAS him discussing it with you first. I mean he didn’t show up WITH the car having just bought it.

It sounds like there might be deeper issues here if you are thinking of calling off the wedding over him wanting to buy a car.

Post # 5
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Boys will be boys…. I’m sorry to hear about this fight though!

My man and I often struggle about who thinks what is more “important.” I think the key here is that you need to calm down before you make any rash decisions. Take the time to really think about this situation. Finances are a huge obstacle in relationships and sometimes it just takes that little extra work to find a fine balance that you can both agree on.

What you need to look at right now is your realtionship with your man and your finances. If you two aren’t on an equal playing ground then it will be hard to move forward. If this is a one time thing then I would give it time to cool off before calling off the wedding.

Try having a converstion with your man in a calm, respectful mannor. If he’s still unwilling to compromise or discuss it with you then you have some thinking to do. My man annoys the hell out of me with stupid purchases, but often times it just takes a little explaining to get on the same page.

I hope this situation works out for you. Just remember calm minds make rational decisions. Don’t do anything you’ll regret because you didn’t take the time to think about it.

Post # 6
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I can feel where you are coming from, my guy has a serious need for toys, everything motorcycles, dirt bikes, 4 wheelers, boats, race cars. I mean seriously he has had/boughten/sold all of these in the 4 years we have been together. We are currently down to 1 motorcycle, 2 boats, 1 race car, and a riding lawn mower he likes to do wheelies on! Last night I look over at the computer screen and he’s looking at snowmobiles! I mean really!

I wouldn’t call off your wedding, but I would have a serious talk with your fi. We have a deal if he gets something new that’s a toy, he either has to pay cash for it, or sell/trade one of his other toys for it, and the one that usually get’s him is that there has to be a spot for it. I mean like an actual spot that it won’t be in the way, and it will be taken care of. As you can tell we have a lot of toys so that doesn’t leave much space for new ones!

I think you guys will work it out, and that when push comes to shove he won’t buy the car, but try siding with him a little bit on it, to make him understand that your not trying to control what he buys and what he is able to buy. I know dh would get defensive if I just flipped out and got into a fight about when he looks or thinks about a new toy. I usually just try to reason with him, and be logical, I mean really how much use is he going to get out of that car, and how much spare time does he really have to enter it into all the shows, and does he need to trailer it, how much is maintence, and how resellable is it? those might be good questions to ask him.

Best of luck! And trust me… boys will always love their toys, and we’ll always be trying to get rid of them! lol

Post # 8
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think when ya’ll are both cooled off ya’ll should talk about this again. WHen Fiance and I get in fights we have to walk off for a second and take a breather then come back and calmly talk about it. I dont think that’s a big enough reason to call off a wedding.

Post # 9
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

First off, you need to sit down and hash out what he doesn’t like about the wedding expenses (compromise a little).  If he’s interested in a new car, ask him to go out and start looking (join him in the search!).  I think that it’s dumb to waste a lot of money on wedding decorations {his point of view} OR on a shitty (I hate after market kit crap) car {your point of view}.

I should also say, if you’re willing to throw in the towel after a disagreement/argument, then you should probably think about how committed you both are to this relationship.

Post # 10
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Do you mean the wedding is off, or the marriage is off? And would you seriously go through with cancelling if he does buy the car?

I generally oppose ultimatums, but in this case, it might be necessary. I had to go through the same thing with my now husband- a big purchase he makes will affect me, and the same for what I buy, so we need to make those decisions together. I make less money than him and am also very frugal, while he’s pretty quick to throw down cash. This has caused some arguing, but we deal with it in that for anything huge, we have to decide together, if it’s under $1000 he can just go ahead and do it. $6,000 would definitely be above that threshold though, and when you consider he wants to drop $6K for an asset only worth $1500- that’s a problem.

I would not phrase it though, as buy this car, and the wedding is off. He’s going to think that A. you’re bluffing, and B. you’re not even married yet and you’re telling him what to do. You need to explain to him that $6,000 is a lot of money, and depending on how he’s going to pay for that (if he has $6000 cash to buy this then why isn’t he helping out more with your joint expenses?- and if he is taking out a small loan, he will be upside down on the asset) it does affect you and it is your business. If he is too immature or selfish to realize that, then he is probably not ready to be married. One major characteristic of marriage is that involves thinking about how all your decisions will affect another person, and taking their feelings into consideration. Hopefully he realizes that. Good Luck.

Post # 12
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

@mrskisstobe:  Maybe you should tell him to wait 3 months to buy this car, so it’s not an “impulse” purchase.

Post # 13
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I wouldn’t look at it as a kick in the face…try to see it as more of a power struggle. Maybe your man is having a hard time coming to terms with loosing some of his freedom? If that’s the case than just give it some space and some time. It’s completely normal for guys to go a little haywire when they are trying to get their priorities into perspective.

My man is the same way, “I want a bike, I want a boat, I want a snowmobile.” As much as it all pisses me off I just laugh to myself eventually because he sounds like a 5 year old!!

Maybe your man is also a little insecure about you contributing to the majority of the wedding? Maybe he’s trying to assert himself (even if this is a stupid way!).

Think about it from a couple of different angles before you keep dwelling on the negative. It might help you work through this!

Post # 14
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mrskisstobe: Are your finances currently combined? Are you combining them after the wedding? Have you discussed how much the wedding is going to cost and who’s paying for what?

Men really don’t understand how much wedding things cost, and some things at the wedding are probably not as important to him as they are to you (i.e. centerpieces and linens).

Currently my money is mine, FI’s is his and what we do with our funds is our own business as long as we aren’t getting ourselves into debt/affecting each other by not being able to pay our part of rent etc.

So if my Fiance really wanted the car and had an extra $5,000 to blow on it, I might question why he wanted it and see if there’s any additional laying around that could help with the wedding. But unless your finances ARE currently combines, it’d his money and he can do with it what he wants.

ETA: Just saw your post about him being an “impluse” purchaser. If that is the fact maybe that is the issue that you two need to sit down and discuss. Detach it from the current purchase he wants to make and talk about his pruchasing habits in general.

Post # 16
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

First of all, I too would be pissed. Especially since you’re basically paying for a larger share of the wedding and he’s out buying stupid stuff.

Secondly, if you want out, better to get out now than later. Once you’re married it will get a lot harder.

And lastly, I think this can be seen as just a very large bump in the road. Apparently you two need to sit down and talk finances. Fiance and I are paying for a large purchase together, so we occasionally have fights about what each other buys. You just have to know what’s over the limit, and it has to be stated clearly. $6,000 for a car when you already have two and a motorcycle is very clearly over the limit, but maybe you should spell it out for him :).

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