(Closed) Would it KILL my mother to be happy for me?!

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Go to walmart and strut the fact that you guys just got engaged, like when you hand the cashier your cash, flash your ring, people will ask, you’ll get compliments out the wazooo!! When I got engaged all my roomie, and I thought best friend could do was whine about it! I realize that a mother+5 other women is a totally dif deal, but I had to tell myself, I’m happy for me, everyone else is happy for me, this is a super exciting time and NO one is going to bring me down! Live in the moment with your finace! Go out to eat and tell the waiter he JUST popped the question and that your celebrating, everyone in the world is excited for you, get out there and dwell in it! It will make you feel 10x’s better!

Post # 4
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

p.s. CONGRATS !!!! and happy happy wedding planning! πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

(Enter older woman with different perspective):

I think your Mother’s approach sucks. However, I also think that she is trying to look out for you, and make sure you get out there and have experiences before settling down. Her approach might be wrong, but she is right!

You are very young. It’s good that you are going to wait the three years, but even THEN, you will be very young. You should definitely experience some things before you tie the knot. Traveling is a wonderful idea! It doesn’t mean you can’t do so together.

Most people who marry at your age don’t make it. I’m not saying you won’t, everyone is different! Some people do make it, but it’s certainly slimmer. I am so not the person I was at your age! People eiterh luck out and grow together, or grow in different directions, and I think not having some life experiences makes it even  more dificult to keep things going. She wants to make sure that you go into the marriage with no regrets of not having done some things. Right now, you’re head over heels and that is a wonderful feeling but it also means that you likely have some blinders on (we all do, part of being in love!), and what you feel right now may change into something quite different later (could be even better)! But you do not want to put yourself in a position where everytime you argue or have a difficulty in the road, you wonder what could have been.

She’s looking out for you, she’s just not good at it.

And you should go and read mightywombats “public service announcement” post!

Post # 7
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

you can do all those things with a husband πŸ™‚ Fiance and I have traveled A LOT and hope to do A LOT more traveling in the future, before having kids…. i think waiting 3 years is a great idea especially at such a (i know you hate to hear it ” young ” ) age and you would think that would give your mother some comfort. but when you know its right you just have to go for it! right? I understand her concerns but really when you make that choice to be married it is no longer your mothers concern – you and Fiance get to start your own family with your own traditions. Im not a religious person but this quote always sticks out in my mind:

Matthew 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”

Meaning – the two of you start your own life together – His parents, your parent, grandparents, friends and extended family dont get a say in how you proceed with your life –  you can take their opinions and advice if you desire but ultimately from this point on you must concentrate on your relationship and not worry too much about others opinions on the matter.

Post # 9
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@Miss Fish: I didnt mean it as just being for your mother – sorry if it sounded that way. i think its a great decisions on your part to wait a little while – at least until you can see the end of school in site but i thought maybe that would give your mother some comfort knowing you arent just running off and getting married – she should be proud of you I am proud of you πŸ™‚ – those are very grown up decisions to make.

Enjoy being engaged – as excited as i am to get married the engagement stage is so exciting and it will all be over in a month! dont get me wrong i cannot wait to be married and be a wife – i have looked forward to that rather than my actually wedding for so long but engagement is great – the anticipation is so much fun – and lounging in the love you give one another is the best. Enjoy every moment πŸ™‚

 

Post # 10
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with menobride that your mother’s approach sucks… but I think her heart is in the right place, and she is just worried about you.  My advice to you is to enjoy your relationship and being engaged.  Once your mother sees that you are not sacrificing anything, I’m sure she’ll change her tune and be happy for you.

Post # 11
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Life doesn’t stop just because you get married.  You can still do all those things, albeit with more sacrifice  Maybe she’s worried that you are not ready for the emotional/mental investment and commitment that comes with marriage? idk.  Good luck dealing with her, I’m sure she will come around.

 

Also, marriage does not equal kids.  There is plenty of technology that (if used correctly) will allow you to control this.  I find a lot of time older generations think that as soon as you get married you will be pregnant within 2 years and then you will have to put your education and dreams on hold.  Tell her you dont want a baby (if you actually dont)

Post # 12
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sure it sucks to get negative feedback so soon into your engagement, but I bet once she sees you not doing what every other woman in the family has done (i.e., finishing college, etc.), she will come around.

Although its hard, try not to take what your mom said personally. You said yourself – there is a family history of early pregnancies and marriages/relationships not entirely built on love/respect. That’s her whole experience, and it sounds like she desperately wants you to have better than she did. I agree she didn’t go about it the right way, but I bet she didn’t mean to be mean.

 

Post # 14
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’ve done more traveling with the hubs in the 6.5 years we’ve been together, then my parents have in their entire lives!! Traveling is really important to us, and we don’t plan on having kids, so we are using extra money for traveling and entertainment.  It also helps that we get incentive trips through my work, so I’m hoping that a lot of the trips we will be taking will be free πŸ™‚ 

Don’t let your mom get you down, she is getting used to a whole new dynamic that she knows nothing about. She will come around eventually…

Post # 16
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think you need to tell your mom to stop trying to save you from the life she chose. Why can’t you travel with your fiance? This may sound weird, but I do more traveling as a married woman than I ever did single.I understand your mom is trying to protect you, but it’s a long engagement and you obviously have your head on straight. I’d ask her to be happy for you and ignore any negativity.

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