(Closed) Would this bother you?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would this bother you?
    Yes- there is no reason to hold onto things from a prior relationship : (32 votes)
    24 %
    No- you sound insecure and jealous : (100 votes)
    76 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    337 posts
    Helper bee

    Yes it would bother me, but not enough to start a huge fight with him or refuse to bring it. The most I would do is tell him it annoys me in a non-confrontational way, and perhaps make jokes to him about something “accidentally” happening to it. 

    You said yourself the relationship they had wasn’t much, so I would just remind yourself that it was a river and you’re the ocean 😉

    Post # 32
    Member
    1147 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    daisylover77:  hmm no. It’s an inanimate object. If your relationship is going to derail someday, this will not be the reason or even a contributing factor.

    Totally disagree there is never a reason to hang on to things. I have some amazing enlarged canvas photographs I took on European vacays funded by an ex…designer bags and shoes….things there is no way I would want to give up just because an ex purchased them. Hell one ex bought my breast implants… certainly not getting rid of those!

    I would be quite bothered if husband couldn’t summon the security needed to let me keep things I value and enjoy for reasons completely unrelated to the person who gave them to me. I never even think of my ex anymore when i see any of these things.

    At the end of the day it’s all just “stuff” and doesn’t have any meaning unless meaning is assigned to it by the owner. If your guy is assigning special meaning to it that related to her, then you have a problem. If he isn’t, but you still want to police the situation…then you are creating the problem.

    Post # 33
    Member
    231 posts
    Helper bee

    I’d accidentally drop it or find a special place for it in the dark corner of a basement.

    The problem with a picture elsewhere is a possible constant reminder of another woman. It’s not like an old photo in the bottom of a desk drawer that is seen once a year or never again.

    Post # 34
    Member
    457 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

    polyblonde:  +1000! Even if he has assigned special meaning to it, at best it might just be the fact that she’s a good artist and he valued the thought/effort of the gift. But you’ve got to let sleeping dogs lie. 

    Good art/paintings are NOT cheap. If it looks nice, I’d have no problem keeping it. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    1147 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    emilypaige:  right?!?! I really feel like if your relationship is truly so precarious that the mere presence of an object, meaningful relic or not, could affect it at all, then you’ve got much bigger problems to address than how to accidently destroy the object or get the person to trash it.

    “Reminders” of exes can occur any time any place….removing gifts from the premises won’t change that. If an ex is an issue, the problem is with the person not the object 

    Personally I’m thankful for everything that went down in my husbands past because it shaped him into the incredible man he is today. I don’t consider neutral reminders of his past negative or threatening.

    Look at the big picture, people. (No pun intended, ha)

    Post # 36
    Member
    1017 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Let him keep it… it’s a painting…  unless it’s of her naked body which we know now that it isn’t, I don’t see the big deal.  I think it would be odd if he wanted to throw away a piece of art from an ex.  She spent time on it and it is special.  Unless that ex was totally psycho and really hurt him, then I’d find it weird lol

    I have stuff from exes, doesn’t mean I still think of them romantically.  But they are thoughtful gifts and I wouldn’t get rid of them.

    Post # 37
    Member
    4698 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

     

    emilypaige:  Yeah, the only reason I’d toss a painting was if it was ugly. Things are just things. 

    Post # 38
    Hostess
    3832 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    I probably don’t have the most popular perspective but…I love the fact that SO’s past has made him who he is.  I appreciate the women who have helped shape him.  His first love who he dated for years while becoming an adult played a pretty big role in who he has become today.  Those girls he dated and realized qualiteis in them that he didnt’ care for, so he was careful when dating again to make sure his new partners didn’t those.  Everyone has played a part in creating the character of the man I love NOW in this moment.  So if he has a “thing” from any of those women, some kind of momento, it wouldn’t bother me one bit.  Why would I want him to erase the fact completely that YES, he has loved others before me?  I love how he loves, I love that he feels so strongly, and I appreciate the fact that there have been others before me.  I am here now, and hopefully I will be in the future (that is the plan!) but it wouldn’t affect me negatively to know about women who have been there in the past.  He is a good man, he is deserving of great love, and I am happy with the path that has brought him here to me.  I would hang the painting proudly.  Unless it was ugly 😉 

    Post # 39
    Member
    1147 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    desertgypsy:  yes!! I love the way you put all of that and totally agree. Ironically, had your partner NOT had some of those experiences, you may not have ended up together! It’s silly to be threatened by reminders of the past when the past is intrinsically linked with who a person is and how he ended up crossing your path in the first place.  

    Post # 40
    Member
    2132 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Ask if you can give it to goodwill and choose a new piece together. 

    Post # 41
    Hostess
    3832 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    polyblonde:  Yep!  The sum of past experiences put us right where we are today, both the positives and the negatives.  So I need to be thankful for the girl who was his first love and built him up and was a great partner and those girls who told him his truck was ugly and wouldn’t go out with him haha!  Everyone has a role that develops the person you have now and I wouldn’t change (or hide!!!) a thing. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    This is a tough one, OP. It would be one thing if it was just a painting she bought for him, but the fact she painted it herself would probably bother me. It wouldn’t necessarily mean that he’s holding on to it for sentimental reasons-he might just like it-but if it bothers you, I do think it’s worth mentioning. 

    I would be careful though to not come across as if you’re accusing him of holding on to it for any reason other than he likes the painting. It doesn’t need to turn in to a fight. You can just say something like “I know you probably just like the way the painting looks, but I can’t get over the fact that it was painted for you by your ex. Am I being silly?” That will open up a conversation and maybe you’ll feel better about it after he explains. Maybe you can compromise and put it in a room you rarely use, or maybe he won’t really mind getting rid of it? It’s always best to talk it through. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    88 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: March 2016

    I get why it might bother you, but I don’t think guys, in general, attach the same level of emotional sentiment to objects that we tend to. To him, it’s probably just a painting of some nice scenery. Also the fact that he can look at it pragmatically, and not get rid of everything from her, shows a level of maturity. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    7850 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I totally agree with PP’s who are saying they appreciate their partner’s past because it made them who they are. That is fabulous; I feel the same way. But that doesn’t necessarily mean I would want a reminder of it on the wall of my living room. If my Fiance was the type of guy who didn’t attach sentiment to objects, then I’d probably let it go, but he’s not, and I’m not either. It would be really fucking bizarre and out of character for him to hold onto something like that, as it would for me. 

    My point is, different people have different approaches to this sort of thing. Some people (I am in this camp) have to immediately throw out every object that reminds them of their ex, whereas others can easily compartmentalize that kind of thing; an object is just an object. One approach is not inherently better than the other; they’re just different.

    What matters is WHY your bf wants to keep that painting. If he simply likes the painting for aesthetic reasons, then fine. If on the other hand, he’s keeping it cause for some reason he LIKES being reminded of his ex all the time….well, fuck, that wouldn’t fly with me. Figure out which it is and proceed accordingly.

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