(Closed) Would this bother you?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee

I definitely agree that the boyfriend should have spoken up before or during, but I also think that your sister should have offered to help in some way.  Sounds to me like communication is an issue.

My SO insists on doing all of the shoveling, but that never stops me from offering to help every single time.  

Post # 17
Member
2504 posts
Sugar bee

When was her surgery? If it was recent, then he’s being ridiculous and insensitive. If it’s not so recent and she was given the clear to return to normal activity, then she shouldn’t use that as an excuse. And ghey could have taken turns with the one shovel. Of course asking for help in the first place is better than complaining after the fact. In any case, this seems like such a minor incident in a relationship and I don’t think you need to get worked up over it on your sister’s behalf. 

I will also say, this kind of domestic division of labor dispute isn’t really grounds to say one person is right or wrong without knowing more context. Like, if Fiance made an internet post about how his fiance recently yelled at him for his attempt to “clean the bathroom” (spraying bleach spray in the shower area only, without scrubbing or doing anything else about the rest of the bathroom!), I bet people would say I was out of line. But me losing my temper about something minor like that is usually the result of me feeling like I’m at the end of my rope because of a pattern of feeling like I’m doing more around the house and like I have to tell him every step of what to do if I want it to get done properly. I am normally a rage-y person but this stuff makes me ragey. And I HAVE tried to talk to him calmly about the fact that I want him to do more and that I’d like him to notice when things need to get done rather than waiting for me to ask. My point is, I do wonder whether this guy just has a short temper, or if this is a culmination of feeling unappreciated or feeling like he does more around the house? 

Post # 18
Member
7417 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

“I used to help shovel and I would offer but now my husband does it for both of us since he WANTS to. He doesn’t want me to have to shovel outside in the wet and cold. “

That’s great. But just because someone doesn’t want to shovel by themselves doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. I also don’t want my husband out in the cold and wet longer than necessary so I help him. 

It’s childish of him to complain after the fact but if I was your sister and was healed from the hernia (I haven’t seen if you said how long ago that was) I absolutely would have offered to help in some way. Then again, I expect my husband to help clean and cook unless he is busy doing some other chore. Maybe we just split duties differently but if your sister wants to clearly define their roles, she should have that conversation.

Post # 19
Member
420 posts
Helper bee

shovelling snow is a giant pain in the butt, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he was in a bad mood and acted more harshly then he normally would have. If this isn’t his normal attitude, then I’d give him a pass and move on. Also, she could have done SOMETHING to help, like scrape the snow off the windows or something. If he was out there working while she was in her pjs sipping cocoa, I could see why he’d be angry. 

Post # 20
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

We recently had probably the same amount of snow, and I hate shoveling, that doesn’t mean I didnt spend an hour out there cleaning our driveway and sidewalk ( I only actually did like 1.5 bays of our driveway), and when my fiance got home he did the rest. Shoveling snow sucks, for everybody, not just for women. 

Post # 22
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

LilliV :  yeah I’m with you.  She should have offered to help.    You don’t both have to shovel at the same time.  But you can share the work.  He should have asked if he wanted help. As for the hernia, if it was like a couple months ago maybe, but otherwise I’m guessing she doesn’t have lift restrictions. She should apologize, ask him to ask next time and move on.

Post # 23
Member
4663 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I know it’s not the done thing to say on International Women’s Day but I think Fiance would see it as his responsibility.  But then he always does what I call “yard work”, he loves being handy.

Post # 24
Member
916 posts
Busy bee

Frankly, I feel like there’s different levels to this situation. In one consideration, if she does a majority of the cleaning and cooking, then if they created this as the system, it could work. As an example, I typically do majority of the cleaning in our apartment. But I actually enjoy cleaning and have a pretty high standard for what’s clean and what isn’t, so I take it into my own hands. Because of that, SO cleans the things I don’t want to do (shower and toilet) and always takes the trash out. I don’t think I’ve taken it out in the 9 months we’ve been living here. But he also hasn’t picked up the Swiffer in the 9 months of us being here, so it evens out. 

Personally, SO wouldn’t have to ask for help. I would offer it. You say that your SO does it because he doesn’t want you to be out in the wet and cold. But did you ever consider that he might also not want to be out there? I don’t know, I feel like shoveling the snow is much harder than vaccuming or other ‘inside’ chores. You’re out against the weather and, hell, snow is heavy! So I’d feel really, really guilty if SO was out there by himself. So I’d offer to help and if he doesn’t want it, cool.

You sister’s SO could have been more honest up front, but she also should have offered. 

Post # 25
Member
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I hate shoveling snow and when I lived in snowy places I always managed to come up with an excuse to go inside as quickly as possible (“I’ll make us all some hot chocolate!” “I have to use the bathroom really quickly.”) but I was also a child, not a grown woman living in my own home with a partner. I agree that your sister’s previous hernia surgery is not an excuse to get out of doing crappy chores once she has recovered. Especially considering the fact that it was EIGHT INCHES!

Her boyfriend should have said something to her earlier if he wanted her to help. But she also should have offered. It’s not that hard to go knock on a neighbor’s door and politely ask to use their shovel so her boyfriend doesn’t have to be outside shoveling all of the snow all by himself.

Post # 26
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

 

MrsGirlyGirl :  I think that you meant to say that you use your husband as a sounding board, i.e you talk to him and you find his response to your thoughts useful and insightful.

Using him as spring board implies that you get him to lie on the floor and that you then jump on him in order to launch yourself into the air. 🙂

Your sister should probably use her moany boyfriend as a spring board. 

Post # 27
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee

Not all men want to shovel.  I think it’s odd to assume that since your BF/FI/DH wants to shovel, that ALL men would want to do it for their partners.

All relationships are different and it’s about communicating what you both need/want/expect out of the relationship that will help in these situations.

Post # 29
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

No, I would be more annoyed if I was the Boyfriend or Best Friend. I don’t understand your logic that her bf “should want to do that for her” wouldn’t that mean that she should also want to do it for him? 

Post # 30
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

When was her surgery? If stitches are gone and she’s been cleared medically, that’s not a good reason to duck out of a particularly tedious chore.

And no, shoveling the driveway does not equal to cooking/dishes/laundry or ALL of the above. It’s a lot more tiring and gruelling, thankless job.

It being International Womens’ Day, I feel the need to say feminism should be about equality and should work both ways, if I expect my SO to be out there shoveling, he has every right to expect me to be right next to him doing the same. And if he won’t let me help shovel (documented medical history of spinal issues), then I’ll be salting the driveway and pavement right behind him. 

She should have offered, he should have asked if he wanted help – poor communication on both sides. But the assumption that it’s a man’s job to clear the snow is frankly as backward as the idea of the kitchen being strictly a woman’s domain. I expect help with dishes, he can expect help with yard work.

And yes, as a Canadian, I’ve shoveled my fair share of snow. Oh, and a lesson I learned a long time ago was to never tell your family or friends about all the tiny little issues in your relationship (big things like abuse etc. of course should be shared so family/friends can help); because you might forgive your SO, your family/friends will not. Problems within a relationship should stay within the relationship or discussed with a neutral therapist. Sounding off on someone who is clearly biased towards one individual or the other is always a terrible idea.

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