(Closed) Would this bother you or am I crazy?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@cutiepatootie:  I think you should try to focus on the positives here. Every time an ex has propositioned him, he’s told them to get lost. That tells me you’ve got a good guy.

One thing I’m wondering is: did you have insecurity/trust issues before you found out about the first ex contacting him? If so, then he probably just handled it himself and kept it from you because he didn’t want you to feel hurt or anxious.

I think you’re right to be upset about the second ex though. He should be allowed to stay friends with her, but he shouldn’t lie to you about how close they are. If she lives nearby, it’s also kinda strange that he hasn’t introduced you to her.

Bottom line is IMO you need to talk to him and tell him that you are working to overcome your insecurities and you really need him to communicate openly with you about things like this. Tell him that even if he thinks he’s protecting you by not telling you about the exes, it’s actually making things worse.

Post # 4
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Dang how many exes does this guy have?? haha. He seems like he’s being pretty honest with you, I mean as long as you don’t have any previous trust issues with the guy I wouldn’t worry about it. Just talk to him about the exes and maybe even make a joke or two about it …hopefully that will lead into some serious conversation about your ex anxiety and what he can do to make you feel better about it (which he will, if he is truly over those exes and in love with you). 

Post # 5
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I can see why you’re feeling insecure and anxious. He has had quite a parade of exes. Men look at these things very differently than we do.

Here’s a story: 4 years ago when I first met my (now) husband, I was separated & awaiting final divorce decree after a 25 year marriage. I was raw from years of emotional abuse, lying and trusted no one… and I had no intention of being in a relationship – especially with a man 15 years younger. However, once I finally agreed to meet him it was his honesty & intelligence that came through loud and clear. We connected in a way I never expected and spent every weekend together falling in love pretty quickly. He was totally single but had had an FB off and on for 3 years. After we were very involved, she came out of the woodwork and started an incredible event..IMing him & sometimes pretending to be someone else, telling him someone had committed suicide because of him – it was crazy and awful. He was totally shaken by this and hid it from me for several weeks. He tried to make it go away but she started stalking his house and, seeing my car there, threatened to involve me in her craziness. He hadnt told me that she was contacting him and he became afraid of what she might do to me and what I might do if I knew he was talking to her at all. When he confessed all of this I told him I’d had enough drama in my life and he could clean up his mess with her then contact me again. However, he was so freaked out by her actions and terrified of losing me that he told her he was going to the police, documenting all her crazy emails and asked me to stand by him ( at a safe distance)while he fixed this. We solved it together and she went away. It was great that he told me about it and I had to trust him when I asked if she was contacting him anymore.

I’d advise you to trust your husband. He seems to be coming clean with you about these exes. Please don’t ask him to alienate his ex that is now a friend. I have several exes I’m still friends with and they give me great advice on men. She may actually benefit you by being in his life. Try to get past your insecurities. He’s married to YOU, he tells YOU about his exes and he needs YOU to be supportive. If he’s not giving you any other vibe that makes you think he’s unfaithful, you need to trust him. Insecurity is NOT ATTRACTIVE and his not telling you about some things doesn’t seem to be anythig more than him handling things like guys do.

Post # 6
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow your husband is hard to get over! Joke aside, I think you should continue to work on self-confidence and trust. I had a similar issue when I was first dating Darling Husband. His ex contacted him and even asked him to invite her to our wedding. She desperately wanted to meet me (WEIRD) and I for a long time felt very insecure. Now, I know that I can trust him because he’s shown me that he loves me. Focus on your relationship and what makes it work because obviously he lacked something you have in his other relationships. 

Post # 7
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

First, no it wouldn’t bother me – he handled it in a drama free way. Why upset you by telling you if he could just nip it in the bud and deal with it. 

Second, yes this probably would bother me the frequency they were talking. If they were purely platonic friends that you met and spent time with great, if not then no it seems a bit inappropriate. However, he cut off contact with her, so problem solved I think he showed he respected you and your feelings.

Trust is vital in a relationship. Listen to your gut – what is it telling you? Is it telling you he is hiding something or is it telling you you’re making molehills into mountains?

To me, it doesn’t seem like he has done anything shady to betray your trust. He seems to respect your feelings about his contact with exes and addresses the situation appropriately.  Only you can answer the question if you trust him though. A relationship without trust cannot work.  

If these exes are contacting him via Facebook, maybe it’s a good idea for him to block them so they can’t search for him?  I’m not really sure what else to do, other than work through your own issues and maybe you guys could have a session or two of couples thearpy – however from what it sounds like he’s not really doing anything that would warrant him needing counseling.  

I understand being a control freak the need to control every situation in your life.  If he’s going to cheat though, he’s going to do it no matter what you do to prevent it.  If you’re trying to control that situation and it’s not even a possibility he’d ever do that to you, your mistrust over nothing will surely ruin the relationship.  No one wants to feel like their SO doesn’t trust them – it’s a terrible feeling both on you and on your SO.

Best of luck. I hope you can overcome your anxiety to have a truly happy and fulfilling relationship.  life is too short not to enjoy every second you have.

Post # 8
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Jesus…his exes dont go away do they!!

The good thing here is that every time they have come around, he has ignored them, pushed them away or maintained only a friendly relationship. So i actually think you should be a little happier about things. Obviously he is such a nice guy that his exes miss him or whatever. But he has maintained his faithfullness from what he has told you and tried to protect your feelings by keeping them away and out of your relationship. 

So keep going to your counselling, i think this has ALOT to do with your anxiety (which is often connected with depression) and its best to focus on making a positive change within yourself. 

Good luck!

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