- 8 years ago
Hi, I’m really needing some perspective. I need to know if how I’m feeling is ‘normal’, if this would make you upset or not, and how I can move past it & forgive. I’ve been married about a year and a half now. When my DH and I were first dating we both talked about how important honesty and trust were to both of us. I have a hard time trusting anyone but one thing that drew me to him was he was so open to me about himself and his life when we got together. Over the months I felt we were close and would tell each other everything. After we got engaged I found (from DH) that his previous ex-girlfriend had been contacting him the whole time we were dating. She had texted him, called him, and emailed, trying to get back together with him. He never told me about this when it was happening! I don’t even know why he finally did tell me but he said he hadn’t been trying to deceive me ~ he said all his life that’s how he deals with things, on his own, and he felt he handled it without causing us drama. He said he told her flat out he was involved with someone new and not to contact him again. He said she didn’t respect that and kept the contact but he would just erase her texts/messages and ignored it until he finally changed his ph#. This went on for the first 3 months we were together. I felt betrayed that he never once mentioned to me this was going on! If an ex of mine was trying to come back in the picture I would certainly tell him about it. So, that’s my first question ~ would this bother you?
Next, he had another ex he was still friends with, someone he’d dated many years ago and who is now happily married and has a family. When we got serious he asked if I’d have a problem with them staying in touch & that they only talked on the phone about every six months. I said no problem. I found out after we were married that they’d been talking much more frequently, on a weekly basis (sometimes even daily), and he had shared a lot about our relationship with her (about how he was going to propose, where we were at, etc). I again felt surprised and taken off guard because he’d never talked to her in front of me & by that time we were living together. I didn’t understand why there was an increase in contact over the months and why he never mentioned it to me or had me talk to her to meet her. The way I found out about this was she called one time while we were together. So, would this bother you? We got into an argument over it and he broke off the contact with her.
Yet another ex sent him a message on facebook, saying she was in town and wanted to hook up. We had each other’s facebook access so I saw it and told him and he wrote to her and said he’s married, don’t contact him again. This wasn’t anything he did or cause but I felt like, not another ex coming out of the woodwork!
He also had run ins with yet another ex who worked at the same place. She was a ‘booty call’ when he was single ~ they had briefly dated but it didn’t work out. After that they would just hook up for sex now and then. By the point I learned of this my anxiety was really bad and I worried if we had problems or issues what would happen if they ran into each other and she suggested a one night stand? Thankfully she no longer works there.
Lastly, yet one more ex from his past (from years ago) has come back into the picture. She looked up his information and recently used our address to try to avoid getting her car repossessed. We just bought our house this past year and they broke up 6 years ago, so why would she bother looking up his info online and using it?
I know I have issues with trust and anxiety. I’m going to counseling and I’m trying to work on myself. I just feel so much anxiety in my marriage. I don’t trust my DH because I feel although he hasn’t outright lied to me he has omitted important information in the past and to this day he doesn’t think he did anything wrong by not telling me about things when they happened. I feel there have been way too many exes that have come up in our relationship and it’s made me feel very insecure. I don’t know if I’m overreacting and I should just trust him and hope it’s all going to finally stay in the past or if I have a reason to feel this way. What do you think? Would these things upset you? How do I forget them and move on? I hate feeling so insecure and suspicious. 🙁