Post # 1
I promise it’ll be quick.
Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays.
As I’ve mentioned, my mom is grieving the loss of her father and is not willing to do any kind of celebrating so sadly we cannot make any plans with her for Thanksgiving or the Winter Holidays. My father is working in the ER. They live 3 days away by car and $2,000 away by plane. My brother who lives 6 hours away from her will sit with her that day, but there will be no dinner of any kind.
My husband and I got married in spring of this year and it was very sad that there would be no holidays at my mom’s.
I contacted my Mother-In-Law to casually inquire what their holiday plans might be. She had already made plans to spend them with her daughter and her fiance at their new home in the city they live in. She didn’t make any motion to invite us and her daughter and fiance also have mentioned to us that these are their plans and also have made no motion to invite us – both couples simply asked us what our plans were.
They had also already made their plans for Christmas with this couple and some of my MIL’s family. The family that is invited are people my husband cannot be in the same room with (divorce issues.)
I feel like something is amiss here… is it normal for someone to make all their plans without any thought to one of their kids? Place yourself in this situation (assuming you like your in-laws) – would this have irked you at all?
I don’t know if I should be annoyed or not. I wasn’t counting on them having room for us in their plans, but I’m just surprised they were all booked and that none of them thought of us – not my Mother-In-Law, SIL or anyone.
Edit: I asked my mom what she thought and she said that she found it to be acceptable. In her view, newlyweds are expected to be left alone for their first holidays. I don’t know if my Mother-In-Law feels the same way or not.
I’m really trying not to overreact… but the more I think about it, the more it’s starting to bother me……….keep cool, Mellie… keep cool.
Post # 3
I can’t imagine my family or fiance’s not wanting us at the holidays! That’s really selfish of them :(.
Post # 4
yeah seriously, I think that’s pretty rude to not include you, or at least think about what you guys are doing for the holidays. Is there any reasoning you think that this is going on?
Post # 5
Yeah I do think that is very weird. Both my parents and my in-laws were almost fighting to have us attend their holiday festivities. LOL. We are doing Thanksgiving with his parents and Christmas with mine. My parents are going to my older sister’s house to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family, but they definitely made sure to let us know that we were included. I find it really odd that his family is behaving like that. I personally think the holidays are all about family and having as much family together as possible. Sorry you are dealing with this, hope everything gets worked out with both of your families!!
Post # 6
@MrsSl82be: Trying to be really fair, the only reason I can see is that they didn’t think we would be able to fly down to get together with them. But why didn’t they ask?
The SIL doesn’t enjoy the holidays, but if she were the hostess and organizer, what would be an innocent reason why we wouldn’t be invited?
I asked my husband and his mother never mentioned a single thing about Thanksgiving to him and still hasn’t. If I hadn’t emailed her to find out what as going on, we actually wouldn’t even know what was up!
So, I have no idea. We’ve often felt like she treats her daughter better than she treats her son, but I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one, which is why I’m asking you Bees if this sounds weird. I’m trying to find innocent reasons for this.
For Christmas, it’s slightly different because they made their plans with their family, which they have the right to do, and they forget (like they do every year) that my husband does not care for these people. So, we’re odd men out. But, she hasn’t extended the offer to make any other plans outside of those with her family, so I am still confused.
Post # 7
Our families are trying to plan around one another so we can celebrate with everyone. Granted we are 30 mins from in-laws and only 3 hrs from my parents, but we are seeing both for both holidays, despite being just married. And my Brother-In-Law and SIL are doing the same. I’d be very po’d to not get invitations from family.
Post # 8
I’m not sure you’ll be able to find innocent motives on this one :(. There’s no reason they couldn’t celebrate with you on Christmas Eve or a few days (weeks, whatever) before.
My grandmother likes her daughter a lot better than she likes her son, and it never really ‘gets better.’ If your Mother-In-Law is anything like her, it would be best to just start your own family traditions. I hate it when parents favor one child, and I’m so sorry that that’s happening to you!
Post # 9
due to our schedule and Darling Husband working at the hospital we have been forced to celebrate alone this holiday season. I wish it wasn’t so but we’ll live. So will you. It’s not ideal but make it special with you and friends!
Post # 10
IF they live so far away from you, they probably just didn’t assume you’d be joining them, and if you haven’t made the effort to ask/mention that you were planing on coming, why would they assume?
Have you done the holidays before as a couple? Were they usually spent with your family? What were past arrangements? Just because you are now married doesn’t mean they will change the way they plan for family holidays, they probably assumed it would be the same as last year.
Also, I know in many families it can seem like mom/daughter relationship is treated better than mom/son, but in all fairness she probably talks to her mom more than he does, so she gets her plans and needs out there first.
Post # 11
@Rgeddy: We will certainly try to make it special for just the two of us.
Post # 12
I really like all of my In-laws and from what I know they all like me too, so I can’t easily imagine a situation where we would be left out. If my Mother-In-Law said that they planned on going to CA for the holidays to be with my Brother-In-Law (DH’s only sibling) I wouldn’t be offended at all, I would just assume it was their turn for some parental attention. And I know for sure we would be welcome also if we wanted to come, but not made to feel bad if we didn’t.
Since it’s your DH’s family, if I were you I would encourage my Darling Husband to decide what he wanted to do and I’d just go along with it. Leaving out a sibling from holiday plans is like a crime against humanity, I would be really hurt if my sister hosted Tgiving and I wasn’t invited. but I would expect my Darling Husband to just support me in whatever decision I made and second how I felt about it. Hope that helps!
Post # 13
This is totally the way our families work. My husband and I haven’t been included in holiday plans with either of our families for a few years now. My parents kinda make their plans themselves; if they want to come to our house for Thanksgiving they ask, but otherwise we just assume they’re going somewhere else/doing something else we aren’t included in. My in-laws are about a 16 hour car ride from where we live, so it’s just assumed we aren’t spending the holidays with them, either.
What have your in-laws done in the past? Have they always included you or invited you in their holiday plans? If so, it would seem a little weird they’re not including you this year… Can you subtly hint that you’d like to see them over the holidays? You could say something like, “Oh, we were really hoping to see you around Christmas.” Maybe they just thought you two would like to be alone this year as your first Thanksgiving/Christmas married and they didn’t want to intrude. 🙂
Post # 14
@Miss Peach Tree: Thanks for replying! I asked her what her plans were well in advance (it wasn’t this week or anything) in order to feel her out. I thought it was early enough where she wouldn’t have had any plans and I could suggest some, but as soon as she told me she was all planned, I didn’t say much.
Her daughter does not live in her town – they live 9 hours driving away. So, yes, closer than us but maybe not that close.
I have never spent Thanksgiving at their home before – they never allowed their son to spend it with my family either. We always had to spend it with our respective families. I’m not sure anymore whether I wasn’t invited or what the dynamic was but I do not know that I have never broken bread with them at the holidays. But, with respect to her son, he has always been at her table so this is different.
Post # 15
I would be royally pissed off, but then again, my family is big on getting together for holidays. I can’t imagine a parent not making any effort to find out what their child is doing on Thanksgiving or Christmas or make any effort to invite them.
Of course, from prior posts your Mother-In-Law sounds like a nightmare anyways.
Post # 16
One more little piece is that the daughter and fiance are getting married right after the holiday season. Due to my husband’s work, we cannot attend and will be missing a very large family, reunion, and extended vacation and will be one of the few missing.
I don’t know if this plays a factor – it rules out the possibility that the mother wants to see the daughter because she hasn’t seen her in a while – she saw her recently and will spend a vacation with her very soon.
She has not seen her son since their wedding – maybe she’s ok with that? In a neutral way?