Post # 1
I will admit right from the start that I have major trust issues because of infidelity that has happened in my family’s past that directly effected me (doesn’t involve DH). I often have insecurities that are easily triggered. I am seeking help for my issues with a counselor.
I noticed Darling Husband was texting someone a lot this morning, so I asked who he was talking to. He answered “Amy(name changed for privacy) from bible study.” So it’s a girl from bible study that he goes to at work and she is a coworker. I’m assuming they worked together yesterday (shift work) and that they were talking at work. The texting triggered my insecurities. Darling Husband does and always has had female friends, and he’s a friendly guy in general. I don’t struggle when I know the girls he talks with, but it’s really hard for me when I don’t know them.
Darling Husband went to take a nap, and his phone got a text while I was in the room getting laundry. I looked at the home screen (I know, bad), and she had texted him at least 5 or 6 times since he fell asleep and he hadn’t gone into his phone to check them yet since they were still displayed on the home screen.
From what I read, it was her taking about how she had read such and such bible passages and did some journaling etc. What caught me off guard was that she said “It’s hard for me to be vulnerable like this” at the start of one of the texts, and she kept saying he is a good friend. Her last text said “Sleep well 🙂 I’m glad to have a good friend like you :)”.
It made my stomach drop. Obviously I don’t know what he was texting her or what they were really talking about, but I feel like when a girl tells a guy that it’s hard for her to be vulnerable, that she is looking to stroke his ego, and I don’t think it’s appropriate.
Just wonder what you need think about this situation. Am I overreacting? What would you do in my position?
Post # 2
Also wanted to add that I have never noticed him texting this girl before.
Post # 3
If anything makes you uncomfortable you should be able to ask your husband about it. Confront him, talk about it and then hopefully you should be able to get some closure about it and move on.
Post # 4
It wouldn’t bother me. If they are talking about bible study, there’s a lot of personal things that could come up in relation to that and talking about them cam make you feel really vulnerable.
If he’s never given you a reason not to trust him, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 5
BerryAnonymous: I wouldn’t like it. And I have no infidelity baggage. I just wouldn’t like it. You’ll get lots of responses saying you’re being unreasonable and there’s nothing wrong with him having female friends, but my thought on it is, there’s no reason for it. He doesn’t need to be some other woman’s shoulder to cry on or her strength when she’s vulnerable. I guess what you do about it depends on your relationship and your husband. One time, I felt my husband was getting closer with a woman than I was comfortable with. We had one conversation about it and that resolved the issue. Because we had an open honest relationship, we were able to talk about it. And because my husband valued my feelings more than his friend’s (and more than the thrill of having some cute girl crushing on him) he distanced himself. If your husband is the same, it should be a simple matter of reminding him that he vowed to forsake all others. If he’s the type who needs to feel needed and/or likes the forbidden fruit aspect or whatever, it might be harder. Good luck.
Post # 6
kittytwo: I really wouldn’t even know how to bring it up.
hikingbride: I try not to punish him for what other people did to cause me to have insecurities like this in my life, but it can be so hard to help sometimes. Darling Husband is always very loving with me, and he hasn’t done anything to make me really question him. Anything that I’ve questioned him on has really just stemmed from my insecurities.
Post # 7
Everybody has different parameters in their relationship. Even if it wouldn’t bother me, it bothers YOU. And that is why you need to talk about it. Just be calm, bring it up, say it makes you uncomfortable. Don’t flip out, and he will probably keep it calm too. It’s not an end of the world situation, but definitely something that warrants discussion since it bugs you.
Post # 8
BerryAnonymous: If he’s your husband, you should be able to communicate your concerns. I wouldn’t accuse him of anything unless there’s evidence. Just ask him about Amy. Maybe even having her over for dinner one night.
Post # 9
There is such a thing as emotional/intellectual infidelity (which often cuts deeper than physical infidelity), and it sounds like this is exactly what your husband is doing. Bottom line, if what he is doing is making you uncomfortable, you have the right to bring it up, and to expect honesty from him about it. It doesn’t matter if you have trust issues you are working on or not, and it certainly doesn’t matter whether she is a coworker and attends his Bible study or not. Your past struggles and her religious affiliations don’t matter. If you’re upset, he needs to know, and the behavior needs to change.
I hope you find peace about this soon. Please keep us updated.
Post # 10
I’m all for opposite gender friends. I’m very secure in my relationship and am not at all the jealous type.
BUT, this situation would bother me a lot. First of all, sending 5-6 texts in a row is just excessive for a casual conversation about work. Second, all the crap about “sleep well” and “such a good friend” with smiley faces just comes off very flirtatious. I wouldn’t text like that to my friends and wouldn’t expect my husband to either. And I certainly wouldn’t be texting someone else in a relationship in such a flirtatious manner.
The part that strikes me the most is about her being vulnerable with him, when it’s apparently hard for her to be that way with other friends. This means their friendship is somehow on a deeper level than her other friends. She feels even closer to him and more comfortable to share things with your husband than she does with friends or family. That’s a major red flag. Emotional connection on some deep level like this is a slippery slope to an emotional affair. And we know where that could lead…
I’d be speaking to him about this immediately. Even if he is oblivious to her actions, he needs to know that you are uncomfortable with that level of closeness between them.
Post # 11
It wouldn’t bother me too much but I would kinda keep an eye out on his phone and their texts but that’s just me.
Post # 12
I don’t think this would bother me personally. I’ve been to Bible studies- when I was interested in learning about it. And some of the discussions got pretty heavy and people were very vulnerable! To the point where that made me uncomfortable. In the context you described it I would think it was some sort of religious experience that she was feeling vulnerable about.
But if it makes you uncomfortable- talk to your husband. If it’s something that isn’t fishy- he should have no problems explaining to you the context of those texts and any future ones that may come.
Post # 13
SoonAsYouCan: Yes, the number of texts and the smiley faces and “vulnerable” comment are really innapropriate to me. I agree that it’s very flirtatious.
I guess I just don’t know how to bring this up to him. I’m pretty sure he’d be upset if he knew I looked at his phone and read the texts (even though they were on the home screen. I don’t want to accuse him of anything. I just have no idea how to go about this?
Post # 14
AllAboutThatBass: I suppose you are right that the vulnerability text could have been in regards to being vulnerable with herself and her faith. That’s something I hadn’t considered. I’m still leaning more towards that she was telling him she was vulnerable with him because that’s the more obvious answer, and just based on the number of texts that were happening and how he’s “such a good friend”.
Post # 15
BerryAnonymous: I’d be bothered by this too. Perhaps you can simply ask him what he and Amy were texting about. Hopefully he’ll be open and if he is (or even isn’t) it can open the door for you to tell him that you feel uncomfortable.