(Closed) Would this make you uncomfortable?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5037 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

My opinion is biased because my father had an affair with a woman he met through bible study.  I think there has to be clear boundaries in a friendship that consists of opposite sex members otherwise a friendship can bud romance on an emotional level.

The texts you saw could be something or they could be nothing.  You should discuss it with your husband.

Post # 17
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

BerryAnonymous:  If you expect honesty from him, you need to be honest yourself and fess up to looking through his phone. He might get mad, understandably so, but the conversation needs to happen. Just lay it out there, in a non-accusatory way. “Listen babe, when you were taking a nap the other day, I kept hearing your phone getting texts. I got curious why someone would be texting you so much in such a short time and I admit, I looked at the texts. I know it was wrong and I apologize for the invasion of privacy. However, now I cannot unsee what I saw and it’s really bothering me”. Don’t place any blame on him, just explain why the texts made you uncomfortable and ask what he thinks about it. He may agree with you that it was inappropriate or he may explain further what the conversation was about and put your mind at ease.

Post # 18
Member
249 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

BerryAnonymous:  

I was only writing from my own personal experience- so that is how I took the situation.

However, also from my experience- going with your gut reaction is more often than not right. If that is how you feel- you need to sit down with him and have a conversation. No peeking at his phone while he’s in another room to see if any other conversations have happened. Just plain tell him ‘this is how I feel’ and go from there.

Best of luck!

Post # 20
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Gross. Talk to him about it. Come clear about the snooping. Don’t play games about it, just talk to him.

In this case it’s hard to say if your Darling Husband is doing anything wrong, but it seems like this girl is trying to take their friendship to the next level. I’d say she’s blatantly hitting on him.

Post # 22
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Does he know about your past issues? I feel like the best course of action would be to say something like “While you were sleeping your phone went off and I glanced at it and noticed a message from Amy. It really brought back some feelings from some of my past issues and I just wondered if you could put my mind at rest.”

Be open and honest with him. Its not like you went through his texts while he was napping so you shouldn’t be afraid to bring this up with him. Maybe she just needed advice from someone of the opposite sex and felt comfortable talking to Darling Husband because he’s married and thats could be seen as a safe zone. For some women it’s hard to open up to men who are single because they may try to exploit that vulnerability to get something out of them.

Post # 23
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

This would bother me…. a lot. Texting other females (“freinds” whatever) is a no no for me.

Post # 25
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I, too, have issues in my past with infidelity and so I think it makes me particularly sensitive about the subject.  That being said, I don’t think you are over reacting.  If you change the gender of the friend in question, it’s hard to imagine two guys doing this.  I don’t send texts like that to other girls, either.  It doesn’t necessarily sound like anything physcially inappropriate has happened, but it almost seems like the beginning of a romantic relationship with flirty messages, butterflies in tummies, staying up and talking for hours sort of thing. You could just say what you told us about having a strange feeling, seeing the home screen texts, etc.  If he gets defensive, that may be a red flag in itself.  At the very least he should respect your feelings and hear you out.  Keep us posted!

Post # 26
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Bible study…talk about ironic. These two need to get a clue that what they’re doing is eleven different kinds of wrong. Intimate conversations with members of the opposite sex is never a good idea. Dressing it up in religion makes it no better. 

My stepmother lost her first husband to a woman he met in bible study. I have to say I’m glad, because she and my father are perfect for each other and I love her, but still…

Post # 27
Member
8879 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

BerryAnonymous:  If you approach it as “you know I’m hypersensitive because someone in my life once cheated on someone else in my life” it downplays THIS situation. It’s pretty much saying “This isn’t really a big deal except for the fact that this completely unrelated thing happened a long time ago.” Or “This SHOULD BE acceptable, but I want you to change your behavior anyway because of this thing that you had nothing to do with.” I don’t believe those are true, and I don’t think you do either.

If your trust issues are causing you to behave irrationally, you should work with your therapist on that. But I think it’s perfectly reasonable and perfectly rational to be uncomfortable with this text conversation, and it has nothing to do with any previous issues. Don’t use your issues as an excuse, because that devalues a legitimate complaint.

Post # 28
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It would definitely bother me a lot and I don’t have trust issues

Post # 29
Member
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

If you share eachothers phones and it really is no big deal then why don’t you text her back for him when he is sleeping?  His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.  

Text her something like, “hello Amy!  This is Franks wife. He is sleeping right now, I’m glad to hear you are enjoying Bible study and have a friend in my husband. I will bring up the topic of vulnerability and religion with our pastor! Your feelings are legitimate and I want to know his opinion on this. Take care sweetheart”.

 

If you are uncomfortable bringing this topic up with him or don’t know how then your church pastor, priest, etc is the person to speak to. They have heard of every marital situation and these problems with opposite sex “friends” are not new. Have a talk with him/her and share your concerns. Bring hubby along if necessary.

 

Post # 30
Member
11612 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Daisy_Mae:  totally agree that OP should not try to excuse this in a sense by saying she’s sensitive. 

OP, a person who loves you will not give you reason to question their loyalty. While I have nothing against opposite sex friendships,  your Darling Husband Advising this fragile flower about her deepest feelings is playing the hero to her lost girl, it’s not okay, it invites intimacy and admiration that are inappropriate.

that he is doing this under the guise of bible study is sort of predictable but no less egregious. I’m pretty sure he needs to turn this fragile flower over to a pastor, so he can focus his rescue energy on you. 

 

 

 

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