(Closed) Would this make you uncomfortable?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
265 posts
Helper bee

If he likes giving advice, there is an aspect of his ego that is stroked when he is doing so. She is further stroking his ego by saying “I don’t do this sort of thing with just anyone.” which sets him apart and makes him feel uniquely heroic in someone’s time of need. 

I think the way to approach this is to appeal the advice giving side of him by saying something like “I know you give advice to a lot of people and I have been struggling with something, so I hope you will be able to help me. I’m not proud to admit this but I became uncomfortable with the volume of texts your phone was receiving from this person so I saw the home screen and read them. 

That being said, what I felt when I read them did not put me at rest. It further hurt my feelings. I felt that a vulnerable emotional connection was being formed between you and this person…and according to the bible, you and I are supposed to shelter our bond from this sort of thing. 

I know you enjoy being a source of comfort to others but in this case…you being a source of comfort to her is making this a source of a huge discomfort to me. You know I’m usually not one to say this, but when I see a red flag or a source of potential temptation that might hurt our bond, my job as a wife is lead our marriage away from it…and that’s what I need to do here.

I’m not comfortable with this kind of conversation…can you please refer this woman to another person who might be able to help her without causing discomfort to a spouse? How about _____ I think that person would be great.” 

Post # 47
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

BerryAnonymous:  The texts give off a real ‘boy-girl’ dynamic, which doesn’t look innocent – at least on her part.

When you think about it, new same-sex friendships (even female friendships) don’t typically involve talk about being ‘vulnerable’ and ‘seeing each other differently’. That tells you something.

So yeah, I would be uncomfortable if I were you.

Post # 48
Member
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

kittytwo:  great advice

Do this!

Post # 50
Member
2749 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

KareKoosh:  I’m impressed…you’re great with words.

Post # 51
Member
265 posts
Helper bee

Thanks lady. Good luck. Just come at this from a “What God has joined together, no (wo)man can separate” approach.

You two are a team and you guide each other through hardships…he may not see what she’s doing but any woman can see this sort of thing from a mile away. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  PizzaBride.
Post # 52
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

gogglefruits:  THIS.

Nothing that was said (on her part at least) is something you’d say to a even a platonic girl friend. Sleep well? Vulnerability? Hope you don’t see me differently? It’s all very flirtatious and I doubt she’s naive enough not to realize what she’s doing.

Post # 53
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee

BerryAnonymous: Flirtatious? Really?! It sounds like this girl has some serious issues and has finally found someone she can talk to. That’s not a bad thing. She sent bible passages. She even said what a good friend he is. She seems to have something going on in her life and he is the first person she feels comfortable talking to about it. You should feel comfortable talking to your SO about anything and I suggest you just ask him what all the texts are about. I’m so over people throwing the term “red flag” around. Sometimes things are innocent. Sometimes – shock horror – men are actually capable of being faithful. Fml.

Post # 54
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Sukii:  Yes, flirtatious. Married and coup men and women shouldn’t be cultivating deep emotional relationships with people of the opposite sex. Having friends with people of the opposite sex is fine, but when  are getting things emotionally from that person that you would normally get from your partner, it becomes dangerous.  Numerous, numerous affairs start as innocent friendships and things go south very quickly. It might be completely innocent for him, but not for her, and he should be nipping it in the bud instead of enjoying the attention. 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/08/8-ways-to-affair-proof-your-marriage/

 

Post # 55
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

 

1. just because it is “bible study” doesn’t make it OK

2. Normal friendships don’t involve telling eachother to “sleep well”. Sorry, nope.

3. The “vulnerable” thing is a cry for attention, and the girl knows exactly what she’s doing.

4. You need to talk to your husband about boundaries.

Post # 56
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

BerryAnonymous:  I am a big proponent of opposite sex friendships, including texting, but from what you wrote, this woman’s texts seem flirtatious to me. I’d tell your husband it makes you uncomfortable and ask him to tone it down. 

Post # 57
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think it’s innapropriate. I would not be okay with this. Theres a difference between talking with a friend and talking with another girl. gogglefruits said it best. It is a boy-girl dynamic, not a friend-friend dynamic. Would YOU feel comfortable talking to another guy like that? Would HE feel comfortable with you talking to another guy like that?

 

Post # 58
Member
265 posts
Helper bee

Peanut-Sue:  How did the talk go? We’re all hoping you’re doing better today. 

Post # 59
Member
2013 posts
Buzzing bee

secondtimecharm: I don’t think he’s “enjoying the attention”. He’s just being a decent human being. If I were in the OP’s position, I would be asking, “Is she okay? Is there anything I might be able to help with? Should we try to find a professional for her to speak to?” instead of jumping to conclusions. I can’t imagine feeling like I’d need to come to strangers on the Internet for advice before even speaking to my SO. Talking to him should be the first step because this could just be completely innocent and everyone is freaking out over nothing.

I could also post a link but mine would be about suicide and how people are driven to it because they feel like they have nobody to talk to. Can you imagine if you were in that situation and then the one person you trusted to speak to about it suddenly turned their back on you? But no, I won’t go to that extreme because I don’t blow sh*t out of proportion. Relax, yeah? Maybe it is something sinister and maybe they are having an affair. Maybe she’s just hoping to get through something and he’s the first step to getting proper help. We can never know until the OP asks her husband about it.

All I’m saying is, instead of just assuming this chick wants my husband’s d*ck, I would remember that sometimes people find it hard to talk about their problems and if she felt comfortable coming to my SO then that’s not such a bad thing. Her wellbeing would be the first thing I’d enquire about. Perhaps that makes me naive but I don’t care.

Post # 60
Member
6320 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

That would not be in keeping with the agreements of my relationship so I would speak with my Fiance. It sounds like it’s not in alignment with your perspective about what’s okay within your relationship. You get to express that to him and it’s reasonable to expect him to hear you and respect your feelings.

It’s great that you know you have wounds around infidelity but you don’t need to ignore or dismiss your feelings in an attempt to shield Fiance from your triggers.

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