(Closed) Would this upset you?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

hmmm tough one – maybe he said he is your gf instead of fiance because some guys just don’t use the term fiance?

Maybe he is protecting the female friend because they are out in Afghanistan risking their lives and it is easier for him to just let her think whatever she thinks?  He may have a flirty relationship with her – who knows? 

Honestly, I don’t know how long your fiance is deployed for, but I would not bring up the issue at this time if he doesn’t – he is under enough stress over there without having to worry about you being upset with something that is most likely not even an issue.  Yes, the girls over there probably have a crush on him, and they probably all flirt and tease etc etc, but it most likely is just stress relief and trying to have a degree of normalcy in their lives without having to think about all that is going on around them.

Just my opinion

Post # 4
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Do any of his friends in Afghanistan know that he’s engaged?

Post # 5
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

Hmmm.  #1 – does seem a little odd. I think I’d be hurt as well, although I’ll admit that I hate the word "fiance," always stuttered a little when saying it, and it took me about a month before I would say it.  Same thing with "husband."  It’s so new that I feel a little silly saying it, though I know this about myself so I force myself to practice it until it’s normal.  I’ve also found it awkward because when you say "fiance," people seem to need to offer congratulations or an opinion or something, and I hate that.

On the other hand, I think that people who aren’t upfront about their committed relationships might be uncomfortable with the relationship (and not just weirdos about words like me). Been there, done that.  I think it warrants a discussion, something along the lines of, "I know I don’t have the full story, but I’m uncomfortable that you don’t refer to me as your fiance and I’d like to know why.  I know it might seem silly, but it would mean a lot to me if we could talk about it, because it’s hard for me to be away from you and sometimes i need some reassurance."  (My hubby hates to be asked things like, "Are you happy you married me?" because he thinks the answer is obvious, so I have to warn him that I need reasurrance, and then he’s ok with it.)

#2: Sometimes guys just don’t want to deal with girls and their crap, and they’ll say or not say things to not have to hear all about it.  So, he might not have mentioned it because she said she’d been engaged and broke it off, or whatever.  Not knowing the whole story, I can’t guess (well, I just did), but I can see that happening.

Honestly, I’m most bothered by the comment that there are a lot of females that are going to be mad when they find out he’s engaged.  What’s that about? Anyway, I don’t blame you for being upset and I think you should talk to him about that.

Post # 6
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Is your Fiance generally non-confrontational?  I’m asking b/c that might be your answer to the second question.  The answer to the first, if he’s like mine, is that he just said it and it doesn’t mean anything.  fizicsGuy alternately refers to me as Girlfriend, fiancee, and even wife…and we’re getting married in 2 weeks!  I don’t really read much into it when he occasionally says girlfriend.

Also, and I know it’s not exactly the same thing since it happened a lot earlier for us, but soon after we started dating pretty seriously, fizicsGuy was talking to another woman who was a childhood friend but that he had dated briefly.  They broke up when she was moving away for school.  And he and I started LD.  He knew she was still interested in him, so he kind of broke the news to her gently.  It irritated me b/c I also felt like he cared more about her feelings…but I’ve come to realize that it never even occurred to him that it might bother me.  As far as he was concerned, he was with me and totally committed to making it work even 3000 miles apart.  He just saw no need to break it to her in a way that would be extremely hurtful to her.  My guess is the same thing is going on with your Fiance here.

All of that said, I think it’s okay to rationally tell him that this conversation came across as hurtful to you and why.  Give him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t mean to hurt you (I really think he didn’t).  And def. don’t attack him about it.  but just let him know, so it’ll be information he has about how you feel about certain things.  I think it doesn’t matter whether this would or wouldn’t upset anyone else, it’s clearly upset you.  He should know that…but I think you do need to trust him enough to allow that he did not mean to.

Post # 7
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

On the one hand, it’s great that he’s told you all of this.

On the other hand, I agree. Who the hell cares if anyone else would be upset that he’s getting married.

Maybe this is his indirect way of letting you know that other girls dig him. And he wants you to be protective maybe? I don’t know. Hard to say. But, really? What kind of reaction is he looking for from you when he’s having these conversations face to face with someone and all you get is a phone call.

I would not be able to let it go. I would want to know why he hasn’t said anything about getting married.

Post # 8
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wonder if you could bring it up in a teasing way — "Hey, I’m waiting for you to upset all those ladies and let them know that you’re my hot man!" or something like that.

Post # 10
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Hey there. Oh, been there done that. I think it’s great you guys get to talk every night, though. Every little bit of his voice helps, I know.

I do think it’s weird he didn’t refer to you as his Fiance. Although, I noticed my now-DH would refer to me as his Girlfriend frequently. It’s like they forget about stuff over there. So maybe it was just a slip of the mind. 

I, too, wonder why he’s protecting this friend. I agree, why the heck should he care if she gets pissy about him having a fiance? If they’re truly friends, she shoudl be happy for him. And why is he even talking to his ex?! It costs a lot of money to make calls home from Afghanistan. I’d think he should want to call you, his family, or his friends. NOt someone who’ll be pissy he’s with you. 

I’d be irked for sure. It’s strange behavior, but I will say that my Darling Husband sometimes acted strangely overseas, too. That place gets in their heads a little bit. Just bring it up casually, like why do you care so much what she thinks? Maybe he’s just lonesome for friends and that’s why he’s reaching out.

Also, the fact that he says that a LOT of women are going to be mad when they find out he’s engaged…what is that supposed to mean? Are they mad b/c he’s off the market? I mean, i’m sure he’s awesome and all, but that’s a weird comment. Likely some insecurities of being deployed peeking through. I noticed Darling Husband get a little like that, too, and I just had to lavish him with some phone attention. They stop feeling like the man they usually are when they’re over there. 

Post # 11
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Ah ok.  If she’s not co-located with him, then it’s more bearable of a situation. 🙂

He’s easing her into it, I would guess…  and if he’s told other people he’s engaged, word will trickle back to her soon enough!

Post # 12
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I would only call a guy a jerk if I was single and I assumed he was too, then find out he wasn’t and felt he had been leading me on. Then again, I’m one to read between the lines and consider motives. What truly stuck out at me is maybe your fiance is passive? Mine used to be until drama with his female friends affected our relationship and he finally stood up for his decision to be with me. I’m glad you said "mad when they find out" and not if they find out, so that means he did plan on telling them. Sorry, it’s now time for his female friend and all other females to find out he has chosen you for life. He needs to set his own boundaries and have others respect such boundaries and you, if not then it seems they’re the type of friends who are really looking out for themselves.

Good luck and much happy thoughts, long distance is hard.

Post # 13
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

OOOHHHH!!! So, they’re not sitting there having coffee together? That kind of changes things! It would still bug me that he hasn’t told her he’s getting married, but I would be better able to deal with this. I like amysue’s suggestion!!

Post # 14
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Hmmm ok the fact that the girl is not there and he talked to her on the phone is kind of weird.  I was just thinking that maybe the stress of the situation over in Afghanistan had something to do with it.

But now I honestly just think it’s weird.  Maybe the next time he says something weird like that, or mentions that friend again, you could bring it up and ask WHY he doesn’t want to tell people?

Post # 16
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I think you have every reason to feel upset/slighted about his comment(s).  I know I would be hurt if my Fiance did not tell a female friend of his that we were getting married. 

However (and this is in no way defending his actions, just trying to gain a little perspective), being deployed in a warzone can certainly be stressful (at best), and maybe it is something he would rather discuss in person (I am assuming his conversation was either via webcam or IM) with this friend, and not over a computer.  If she called him a jerk for having a girlfriend, she might have stopped talking to him altogether if she knew he was engaged.  Having that connection to home may be something he needs right now, and doesn’t want to jeopardize while he is still overseas.  We can see it being "wrong" from this side of the pond, but with the stress of his deployment, being away from family, loved ones, and friends, he may have a different mindset than he would if he was home.

Now, if she is an army friend and is deployed with him, I would say there is no excuse for him not saying anything to her.  In this situation I would probably bring it up, and just explain how keeping those details from his friend made you feel. 

Good luck.  I thank your Fiance for his service, and you and your families for your support of your soldier. 

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