Post # 1
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
my bf and I have been dating a little over a year. He’s 43 and I’m 37. I have 4 kids from a previous marriage. We don’t live together, but spend many nights together. We have a fantastic relationship and want a future together. (No more kids!). He’s never married with no kids and is an only child.
In our marriage discussions, I expressed that marriage is important to me at some point. He says he doesn’t need marriage to be happy and it doesn’t hold value for him. He’d be happy to live together eventually. However he also said that he’d do anything to make me happy. And he’d marry me if I needed it to be happy.
That just doesn’t seem right to me. Would you accept a proposal like that? It’s been bugging me. Be kind it’s my first post.
Post # 2
Well, first off, I don’t consider that a proposal. That’s just a conversation about marriage. Why do you consider it a proposal? Is there part you left out?
What I DO do hear is that he cares for you so much he’s willing to sacrifice what he wants/thinks just because he wants to make you happy. Who wouldn’t want to be loved that much?
Post # 3
He’s too damaged. Magnum P.I. couldn’t solve the crap going on in his head! Save yourself and run far away from this guy.
Post # 5
It doesn’t sound like he proposed. It sounds like he said that if you need marriage, then he will be willing to do that even though he’s not keen on it. You then should follow up with stating that this is important to you and deciding on a timeline. Ask him if he is ready to commit now. If he is and you are, then congrats, you’re engaged.
My fiance and I had a discussion deciding to get married and then together decided on a general time frame for an “official” proposal after which we’d tell people. The “official” proposal was unnecessary but it was something we wanted to do. If we had decided not to, then I’d be just as engaged as I am now.
So yes, if I had a grown up discussion with my partner and we both stated our interest in marriage and we decided at that point that we should plan for a wedding and be engaged, I’d accept this proposal (if the conversation was meant as a proposal). I don’t really see what isn’t right about it.
It sounds like you’re confused about your status right now. So ask your partner.
Post # 6
This isn’t a proposal… but in the future… As long as he doesnt tie the ring to his dick… I’d call it a win
Post # 7
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
Clarification: I just meant if you were proposed to knowing he was doing it just because you wanted it, not because he wanted to marry you, but as a concession, would that be enough.
Sorry for the confusion I know this wasn’t an actual proposal. I was just thinking would I want a proposal knowing he felt that way about marriage.
Post # 9
To reply to your follow up, no, it wouldn’t bother me.
If he didn’t truly want to marry you, he wouldn’t. What I see is that he wants to be with you and is willing to commit to marriage if that’s what it takes to be with you. So while he may not really care about marriage as a whole, he does care about you and wants you to be fulfilled in your wants.
Post # 10
sharkey38 : yes, I would accept a proposal while knowing that; he cares enough about you to get the legality part taken care of.
Post # 11
sharkey38 : I think you might be asking how we’d react IF he proposes in the future by saying “it’s not important to me, but I know it is to you, so do you want to get married?” Not that you think the conversation was a proposal. Am I correct? If so, if that’s how he feels, then he’s being honest and you’ll need to decide whether you’re ok marrying someone who doesn’t value the institution but values you enough to go along with it for your sake. I would probably be ok with that. He’s not asking you to change your viewpoint and it’s not realistic to hope he’s going to change his. I think it’s a bigger problem when someone says “it’s just a piece of paper, I don’t see the value in it so I refuse to do it.”
Post # 12
As long as I knew he truly wanted to be with me and was willing to get married (even if marriage isn’t a top priority for him) then I would be fine with it.
This would be a better situation than me having to give an ultimatum to a guy who claims he wants to get married and that it’s important to him but is always putting it off for bullshit reasons.
It sounds like he just doesn’t have strong feelings either way but since it’s important to you he’s willing to go along with it. What important is that he is wants to spend his life with you.
Post # 13
You have “a fantastic relationship” and “want a future together”.
You know his truth, he knows yours. He doesn’t “need” what you are saying YOU need, but he is willing and enthusiastic to accommodate your feelings out of his loving feelings for you.
WHAT ON EARTH doesn’t “seem right” to you? If you want the tricked out “OhmygodI’msoshockedIhadnoideathiswascomingI’mtotallyBlownaway“ SURPRISE ENGAGEMENT EXTRAVAGANZA, TELL HIM, and I bet because he loves you, he’ll do it, but as a grown up mom of 4, you may find when it’s all said and done that’s what beautiful and wonderful and amazing in your relationship turns out to be the fact that he truly, deeply loves you for all the right reasons, and you truly deeply feel the same way about him, and you get each other and want to bypass the foofah and began life together as husband and wife.
Is he good to your kids? Do they love him and accept him as part of your life? You do know how really lucky you are if that”s the case, right?
‘If this guy is a keeper, and it sounds like you think he is, don’t waste your time or his waiting for something that’s more wonderful than what you already have. What you have sounds pretty damn wonderful just as it is.
Post # 14
Yes, I think I would accept. He values you enough to recognize what is important to you even if it’s not what he prefers.
Post # 15
Yes I would.
Nothing he said is alarming. I think a lot of men feel that way. It sounds like you guys were having a general conversation about it and he was just honest with how he felt. You cannot force a man to do anything. If he does not want to marry you, he will not ask. If he asks, he wants to marry you. He was simply saying he’d be fine never getting married. It sounds like he’s sure about you either way.