Post # 32
Thanks for all the advice bees! I really appreciate the support, it is so welcome when I’m dealing with this and feel alone.
Regarding why I don’t want him smoking pot: Essentially he was spending a lot of money doing it (about $500 a month) and he was prioritizing it over our relationship. Spending sometimes upwards of 6 hours trying to track some down if his friend was out, etc. He couldn’t really keep it to a reasonable level. He would pretty much smoke nonstop if he had pot at the time.
Post # 33
For better or for worse, right? I would try to work through this.
Post # 34
@WifeinDistress0214: First, here is a big hug! I can imagine how disappointed and hurt you must feel… This truly is a big lie.
I concur with most PPs. I would work through such an issue because I strongly believe that we must be willing to work through anything when we are married. At least for anything that does not involve abuse.
I completely agree with Nona99 who wrote “…that’s what marriage is about. Its a guarantee that sooner or later, you’re going to screw up, take each other for granted and general make a mess of things.”
Well, there you are, dealing with your husband’s first major screw-up. Now, the success or failure of working this through is going to depend on you and your husband’s willingness to first discuss things respectfully, and of you guys’ ability to find a compromise. Then it’s going to require rebuilding trust, and hopefully create an environment in your marriage where this kind of lies does not need to happen anymore.
Good luck! And keep us updated.
Post # 36
@WifeinDistress0214 I think that you should confront him about it and let him explain the situation and find out the truth. I personally would have a problem with the lies more than the pot (even though I am against pot as my ex was addicted and became a nightmare) if he comes clean and is prepaired to work at gaining your trust again then I think you should make a go at it as long as youo are both happy and want too, but remember a good relationship means comprimising and taking what your OH wants into consideration. Maybe councelling would help you both to understand where you each are coming from and help put the honesty and trust back into your relationship.
Post # 37
I’d be heavily bothered by both the lying and the resumed pot smoking. I’m not found of lying (dishonesty in a marriage causes a LOT of damage) and I also do NOT like pot.
If you were me, I’d bring this up to him in a calm rational manner. Say you found the stash of pot, the lighter, the homemade…whatever that is…and that you are very hurt and distressed that A) he started smoking again and B) that he lied to your face about it. And go from there. I would try to work through it, but working through it takes TWO people, and if he is unwilling to take responsibility or work towards a resolution, then you’ll need to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you.
Also, if you are concerned about the pot usage, find out what the consequences of getting caught buying/using pot are in your area. I think in my area employers can fire people if they come up positive on a random drug test. So it would seriously make me mad if my DH was using pot and was putting his employment and our stability at risk just to relax and get high.
Post # 38
If he was raised to smoke pot with his family then he does not see it wrong and will continue to do it. You need to decide if you can live with him smoking.
Post # 39
@WifeinDistress0214: I would be very disappointed, and a big bump in the road, but you made a committment, I think can be worked through, but just need to be open and honest, and respecting of differences. I am not an advocate of drug use at all, and if I caught my husband doing it I would be extremely upset too, but as long as he was honest about it, and it didn’t affect any of the goals we have together, I would have to respect him.
Post # 40
@WifeinDistress0214: I disagree with most of the other posters. The drug use would be bad enough (I don’t agree with people’s decision to smoke pot and would never put up with it in a partner), but the LYING especially, right to to your face…I don’t know that I could ever truly forgive and get over it.
Post # 41
Of course that’s a problem and needs to be taken care of but would definitely be forgiven after dealt with appropriately. I’d be very disappointed for awhile but would never break my vows over it.
Post # 42
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
+1million. Best advice on the thread!
Post # 43
The dishonesty is what gets me.
Actually, it’s what makes me think he has an addiction rather than a recreational pasttime.
I am OK with functional potheads (whatever, I work in a ‘creative’ field, it happens) but when it becomes detrimental, a crutch, or an addiction, I have a big problem with it.
This sounds both detrimental (to his time/money, to your relationship, to your trust in him) and like an additcion (spending so much money, the time to track it down if he can’t find it from his usual place, manufacturing the means to smoke it, hiding it from you in a place where he can be ‘alone’, lying about it…)
It might be a good idea to look into an Al Anon program, or an addiction hotline – even if just for yourself to see whether this has the markers of a substance abuse problem.
Post # 44
@WifeinDistress0214: I would be really hurt, but I would try to work through it.
Post # 45
Yes you should work through this. To me, the pot smoking isn’t as huge of a deal, as the lying is. You need to have a discussion with him and tell him that lying is unacceptable. You can also re-iterate your feelings about his pot smoking. This is not an issue I would break my vows over. You made a vow “for better or for worse,” and I think you should really try to work things through 🙂
Post # 46
Could I forgive this? Yeah. That’s what this thing called marriage is about.
Don’t get me wrong…the dishonesty is HUGE for me. I’d be more mad about that…..but, if you take a step back from the situation you might be able to see the circumstance you put him in was not great.
You knew he smoked, you knew he was raised this way, you knew about his family. Really, are you shocked that he lied to you about it?
Honestly, the smoking doesn’t bother me. My fiance is a smoker. Has been since I’ve known him, and probably always will be. I guess it would bother me if he wasn’t a functional smoker, but he is. Actually, sometimes I think he’s better when he has a bowl.