Would You Be Concerned if Your Plus One Was Anti-Religion?

posted 2 months ago in Catholic
Post # 31
Member
678 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think this is pretty difficult. I’m Agnostic but exploring Christianity. My husband is Agnostic, leaning towards Atheistm. He’s very respectful towards other people’s faith, unless it infringes on the human rights of others. He knows that I’m getting reacquainted with Christianity and has told me he’s ok with that as long as I don’t make him do anything he doesn’T truly want to do. If we have kids, then we’ve agreed to teach them about different religions and let them make their own choices.

A few years ago though I dated somebody who was truly anti-religion. He was pretty fundamentalist in his opinions and commented negatively when other people expressed their faith. That wasn’t the reason we stopped seeing each other but it would in the long run have caused trouble. 

 

If your partner is respectful towards you and others, I think you’ll probably be ok, even if he for himself is an atheist. If he’s a jerk about being an atheist, then well… he’s a jerk.

 

Post # 32
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: City, State

Does he look down on people just because they are religious and/or believe in  God? Does he think belief in God is stupid, and he is enlightened because he doesn’t. If so then I would strongly disapprove of him.

 

But if he only didn’t believe in God, or had a negative experience in formal religion, I wouldn’t hold that against him. I believe in God, but I’m not religious, so I’m happy with my atheist partner.

Post # 33
Member
323 posts
Helper bee

Up to you. Many couples make it work with different views on religions or spirituality, and many couples choose partners within their same “stream” (christian, catholic, atheist etc). 

Personally I have levels, and I’m sure many people do. I am pretty much anti-religion, although not necessarily athiest, and my partner is what I would call “spiritual” which doesn’t bother me at all.  However, I would never date a devout Catholic as too many of the Catholic beliefs are very contradictory to my own personal beliefs. Same for hardcore Baptists or Reformed, and probably LDS
It probably makes the most sense for you to get your own beliefs and feelings arounnd the church sorted out, and then see if your partners atheism fits into that, as well as talking to him about how he feels about your beliefs, and talk about scenarios such as “what if we have kids”

Post # 34
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think he knows what agnostic is and should not say he is. He is atheist. I am agnostic and it isn’t ANTI anything. More of a fence rider thing. I don’t think there is enough proof there is or is not a God. I cannot deny or pick a side. But that is besides the point.

My mom told me one time, long ago, to not marry or be with someone that doesn’t share your religious beliefs. I really liked a guy that was very religious while I was agnostic. It didn’t work out because he wanted me to be Christian and I didn’t want to be anything… because I didn’t KNOW what I believed in. 

As far as dating for any other reason than marriage (because this doesn’t sound like a relationship that will end in marriage)… I would not worry about bringing him as a date for fun. But I have been to Catholic stuff and it was really weird and uncomfortable for me… unlike a Baptist or Methodist style service/wedding etc… might be uncomfortable to him too. Who knows.

Post # 35
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

LilliV :  so I guess from my point of view. In the scenario that has something has happened to my husband but there is some time to say goodbye, he wants last rites. I don’t want to share that little bit of time that I have with him. With anyone really but especially not a priest who possibly won’t be that close to us. However, it’s something I’ll do for him and for him to be at peace. We both believe there is some element of the after life and if last rites are what he needs to go into the after life, I can’t begrudge him that. No matter how I feel about the Catholic Church or how much I want to spend time with just him.

I’ve also told him my husband if he buries me against my wishes I’m haunting his arse. 🤷‍♀️

Post # 36
Member
8635 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

lifelovemountains :  “My boyfriend is very much agnostic and has said multiple times he doesn’t believe in anything and is pretty anti-religion.” — Does he say he’s agnostic, or are you saying he’s agnostic? Because what you’ve written sounds atheist. If you are the one saying he’s agnostic, it might be a subconscious attempt to down-play his actual stance. If you think of him as atheist, does that change how you feel about him or see the relationship? 

Post # 37
Member
905 posts
Busy bee

lifelovemountains :  Sounds like he’s more atheist than agnostic…I would consider you agnostic as you neither believe or disbelieve in a particular religon. Im much the same as you; spiritual now, but grew up catholic in an extremely catholic household (My father is becoming a deacon). 

Id definitely consider this strongly. Bc religion or beliefs/disbeliefs will only intensify with marriage and upon having children. It is different if you guys have your seperate beliefs but respect the others and its not too big of a thing that arguments will arise out of it….but it seems like you’re treading some potentially dangerous waters.

How do you plan to raise future kids? How does he? Are you both okay with it? 

My SO doesnt identify as anything, but based on what I know what he believes or doesnt believe, id say hes agnostic and maybe even atheist. He definitely has theories, but not religious ones. We never argue about it, and i know if I were to get back into catholicism, he would support me because he’s a very easy going guy, and also very open to listening to others’ beliefs without judgemnet or criticism. 

Post # 38
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

ariesscientist :  This. I would consider myself a spiritualist. I think my husband is agnostic bordering on atheism. If you can both respect each others views then your union can work. If you feel like he lacks respect for your perspective then that may be the issue rather than the exact details of those beliefs.

These beliefs are a learning process for most of us. The best lesson you could teach future children is that despite different beliefs you can still love and respect one another. And hopefully you will love and respect them enough to allow them to make their own decisions as well.

Post # 39
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

lifelovemountains :  This is such a personal thing and only you will be able to decide whether you’re really okay with his beliefs and vice versa. That said, there are definitely ways to be married and have a family without being the same religion if you both are open to that. You both need to have a very open discussion about this and hash out your dealbreakers. 

Post # 40
Member
677 posts
Busy bee

I’m an atheist and my beliefs are completely in line with your boyfriend’s. 

However, where I depart from him is the way he handled your statement about your granddad. When people lose loved ones, they are entitled to any belief that gives them comfort, without fear of it being picked apart rationally. I think he was a bit of a jerk there. Whatever his beliefs were on the subject, he handled that discussion poorly. Perhaps that’s why you also brought up empathy, because he probably seems to show little of it? 

It’s definitely something for you to bring up with him so he’s aware of the problem you have. Religious beliefs don’t need to be shared, but a partner who can’t give you comfort at a vulnerable time is not a keeper. 

Post # 41
Member
94 posts
Worker bee

I identify as agnostic, although I was raised in an atheist/spritually curious household. There can be a big difference between atheist and agnostic and between atheist and anti-religion. As an agnostic I inhabit kind of a non-position position (basically I’m Switzerland). I think there is room for the scientific within the spiritual and vice versa. I don’t observe any particular religion and I don’t believe in God or the afterlife as most mainstream religions describe them, however I don’t feel passionately enough about the subject to get into arguments with people about their existance (or lack thereof). I consider all religious doctrine to be metaphorical, not literal, and generally have no problem with people worshipping however they like—as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Atheists (in my experience) are generally a little more definite; they really believe that there is no possibility of there being a god, hence the name. However, I know many atheists who still support the religious views of others and even a few who attend church (Unitarian Universalist). Anti-religion implies more of an active view on whether religion is morally acceptable within the context of society (think Karl Marx, the Opium of the People). From what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem as though your SO is actively trying to argue against the concept of religion or its ethical implications, it seems like he is simply stating his beliefs. Some people are curious about religion, like you (and I—it’s fascinating!) are. Some people just aren’t. I think children raised in households with differing points of view on this subject are put in a great position to gain empathy and perspective, as long as no point of view is downright dismissed as stupid or deemed “forbidden”.

Post # 42
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

My fiance is an atheist.  I am a Catholic.  We get along great, but when it comes to religion or lack of, this is something we don’t talk about or try not to.  That subject is off the table.  I have kids and they are raised as a Catholic.  Nothing is going to change that.  I told my children about him and I told them that the subject will not be brought up by them nor my fiance.  They get along fine.  

My nephew got married in church and my niece’s baby got baptized in the church.  He was there with me.  He sat there with me quietly.  He was being respectful to my family.  That’s all that matters.  I respect him and he respects me.  If we were to have kids together(but we’re not), this might be a problem because he doesn’t believe in God or any religion.  But he knows not to feed my children of what he believes or lack of.

This is something you have to decide if you want to raise your children with his belief as an agnostic or will he be okay if you raise them as Catholic.  Will this work out for you?  If not, this is definitely something you might think about before you guys walk down the aisle.

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