(Closed) Would you be mad if your friend didn't ask you to be a BM?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What would you have done if you were an unchosen bee?
    Confront bride and tell her you're disappointed in not being a BM : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Smile and be a supportive friend, not confronting the bride : (84 votes)
    60 %
    What? I'm not a BM?! She's not my friend anymore! : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Not a BM? Yay! : (52 votes)
    37 %
  • Post # 16
    Member
    5882 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I chose smile and be supportive, not confronting the bride because, really, what is there to confront? The bride didn’t do anything wrong, confronting her over some imagined entitlement to a spot in her wedding party is not cool. 

    If I was A though, I’d confront B over her passive aggressive bs.

    Post # 17
    Member
    265 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    It would definitely depend on the circumstances. If it was my best friend (and current MOH), I would be offended but I wouldn’t say anything to her about it. Well, I would be offended IF she chose any of our other friends as bridesmaids over me; I wouldn’t be offended if she just wanted her sister and/or cousins in her bridal party. Maybe a bit disappointed, but not offended.

    However in this case, we have been best friends since middle school, we lived together for several years before I moved in with my Fiance, I know that she doesn’t have any other friends who are as close as I am to her, and we have always and continue to talk about us being each other’s bridesmaids (she is going to be engaged soon, most likely). If she chose other girlfriends as her bridesmaids, and chose to exclude me, I would know that it would be a purposeful offense. I still wouldn’t confront her about it, though, because I don’t think it would be helpful and would only create unneccessary drama. I’d probably ask her little sister (also a close friend of mine) about it, and then just move on and distance myself a little.

    Now, I do have a friend that I know would be upset with me if I didn’t have her as a bridesmaid, even though she is not my best friend. She’s actually the little sister of my Maid/Matron of Honor. She and I have gotten closer over the years, so I DO want her in my wedding and so she is a bridesmaid, but if I hadn’t asked her I know she’d be upset and would confront me about it. I know this because before my Fiance proposed, she told me a few times that I better make her a bridesmaid. I’ve always just laughed when she said this, though, because of course I wanted her as a bridesmaid and that’s just how she is. She’s actually a very nice person but she’s also very direct like that.

    But even then, if I hadn’t made her a bridesmaid she would’ve just confronted me, she wouldn’t be mean to me.

    I think your friend is being ridiculous. If she feels that her friend is slighting her, she needs to just confront her about it or move on and be supportive. Also, A chose her two college roommates, it’s not like she chose a bunch of mutual friends but not B. Possibly she didn’t want to have a bunch of bridesmaids and she felt that by choosing B she’d be obligated to choose the mutual friends as well.

    Post # 18
    Member
    3332 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    B is not justified in any way to act like that. And by ‘that’ I mean a baby. She is being a terrible person and a terrible friend. No one is entitled to a ‘BM position’ sheesh.

    Post # 19
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I would be relieved to not be a bm. I would still support bride if she needed help and if I was invited to a shower or Bachelorette, but I genuinely don’t think the world revolves me. 

    Post # 20
    Member
    2005 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    Not really. It’s their wedding. They want who they want. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    3583 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

    mus1ca1xo:  I wouldn’t be mad at all because I’m not so presumptuous to think that I’d be automatically chosen in the first place. Not to mention, I’d much rather enjoy a wedding as a regular guest versus being a bridesmaid or Maid/Matron of Honor. I know some people get really excited about these things, but I’m not one of them. This is coming from someone that had a very non-traditional wedding and no bridal party though. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    2570 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    In my younger years, I probably would have been upset.  Now?  I am so incredibly thankful when friends either decide not to have bridal parties or keep it to family or 1 or 2 friends.  I hate to say this, but being in a wedding and all the money and effort goes into it…no thanks!

    Post # 24
    Member
    2657 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    I would never expect to be a bridesmaid in someone’s wedding, whether it were my sister’s or my best friend’s or a more casual acquaintance’s. As such, I would never confront them over their decision to ask someone else. Sure, I might be disappointed in some cases but I would understand that there are all sorts of reasonings behind asking bridesmaids and that this isn’t meant as a slight to our relationship.

    In your situation, I think that B was completely out of line. Sure, she can be disappointed that she wasn’t asked but, at the end of the day, she needs to accept that A can ask whoever she wants and there is nothing wrong with her decision. In all honesty, I don’t blame A for wanting to end her friendship with B over her behaviour – I would certainly be thinking along those same lines had one of my friends decided to be passive aggressive over not being made a bridesmaid.

    Post # 25
    Member
    240 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2017 - A Historic Inn

    I agree with some PPs. Although we don’t know the full story, B seems to be acting a little childish, starting with assuming she would automatically be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. After 10 years of “friendship,” its really surprising that B is acting this way.

    I am going through a bit of a Bridesmaid or Best Man dilemma right now that is somewhat similar. My Fiance and I are the first to get married in our families. Two long stories short, my Future Sister-In-Law (34 years, unmarried & single, no children) has implied she is hurt because I didn’t ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Additionally, my cousin that I was really close to as a child and my mother are also disappointed because I am not going to ask the cousin.

    Bottom line– I have very specific reasons why I am or am not choosing someone to stand next to me on my wedding day. For example, if I feel like someone can’t be depended on, then I will not ask them. I don’t think people should feel obligated to ask someone to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man based on how long they’ve known each other. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    994 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    j_jaye:  totally agree. 

    OP, I’d be worried that B is also bitching about you not picking her behind your back.. I think A is totally justified in walking away from that friendship.

    When I find out I’m not a Bridesmaid or Best Man I generally do a happy dance! Cheaper, I get to pick my own dress and I STILL get to go and have fun and enjoy a wedding? awesome.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1364 posts
    Bumble bee

    I voted “Not a bridesmaid? Yay!” but there was one situation in which I felt justified for being hurt after the fact. 

    A lifelong best friend of mine got married last year and let me know that she was limiting her bridal party to only her sisters. Totally cool! I was honored just to be invited as a guest. I then, however, heard through the grapevine that she wanted to have me as a bridesmaid but felt that my tattoos “ruined her wedding vision.” I would have dismissed it as gossip, but then heard the same thing from multiple other people, including her now-H. I never confronted her about it because I decided that no explanation would make me want to be her friend any longer. I attended the wedding with a smile on my face, gave a generous gift, and then let the friendship fizzle.

    Post # 29
    Member
    688 posts
    Busy bee

    If I had a 10 year long friend, who I considered one of my closest friends and I was not asked to be a bridesmaid, I’d be pretty hurt. It would make me feel less bad since she didn’t ask any of that group, but I would still feel hurt. Especially with her choices being friends she met more recently. I understand you can be closer to people you meet more recently. But your story seemed to indicate like you are all still pretty close. However, regardless of being hurt, I don’t think I would act on it. I think it would just change the way I viewed the relationship, i.e. we are not as close as I thought we were.

    Post # 30
    Member
    564 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    I have actually never been a bridesmaid – only Maid/Matron of Honor for my sister. Sounds like i have no friends but that’s not true – it’s just that all my close friends had small weddings, family in the wedding party or no wedding party at all. In fact I had a very close girlfriend who decided she didn’t want a wedding party but as it turns out I was in fact the Maid/Matron of Honor without the title. I helped her with everything, threw her bachelorette and took off days of work to travel a couple of state away a few days before the wedding to help her with last minute stuff. She even joked about it. Hey parents made special efforts to thank me.  It was a little weird that she wouldn’t give me the title (and honestly I felt like she could have been a little more appreciative but i made my peace with it) but honestly no big deal at the end of the day. Have I been a little sad about some of these occasions – sure. But people put way too much significance on it. B should find a way to make peace because it doesn’t mean her friend doesn’t love her still. 

    Now to avoid the issue I’m having my sister as Maid/Matron of Honor only. I feel a little guilty about not making my FSILs bridesmaids but at least I’m being consistent. 

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