(Closed) Would you be offended?

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

They sound kind of stuffy, you’ll have more fun without them there.

Post # 4
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It’s understandable.  Not and ideal way to start of a family relationship, but ultimately, for most people, the wedding is about the ceremony/reception.  Other events are optional.  It’s really hard to coordinate a shower time that works for even a majority of people, so it’s not surprising that the second shower date fell through.  Just to include our immediate family (some are coming in from out of town), our shower date moved four times.  Yep, four times.

So, try not to take it personally.  It sounds like FI’s family is hard to schedule so they may not have wanted to give up the camping trip opportunity for some of the members to go to the shower. When dealing with a group, changing plans by one day can make a difference – I have no idea about the details, but maybe there were problematic travel logistics, people who couldn’t take more/any time off work or other factors influencing their decision. It may not be as simple as changing a day.  It could be that simple, but I’d probably prefer to think there was some sort of something making it difficult.

It’s probably more about their existing plans than any snub to you.  Besides, by offering to host another one, at least your Future Sister-In-Law made an effort.  It may have failed, but at least there was an effort.

Overall, not an ideal scenario, but try to take it in stride and be happy that you have others who will be coming to your shower!

Post # 5
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Forgot to respond to the last part of your post (sorry) – for the planning, I’ve found you really need to make it known that help/involvement would be welcome.  Especially for ILs, they may assume that you don’t want help or would prefer to plan with your wedding party or your own family.

If you want some involvement, create opportunities for them.  If they blow you off at that point, then you may have grounds to be disappointed or offended.  Overall, people have odd expectations/feelings around weddings and a whole lot of uncertainty about what is expected or would be welcome.  Best to get it all out in the open and ask for involvement – they may be interested, but afraid to step on anyone’s toes.  Of course, they may be uninterested, in which case, turn to those who are – at least you asked!

Post # 6
59 posts
Worker bee

Yeahhh… I think groom’s families often feel like it’s their place to stay out of the bride’s way when it comes to planning. My Future Mother-In-Law has frequently said "Just tell me what color dress to wear, and I’ll show up (to the wedding)" which she means in a completely well-intended, i’ll-stay-out-of-your-hair kinda way.

As for the bridal shower, I would try not to be too offended that the groom’s family won’t be able to make it. Remember that your friends & family will be there! And they’re going to pour out affection upon you! This is really a party to gather your existing support network around you prior to the wedding, at which point you’ll get to mix it up with both families.

Next time you talk to Future Sister-In-Law, I would just (sweetly) express your disappointment that your future family will have to miss your (fun) shower… And if she says something along the lines of "Yeah, I’m sorry about that. Wish we coulda…" That’s your chance to speak up with, "Well actually, Fiance & I would love if someone from his family could help out with this one wedding project…"

Post # 7
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think we should trade future in laws.


  I asked for ZERO bridal showers.  My mother in law was "hurt" so I agreed to ONE bridal shower.  I got an invitation to TWO bridal showers- one for my in-laws, and one exclusively for my MIL’s friends.  I appreciate the thought- but I personally hate showers.  I would welcome your future family… and you would love mine 🙂 

Post # 8
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I would not be offended at all, it would have been a relief…and I actually like my in-laws!

Your shower is the time to spend with your favorite girls & women.  While it’s nice to have the Future In-Laws participate, sometimes it turns into such a big production w/ aunts, cousins, etc. that you don’t really know.  Then you’re stuck talking to a bunch of people out of obligation instead of giggling w/ your fave girls.

I completely understand that it seems they are choosing other activities and not making YOU a priority.  But that’s what the wedding is for.  Everyone will get together then. 

Trust me, there will be PLENTY of future Father-In-Law gatherings that you will have to go to.  Don’t sweat this one!

Post # 9
51 posts
Worker bee

I’ve come to the conclusion that my Future In-Laws just really don’t care about their son getting married. If anything, they feel like they’re losing him, (sad as that sounds since we live closer to his side and I was hoping for a big fam) and so they down play everything. I’ve gotten my feelings hurt a lot through this year engagement but I’ve grown a harder shell and just have extremely low expectations for them, that way I don’t get hurt or let down.

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