(Closed) Would you be okay if your husband married someone else if you passed away?

posted 7 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 77
Member
9834 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@Steampunkbride:  I would want him to be happy not lonely, but that doesn’t mean wanting him to be with someone else. It would be unfair to the other person, given that he had already found his true love, so she wouldn’t be, and that would be unfair to her. I don’t see it as controlling or selfish, I would do the same and stay single if, God forbid, he passed away before me.

Post # 78
Member
10635 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would want him to wait a respectable amount of time, but I know his mom would give him a hard time if he didn’t 🙂

Post # 79
Member
13368 posts
Honey Beekeeper

We joke about it, but the only thing I think is very disrespectful is when someone starts to date or remarries right away, say before a year. That can be very hurtful to the loved ones left behind. And considering the fact that we mourned the loss of our first dog for years before having the heart to open up our home to another one, the joke is he’d have to wait at least as long. LOL.

Post # 80
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@Mrsgurzakovic:  He could marry someone else, I just don’t want to know or think about it. Ignorance is bliss. 🙂

Post # 81
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@soinlove79:  Actually Jesus addressed this very question, and his response was that there is no marriage in heaven so the question of who you reunite with in heaven is irrelevant. (And so remarriage is ok). (Mark chapter 12, verses 18 to 25).

I assume most of us haven’t been widowed, so don’t know what it’s like. To make (or expect) a commitment on a situation we haven’t been in – I think that is unreasonable. Far better to let your husband be free to choose.

Post # 82
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

We discussed it and I would want him to remarry but he doubts he could. Two months into dating, 3 years knowing eachother, I was hospitalized and almost died. He realized then that nothing was going to seperate our bond not even me dying. He had several paniac attacks while waiting to hear how I was doing. He doubts he could survive long enough to love someone else if I died first. I want him to be happy and not alone but after all that everyone agrees he couldnt handle losing me, he would just die of heartbreak. 

Post # 83
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so surprised at the number of ladies who said they wouldn’t be OK with remarrying if they’re much older – can I ask why? Why are you OK with one partner remarrying if the other dies young, but not OK if they’re older? 

My grandma’s sister is 95 – but still very sprightly and witty. She married twice, with both husbands passing away (one when she was in her 60s, remarried about 6 years later, and one passed away in her early 80s), and she’s been in a relationship with a man for several years now – and sadly he has Alzeimer’s and can hardly remember her at his age and stage. With women outliving men and more people living into much older age, I think people should be free to remarry at any age if their partner passes away.

I would think that the later years could be the loneliest with all your friends passing away and potentially becoming distant from family if they’re busy with their lives – companionship could be one of the best things at that stage.

Post # 84
Member
13368 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Finances sometimes dictate whether or not older couples choose to remarry or not.  There can be arguments that make sense in both directions depending on the set of circumstances.

Post # 85
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

ugh. I can’t stand the thought of my fi with someone else. But the thought of him being lonely for the rest of his life, the thought of him never raising his own family, that hurts worse.

Post # 86
Member
9834 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I think our opinions on this topic are also influenced by examples in our own families or friendship groups. For me, it probably comes a lot from my grandmothers’ example. My mum’s father passed away when she was just 10, and her mother was in her early 40s. Even though she had four children to raise, who were all teenagers, or almost teenagers, she never remarried, has never dated, nothing. And she has led a happy fulfilling life, and has never been lonely. She loved my grandfather very much, he was the right man for her, but she chose not to date or remarry after he passed. My other grandmother lost her husband (my grandfather) when she was in her late 70s, she also had 4 children, all grown up, all living far away, either in a different state, or different country, some with kids of their own. So she was alone, but did not date or remarry. She will be 90 in October, and still thriving and happy, without a new husband/boyfriend. I admire both women very much, and that is partially why I have the opinion I do about not dating anyone else after your partner passes, and definitely not remarrying.

Post # 87
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

For the ladies saying No Way, if you’re expecting your SO to not have any romantic relationships, aren’t you also denying your SO a sex life? Or would he/she use a prostitute?

Post # 88
Member
9834 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@Horseradish:  He has his hand, he didn’t have sex before me so why would he need to after me?

Post # 89
Member
2479 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It is possible to lead a happy and fulfilled life without a husband or wife – my grandmother lost her husband in her 30s and had a successful career and enjoyable life for years without a partner. However, she married again at 70 and then had nearly 20 years of a very happy marriage. Her second husband dying at the grand old age of 92 when she was 87. So it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Right now, I can’t picture anyone matching up to my DH. But with time, my view might well change if the right person came along. I’d be very picky and definitely not at all desperate to settle down again with someone else. But for sure, he’d hate the idea of me voluntarily enduring a Vale of Tears for the rest of my life on the questionable basis that he could be the only man for me and vice versa. Neither of us are that self-important.

Post # 90
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@Jacqui90:  what if he died first? Would you just use your hand? What if one of you dies very young? Like under 40? Under 30? You’d really find a life without physical or emotional intimacy to be reasonable?

Post # 91
Member
9834 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

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@Horseradish:  Yes, I find that to be reasonable. I believe true love is forever, not just until one partner dies. The love endures for a lifetime and it is EXTREMELY unfair to someone if you date them while in love with someone else! I will always be in love with my fiance, and even if he died tomorrow, I couldn’t bear to be with anyone else.

ETA: And like I said one of my grandmothers lost her husband when she was in her early 40s, she had four children to raise, which is very hard to do on your own, especially in those times, and she stayed single. She managed to lead a fulfilling happy life.

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